Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

My dad said something a few weeks ago about men generally being more enmeshed in the woman's life rather than vice versa.
I think that's true actually.

My DH doesn't call his parents much. He's better now we have a son and send photos sometimes but moreso after I nagged him to because I didn't see why I had to always do it.

But like what you are talking about with the twisted ankle...what did you want him to say?MIL would send something like that to DH and he'd not really understand why he's getting a photo of it
I mean you've told him why you couldn't come he said sorry you couldn't make it then you sent a photo of your ankle...why?! He sent back ouch and you're not content. It's very attention seeking and that kind of behaviour puts people off getting in touch imo.
Suggesting a call every few days is also too much. Instead of suggesting calls just call him or facetime him once a week or so.

Why does it sound like his partner is selfish?

Because heaven forbid a man is responsible for his interactions (or lack there of) with his own parents. Easier to blame the wives than for parents to accept that their sons may not want to talk to them, find them difficult/exhausting, or aren’t that bothered. Rarely do you hear men expected to tell their wives’ to contact their family. If they did, some would call them ‘controlling’.

It's not a woman's job to facilitate a man's relationships. He's a big boy: if he wants to get in touch he will.

I feel for you OP. This is obviously very upsetting for you. I don't think this is a gender thing. My DH has much more contact with his father than I do with mine. My DH was largely absent during my later childhood and let me down in some of the worst possible ways as a child. He does not want to see himself as anything other than a great dad though which puts such a large barrier between us that our relationship is very cursory. If he were to ask me if everything was OK, I'd say it was fine. This is because of the times I tried to talk to him in the past and he was not able to listen. There's no point in trying to make things better any more. He will never be able to think beyond his own experience and is too defended to much care how I really feel. This may not be the case in your situation but I would caution against assuming your son is being selfish. You have obviously tried hard to support him and have good boundaries but that does not mean he experienced things in the way you intended. If this is relevant in your situation, I'd suggest that all your can do is be really properly open-minded to hearing his feelings even if these are challenging to you.

I have apologised for those things that I think he might have found difficult - a difficult divorce when he was very small, his father was abusive to me, my longterm health problems … I paid for therapy for @ two years although he was working full time in a well paid job.
This is the kind of stuff that may or may not be an issue. Your messages come across as being all about how you feel and what you have done for him (like he owes you something perhaps?) and less about how your son feels. Inviting yourself over is never okay, even if you don’t expect lunch.

When your son was growing up, did you and/or your husband visit/talk to your in laws a lot to show the importance of families being close. I have daughters and they treat their in laws as equals, which I would encourage anyway unless there was a real problem with them. I treated my in laws equally too. They lived in the same town as my family so it was easy to see both when we moved away and they all visited us for holidays whenever they wanted to. I do think generations often tend to behave in the same way so perhaps you may need to reflect on any examples you may or may not have set over the years. Also, is the wife's family more gregarious with cousins etc. around so there's more to do with them. I'm not making excuses for your son but if you are, dare I say it a 'bit more bland' then there's not much impetus for him to want to visit.

@ChainJane

There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch.

This is where you've gone wrong. By leaving it for 6 weeks before you contact him you are giving the impression that it's a normal timeframe for the two of you not to speak to each other. It will look like you're not that bothered if he doesn't get in touch.

The fact he gets on with his partner's parents and regularly sees them makes me wonder if there's a rift between you that you're not aware of. Maybe he feels you were a negative influence on him when he was growing up which means he things you are partly or completely to blame for his "difficult periods" as you put it. If this is the case he perhaps wants to keep you at arms length so that you can't drag him back down? i.e. He knows he's got his life sorted now, so why risk a damaging or hurtful influence. Things that may have seemed innocent or normal behaviour to you might have had a deep impact on him. I still remember times when my parents weren't as supportive as they could have been, scars don't always heal.

It's a bit rude not to at least send you a birthday card though.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. I limit contact with my parents as much as I can. Respond to them on WhatsApp etc. but would never make an effort to see them. This is mainly based on the way they behave and the way I was treated by them as a child. Although I've communicated to them my feelings, they refuse to acknowledge they did anything wrong and in fact, think they have been model parents, choosing to carry on as normal to this day. Could it be your son thinks it's obvious as to why he's cold with you but maybe you're refusing to see what's right in front of you?

Honestly it sounds like he doesn't feel the same about your relationship. It sounds like he's doing the very bare minimum to keep you around but doesn't want the social part of it. Either he resents you because of his childhood or he prefers his new life to his old one. He's not pushing you away, he's keeping you exactly where he sees you, which seems to be at arms length.

The fact he says 'it's fine' when you apologise for his upbringing suggests he's trying to not insult or hurt you by telling the truth. And you inviting yourself to his new home and sending him a letter about how you feel probably makes him feel like you're pushing your way into his life. He clearly doesn't want it that way and you should respect it and stop expecting him to treat you differently.

He's a grown man, if he wanted to act differently towards you he would.

There’s going to be far more than you’re telling us to this, OP. I wonder what your son’s perspective would be.

Could your reluctance to rock the boat be making you too passive?

It feels plausible that your wanting to give your son space could be interpreted as disinterest.

I struggle to meet with my parents who berate me for not visiting more often - but they'll never organise a coffee trip and they've visited my home fewer than 10 times in 10 years - when I live less than 10 miles away.

I just got tired and resentful of always fitting into their plans, even though one of them is retired and could easily meet me on a lunch break or an after-walk stroll if they were really that fussed.

That would also explain all the visits with the in-laws, as they might be instigated by your DIL's family.

Do you know what? I reckon that the difference between the way her parents are treated and the way you are treated is this:

Many many threads on MN all from women saying they are fed up to the back teeth of having to do all the card and present buying and the remembering of birthdays etc for their DP's family as well as their own. Many many replies saying his side is his responsibility so let the lazy git buy things for his own family.

I reckon she is in charge of her side, and he is in charge of your side, and typically for some men, he doesn't bother. It's not that he doesn't care, it just doesn't appear on his radar.

I'm in my 30s. I call my parents at least once a week. They live in a different country. DH speaks to his parents every Sunday. It's a total of 10 mins each time for me also to check in on how they are. It's not that difficult. YANBU.

Wow, some of you have concluded that I am pushy, attention seeking and demanding!

I have never expected phone calls every few days or even weekly I have tried to let him do what is best for him. While at the same time reminding him of our needs in a reciprocal relationship.

The photo of my ankle was so that he wouldn’t think that were avoiding visiting and was sort of light hearted - never done anything like it before, including when I had open heart surgery etc.

By inviting ourselves I actually said ‘We’d love to see the house, would it be OK to visit at some point?’ He then suggested a day.

We do find what little time we spend together quite difficult as we really don’t know much about their lives. In my letter I did say this to him, that it was hard to have a conversation when his answers on the phone are mostly monosyllabic. We had breakfast together at a hotel a couple of months ago which seemed to go OK. I am mindful of not talking too much or firing questions so we talked very generally about their new house and what they were doing with it. I also avoid saying anything about my health unless asked directly - so I don’t think I’m attention seeking!

Like some have commented, I do wonder if it is also because we know how difficult things have been at times for him. Some of which no one else knows.

I do accept that it is his choice and I think that I have done my best, but maybe I haven’t and he can’t tell me. Very sad anyway.

Wow, some of you have concluded that I am pushy, attention seeking and demanding!
...at the same time reminding him of our needs in a reciprocal relationship.

OP I have observed people suggesting that the trauma your son experienced that required 2 years of therapy and which you said you had accepted some responsibility for, was worth consideration before assuming your son is inconsiderate.

Nobody has said anything harsh (though it may be hard to hear). Your response tells me that you're not really grasping how he feels. That sort of trauma isn't just 'fixed' even with counselling, perhaps he finds it difficult to move on. You came here to find out if we thought he was inconsiderate and it sounds like you don't agree with those of us who said he wasn't.

I do think this is a man thing. They are allowed to grow up with someone else making all the effort for buying presents etc. Also many females in relationships monopolise Christmas etc for their own families. Sad but true.

Not everyone is settled in a new home in six months.

Are you seriously suggesting it's perfectly normal for someone not to have their own parents come and see their new house in six months? Unless there's a backstory/major fall out/huge distance to travel, it's just weird. It's not like you have to have it all ship shape and decorated for them.

Might be best to try living your own life, and not through your children

Most parents have contact with their children and vice versa. She’s not living her life through him, she would just like to see him a bit more often. Or are parents of adult children not allowed to be in contact with them?

My ds is 27. We text 2 or 3 times a week and l see him quite often.

This is his normal. The problem is that it's not yours.

My relationship with my parents was very similar, with the difference that both sides operated like that. We didn't do birthday presents - we got each other gifts randomly, when we saw something that 'jumped out'. We called when the urge took us - sometimes that was often, sometimes not. We emailed each other photos when we saw something we thought the other would like. There was no obligation to communicate or interact, no awkwardness - it worked for us.

I think you should talk to your DS about what you both would like your interactions to be and reach a consensus that works for everyone.

If he's the sort of lad who liked Mummy to do everything for him, then he went out and found another one the same for himself.

Are you seriously suggesting it's perfectly normal for someone not to have their own parents come and see their new house in six months? Unless there's a backstory/major fall out/huge distance to travel, it's just weird. It's not like you have to have it all ship shape and decorated for them.

Not weird for everyone. Come on, some people don’t even like visitors or family members over if their home isn’t tidy. There are also parents who expect their adult children to have tidy homes since that was how they raised their children. Also, there is a backstory here hence the reason OP posted.

Rather than a boy thing I think its the less dominate partner thing. My b'n'law is a really nice chap - married my s'n'law who was a single mum and provides for his step son both in time and finance like he was his own. My b'n'law adores my husband - they are very close and he works for my husband. BUT with my b'n'law its all about his wife's side of the family. They live 15mins from us - his wife's sister lives 1.5-2hrs from them but this sister and her partner often stay over with them for dinner parties etc - we never get invited to run of the mill socialising although we do get invited to some special occasions say once a year and they make a huge effort for these.
It was the same with the wedding - everyone in my s'n'laws family had a role including the children. My twins were the only children from my b'n'law's side of the family who attended as it was an overseas wedding - and my children were also the only children at the wedding not to have a role. I think they realised this last minute so suddenly asked my children to announce it was time to cut the cake.
The thing is - my s'n'law is very nice. We get on well and I have a special dietary requirement and she always makes sure I am catered for. I think its just a case she is very close to her family and doesn't think about us. And even though my husband was my b'n'laws bestman they are that close - my b'n'law is a bit wet and doesn't think about his side of the family having any priority.
I think my husband does feel a little hurt sometimes especially since my family live overseas so its really only his family we have connection with. And before my b'n'law was married he was invited to all our family things even holidays overseas.
BUT the most important thing is they are a lovely couple and my b'n'law is very happy and we are pleased for him he is so close to his wife's family as it means he now has other people to care and love him.

Is he one of those men who leaves all the emotional/social arrangement to his wife in the belief it is womens work? I meet a lot of men like this, and expect their wives to be in charge of all their arrangements, even with their own families. I dont think it is acceptable, by the way, just that it is quite common in my experience.

It might just be that you want more from the relationship than him in terms of time and energy? Not that anything is wrong or bad with your relationship but that he's got his own life. His level of communication is lower energy than yours.

I can be a little bit like that sometimes when I've got stuff going on. I love my parents but I'm not in constant touch. I also think I may send a message like what your son sent after your accident. In my head I'm trying to make it not a big deal for you, so I just send a low key text. A bit like "no worries, we'll sort out another time". I don't think I'd go big in to the drama side. That makes me a bit uncomfortable and my mum/sister are quite extroverted/like the drama and I do wonder sometimes if I do it to keep that distance so I don't get dragged in.

I also don't buy gifts or card for my partners family. I do mine, he does his. Makes the responsibility equal. Truthfully I don't always do cards for my own either, I'm away a lot so I send them WhatsApp or pics. My sister is much more expressive than me and my mum is pretty cool in that she's happy we express ourselves differently.

I know this is going be difficult to hear, but he might just get on with his partner's family better? Their interaction style or hobbies or interests. He might just feel more comfortable with them. But I don't think the partner is at fault here at all, your son's relationship with you is his to look after, not hers.

I think as someone said upthread... Its not that men are congentially incapable of maintaining relationships... Society judges them much less harshly than women who behave similarly...

They're given a massive 'out' of being busy /climbing the greasy pole/tiredness... And all those hackneyed phrases of a son in a son until he gets a wife..

You need to treat your sons much earlier that family relationships just don't nutjre themselves and require effort

This is shit. I think it's probably to do with the girl (and I know that's equally his fault) but I've seen this so many times before, sorry you're having to deal with this.