Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

SIL always made the effort, buying birthday and Christmas gifts on his behalf otherwise DM wouldn't have a gift. this is ridiculously common and I've read lot's of MN threads where the female partner takes on the "wife work" of remembering birthdays etc., so it could be the case he won't bother for himself and she (sensibly on my opinion) doesn't want to be his secretary. Neither of my brothers remember birthdays, one did when he was married because his wife did it all!

My daughter does it for her husband's family, although she moans about it, and I can't believe it! I've been married 35 years and have never taken on DH's family admin.

Some people are just not family orientated and it's a case of out of sight out of mind, which hurts, but you have to accept if you want the contact you will have to drive it.

I don't think you're unreasonable, I would also feel hurt if I were in your position.

Sadly families becoming disjointed isn't uncommon, I have been with my partner for years and we're expecting our third child. I have never met his mum and he hasn't seen her for longer than we've been together. She lives across the country and has virtually no relationship with DP after he was left to practically bring himself and his younger brothers up.

Neither of them bother to call each other, though I can't say I blame him. The last they spoke after a year of silence was when she sent him a text to say one of her dogs had passed away.

I would love a close relationship with my mum but it's not possible because she's an alcoholic and has hurt me too much.

I'd love a mum like you OP.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I have a son like this!
Luckily I have two others who are better. I’m usually okay with him getting on with his life. He’s worse with his siblings and I avoid like the plague involving his lovely gf.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to sleepless nights or times when it pisses me off.

I find this with many friends who have sons

Sad as it is, some people just don’t place value on their relationships with their families. You raise children to be independent and some of them really run with that. I doubt it’s because he doesn’t care; he just doesn’t feel a need to invest time or effort in the relationship.

On the bright side, he might just have a lot on right now and his relationship may become closer again in the future.

Bloody hurts though. I’d feel the same as you.

My brother is like this. It just genuinely doesn't seem to occur to him to get in contact. He's always happy to chat when someone calls him, will reply to emails and text messages, but very, very rarely initiates them. My Mum did the 'see how long he'd go without contact thing' and caved after 6 weeks of nothing. Its almost like out of sight out of mind with him - he's very loving and chatty in person, but just seems to switch off the second he's away.

Thanks for the input so far.

Several of you have made suggestions that I have considered, including his perception of our relationship and his childhood.

I have discussed those things with him and apologised for those things that I think he might have found difficult - a difficult divorce when he was very small, his father was abusive to me, my longterm health problems - although when I have brought them up, he has replied with variations of ‘It’s fine/It’s OK.’

When he became depressed and anxious a few years ago I paid for therapy for @ two years although he was working full time in a well paid job. So I think that I have acknowledged the potential that it is due to me and tried to help him see my willingness to discuss things and accept responsibility,

The visit that we suggested was just to see their new house, we weren’t even expecting lunch on the day, so I don’t think we are ‘pushy’ or demanding. We never say anything about the difference between how we are treated and her parents. They are adults and it is their choice of course.

I am very careful to allow him to run things his own way and to respect boundaries, but I just wondered whether it is unreasonable to expect a phone call asking how I am or more regular contact.

I guess I just have to continue to live with not seeing or hearing from him very much. I strongly believe in respecting boundaries and know that sometimes a family member is best avoided.

It is just hard and we do miss him.

It’s reassuring to hear from those of you with sons/husbands and fathers who behave in a similar way.

I grew up with manipulative, demanding parents who only saw boundaries in their rearview mirror so I have done a lot of work not to be ‘that’ mother.

Stop sending him and his partner card/presents if they don’t even bother to get you a card OP, and don’t push the relationship, it will only make you miserable, they are in their 30s, I am sure if they wanted to they would. That’s sad, I speak to my mum every day, my DH speaks to his mum nearly every day too, I always spoil my parents every birthday, you just never know when it’s going to be their last is what I think to myself.

It’s interesting that he’s says it’s fine/ok. My Dh says the same to his parents about his childhood/their divorce/his mum’s subsequent life choices, because he doesn’t want to upset her, he’s really very passive around her. However I know from talking to him that he’s been very badly affected by those things, and whilst it’s not that he’s punishing her, he just can’t bring himself to have that close relationship with her. It’s not blame but it is a consequence of things she’s done.

This however might be completely wide of the mark for your family. It just sounded familiar to me.

It sounds as though his partner is incredibly selfish and he goes along with it. I can't imagine suggesting seeing my own family all the time when my partner didn't see theirs (when there'd been no falling out.)

Or, his partner believes he’s a grown-up and it is up to HIM to contact HIS parents. Why is it always on the partner to interfere when it’s not their place or their parents?

My husband talks to his parents and siblings several times a week. He and his family are close. Before we had children, I would probably talk to my father once a week (he called me) and my mother maybe once a month if that. They were toxic towards each other and I spent years as a child and teen being referee and listening to them moan about each other while my mother treated me like st and called me selfish, a cow, and “special” (which really meant retard) for minor things like not wanting to share my food, criticising me for not liking the things she liked while telling my younger sister how beautiful she is because she had her features and allowed her to treat me like sh too. I had a planned escape at 11 where I would graduate early, and move out to a uni where I wouldn’t have to deal with them and did exactly that at 17. Yet, if you talked to my mother, I doubt she would acknowledge any of it and said I was an ungrateful and difficult child and teen while my father, past teachers, other family members, and others would say different.

I’m not in exactly the same situation as you but am in an equally hurtful position with my son and his family. I’ve had another thread about it and the collective wisdom of mumsnet proved very helpful. It certainly helped me to rationalise the situation with my son, DiL and grandchildren.

Apart from all that, I feel as though I get along very well with my son. As with yours, if he needs a chat or a sounding board he comes to me just as though we have these exchanges every day- as we did when he lived at home. The difference is the closeness is maybe once a month. I do see him more regularly but it’s a quick wave or a shout through the car window as he flashes past in his car, to and from work.
I feel that we can comfort ourselves that the relationship without sons is solid. They feel they can slip back into the old closeness whenever they choose. We have given them that stability.
We as mums also have needs too, but our sons don’t realise or don’t feel willing or able to give any more. We risk driving them further away if we try and push for more.
It’s a dilemma. Another poster earlier suggested not investing too much emotional energy in your son’s direction. Find other interests too. It’s good advice.
The birthday thing is a different matter. I would have a comment to make to my son about that! I don’t want a present but a card or phone call is just polite.
Incidentally since I have had a DIL my cards have been much more gushing, and decorated with fluffy bunnies etc so I know my son hasn’t been any closer to the card than my DIL pushing it under his nose and saying “sign this!”. But it amuses me, and I am grateful to her.
It’s rotten and I feel for you, we don’t deserve it but hey hum it seems it might be the way of the world with some men.
Live your life to the full don’t brood on your son’s shortcomings, I’m attempting to take my own advice too!

I am always the one to call my parents and it drives me bananas that they don't initiate contact. I can understand how annoying it must be if your son is the same. But ultimately if you want to see him it sounds like you need to do the leg work because he's a bit of a twit.

It’s really difficult to say without hearing all sides. I think my ILs might say my husband is distant and that he has no reason to be as they are nice people that care. In reality they are quite emotional cold and critical and are difficult to spend time with. So he rarely talks to them on the phone and visits are infrequent. Would he tell them that? Probably not as it wouldn’t land well or the honesty appreciated so he’d probably be quite vague in his response to them if asked.
I’m not saying this is the case with you but just highlighting that the relationship may be very different from his perspective

I’m sorry you’re hurt. Maybe if you gently persevere things will improve as he matures. Are you sure your foot was so bad you couldn’t visit as arranged?
One thing that strikes me is that you say you apologised for past events - your divorce, your abusive partner and your health. This apology to me sounds disingenuous as none of the above would have been your fault or things that YOU did. Is there anything YOU did or didn’t do in his childhood that you should acknowledge and apologise for?
Just a thought! Hope you can sort things out.

When you say 'we' who is we? You and your dh, his stepfather

I think I'm married to someone like your son, OP. He never or very rarely contacts his parents, they always have to instigate contact. If they want a skype with their grandchild they usually have to suggest it or occasionally it'll be me. Both of our families live a long way away and despite the fact that mine are in Ireland which necessitates flying or long drive and a ferry and his parents are at least within driving distance, we spent more time with my family back home. This is because I suggest going to visit them but he refuses as he just doesn't want to/isn't interested.

We have to stagger our annual leave a bit to cover school holidays and I spent some of mine in Ireland. I only have so much annual leave and don't really want to spend what's left of it with his parents but without him, I do have things I need/want to do at home too. I always suggest to him when it's his turn to be off that he spends a few days with them but it's always a no.

I delegated birthday and Christmas presents for his side of the family back to him years ago and it's a bit hit and miss whether they actually receive anything, or whether they receive it on time but I refuse to do any more bloody wife work, I do enough with having to sort out all the school stuff, dentist, doctor, eye tests, most house stuff/bills etc etc etc. It's difficult for them to stay here as we really just don't have the space and they usually have to stay in a hotel or B&B.

He also has siblings who have children and they are all perfectly nice people but he's not interested and my daughter has more of a relationship with my best friends back home and their children who she considers to be her aunties and cousins.

There's no real reason for his complacency. I've tried for years to encourage him to have more of a relationship with his family to no avail. I know his mum understands that it's from his side and not mine and he can be a bit difficult. I do send photos and am usually the one who chats to them on skype while he goes off and does something else.

I feel sad about it but I can't force him.

I'm on the child side of this.

I'm just not close to my parents. We didn't "speak" on a regular basis in any meaningful way when we lived in the same house, so when I moved out we often went long periods without speaking. I see a lot more of my ILs than I do my DPs because they are physically closer, they actively involve and support with my DC, and well, they're easier to get along with.

I have a bad sprain 36 hours before and am (still) non weight bearing on crutches. Because of a diagnosis of heart failure and open heart surgery last year I am not great on the crutches. The visit involved an hour car journey each way and the point was to see them and see their new three storey town house and garden. So I made the decision that it would be too much that day.

Regardng the apology being ‘disingenuous’ I didn’t mean it like that at all ! I just wanted to acknowledge that there were difficult things in his childhood and give him the opportunity to talk.

I might be overthinking all this and it’s a combination of personal choice and a desire to keep some distance because of stuff that he doesn’t want to discuss. And that’s OK even if very painful.

I have lots of other interests and maintain other relationships too.

OP this is a sad situation and I am not surprised that your are hurt and upset.

My DH hardly ever contacts his parents (they live abroad). He speaks to them maybe two or three times a year max., and then it is a massive effort. He does love them but finds keeping in touch very hard. Does not help that their livestyle/values are very different to ours, so there is almost nothing in common between DH and his parents except for "the past". The birthday cards thing has been helped as he now uses Moonpig and gets reminders from them. I have given up trying to encourage him to contact them more often as it is down to him and he just gets annoyed if I try.

Sorry no words of wisdom, but you are not alone.

Yes, its me and his stepfather - we married when my son was 3 years old and they (had) a good relationship.

I hold onto the fact that when he is anxious, low or needs help we are his first call.

I agree with a previous poster that it is a knob head thing. My brother treats my parents exactly the same way unless he is looking for something. Always has and she has always fallen over him when beckoned. He moved into her house (in his 40s) with his girlfriend for a year and a half to save for a house deposit rent free. They have been in their new house for over a year and my mum has been invited over once. If I say anything about it she just says"well you know him now".

I’m a girl and I’m like this.

a) because I’m autistic, and b) because my parents are not very nice to me, and have spent decades belittling me and gaslighting me. We have nothing in common, they make no effort to interest themselves in my or the kids’ lives, and time we spend together is usually very awkward.

If you listen to my mum, she’d tell you how much they’ve done for me and question “Why oh why aren’t we close like my friends and their daughters?” Yet, if I genuinely do try to talk to her about why that might be and my feelings on the matter, she immediately shuts me down and tells me I’m being ridiculous so I’ve given up.

He is an adult & he is under no obligation to see his parents. If you are inviting yourselves to stay he might be horrified at how pushy you are. Might be best to try living your own life, and not through your children.

^That's a bit extreme! Poor OP only wants to keep in contact and visit her adult son not move in. How is wanting the odd visit wanting to live life through your children?? Very odd response

@IrisAtwood I believe he loves you, you are just not a priority on his list, he selfishly puts himself first leaving the ones we love till last.
We don't realise life is very short and forever changing.
I lost my DM last year I've no guilt we were
close thankfully but the desperation of wanting to call her is a killer especially when I need an ear.
He'll realise that when it is too late.