Adult son not getting in touch

[IrisAtwood]

We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.
I left a voicemail as soon as I could saying that we couldn’t go and followed up with a text. We didn’t hear anything but assumed he hadn’t checked his phone.
The next day we got a text saying he was sorry that we couldn’t visit.
And that was it. So I sent a photo of my ankle with an ‘ouch’ emoji and his reply was to feel better soon.
He didn’t ring or send any other text.
For context I also have very serious health problems which are potentially life limiting.
I always have to get in touch with him and suggest ringing which I do every few weeks. There have been times when we haven’t heard from him for six weeks or more as I have waited to see how long it takes or if he’ll get in touch. We don’t get birthday cards and there have been many times without any presents or flowers either. We’ve never complained and just accept that he doesn’t bother. We always send cards and presents to him and his partner.
He is in his thirties and happily settled. They spend a lot of time with her parents (who we’ve never met after 10 years), go on holiday together, spend Christmas with them, stay for weekends. Her parents don’t live far from us but we still hardly ever see them and they often visit without seeing us.
As far as I know we have a good relationship, including with his partner. He has had some difficult periods whenwe have been very supportive and I have spent hours on the phone with him when he has needed me. Although now is doing really well in his career and personal life.
I have written to him about how we feel - in a very gentle, non confrontational way and he has said that he understands.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that he is being inconsiderate and avoiding us or is this a ‘boy’ thing?

It's him. It's not nice behaviour and is hurtful.

My DH is like this. We spend a lot more time with my family. Christmases, holidays and general weekend visits. We’ve seen his (divorced) parents once this year. I often encourage him to get in contact but I’m sure they think it’s my fault he doesn’t. I’m not sure why not but they are definitely not as close as I am to my parents. They have visited us once/ twice in our house since we moved in late 2019, and have had two babies.

I have only scanned the thread but have you offered to visit aside from the foot issue time?

Its not a boy thing and its not his partner's responsibility to facilitate your relationship. I think the reason its observed more in men is because society still expects women to manage relationships and has such low expectations of men in this area.

What happens if you invite them over to you for the afternoon, lunch etc or to join you out somewhere?

Women neglecting relationships are likely to be told bluntly that they are in the wrong. Men less often so. Have you said to him very baldly that you love him, you miss him and that you don't want to be in his hair all the time but it upsets you to have so little contact and would eg a weekly call work just to keep in touch? Some people need things spelled out in black and white.

If that doesn't work then it reflects poorly on him but at least you know where you stand.

This is not typical male behaviour. My DH speaks to his mum most days (she lives alone) and is round at least once a week to see her / help with DIY and gardening etc.

Have you previously had a disagreement that he could still be harbouring?

why dont you just phone more often and also let them know you are coming up for a flying visit (as you indicate its just a pop in visit). My DH and on DS are rubbish at calling/arranging visits but are happy to get calls and visits. I suggest your ring at least once a week and make plans to visit, invite them to come for lunch/dinner/ and dont worry about how often they call. Maybe keep things light ask about their lives/jobs etc and work on having a nice relationship. Never underestimate the power of short calls/visits/light topic chats. It keeps things going and opens the door to any serious stuff in the future. Some people are terrible at birthdays/calls etc. and try to get a sense if there are good times to ring. just enjoy the relationship.

I think it's a boy thing and a man thing unfortunately. Girls/women make much more effort keeping in touch with people IMO, and much closer to their parents, that's why they see his wife's family all the time.

My DH is like this with his parents. He loves them very much, but he just doesn't feel the need to contact them very often. It's just how he is!

I expect my MIL feels like you do, that it is the DIL taking him away, but that is a load of nonsense. My DH is his own person, I guess he's just happy with the status quo 🤷🏼‍♀️.

I can't speak to my mother much as her attention seeking over her health issues is grating. But she does competitive health issues so that's a factor.

I don't expect to hear much from my adult kids. It's a decent barometer to how happy they are imo.

I don't think you can change him if it's the way he is.

I think it's a boy thing and a man thing unfortunately. Girls/women make much more effort keeping in touch with people IMO, and much closer to their parents, that's why they see his wife's family all the time.
Me too, my DP adores his DM. The DC love her, he has spent Christmas for 13 years with mine, he works in retail only has 1 day off, wouldn't even think to ask for extra time at Christmas working there 15 years they'd accommodate him once.
Same with holidays and nights out it is always my family.
It basically boils down to him not prioritising his parents, laziness he definitely loves them but wouldn't organise anything except the yearly visit.

Sounds like he's basically self centred, seeing you as 'useful' when he wants something and giving you little thought otherwise.

It also sounds like he's nailed his colours well and truly to his partner's family mast as that's probably easier for him in lots of ways. He doesn't have to invest as much emotionally with them and maybe they groom his ego a bit.

I also wonder if, during counselling/therapy, he's blamed you for whatever difficulties he's had. That wouldn't help. Or maybe he has genuine difficulties with empathy.

Don't blame yourself, though that's easier said than done.

The visit that we suggested was just to see their new house, we weren’t even expecting lunch on the day, so I don’t think we are ‘pushy’ or demanding.

Yet, in your first post you say “We were supposed to visit (having invited ourselves after waiting months for an invitation) him and his partner in their new home (bought six months ago) but I had a fall at home and have a badly twisted ankle.”

That could easily be seen as pushy since it’s not your home and you invited yourselves because your son and his partner didn’t.

Also did they just buy the house six months ago or move in? Either way, why didn’t you just invite them out to a meal in a neutral place halfway or to yours? Not everyone is settled in a new home in six months.

Speaking from similar personal experience, if it isn't just a case of your son being thoughtless (and who knows!), my guess is it isn't the things you mention that happened as such (divorce etc), but how well you dealt with them (or didn't), and what the impact of that was, and still is, on him. The fact that he needed therapy, but is still unable to speak to you about those things other than to say it's fine/OK tells me that maybe he, for whatever reason, doesn't want or need to unpack all of that with you, he's found his own way of coping which seems to be to keep you at arm's length. He's entitled to do that if it protects his MH in some way.

I wonder if spending time with his DW's family and seeing how they are together has brought home for him what he has perhaps missed out on, and he enjoys being part of their family. I know that was the case for me when I was with my ex, I spent so much time with his parents simply because they were nice people and it was relaxing and uncomplicated to spend time with them, whereas time with my DM and SD was always awkward and stilted, and my SD never felt like family or someone I could relax and have a laugh with.

I'm probably projecting a bit, so feel free to ignore, but I can see similarities with my own situation.

OP from reading your follow up posts regarding boundaries and your relationship with own parents you sound very self aware and honest. So is it possible you are actually a victim of your own success, you have nurtured a man who has overcome depression and is now so independent and happy in his own life that he is just getting on with it???
As you say, he knows where you are and if he ever needed you he wouldn't hesitate to get in touch.
This is great insomuch as you have done your "job" as a parent but doesn't help the fact that you miss him and that he has inadvertently hurt you by not acknowledging your birthday's etc.
If we go on the assumption that there is no dark backstory and he's just a bit crap at phonecalls and also in a very happy place in life with his partner etc then you have nothing to loose by really spelling things out for him.
I'm sure plenty will disagree but could you arrange to meet him or even travel to his area (health permitting) and call him and ask him to meet you, maybe at a park so you can sit side by side on a bench (often easier to talk this way than via direct eye contact) and let him know that your recent health news has put things into perspective and you need him to step up emotionally.
At this point, what do you have to loose?

I don’t think it’s a boy thing, I think it’s specific to him. I’d ask him outright why he is like it to you and not his DW’s parents. Brace yourself for hearing something unexpected or unwanted but at least you’ll know. If there isn’t any reason, then you know that unfortunately your DS isn’t that nice a person.

One possibility that did occur - any chance he is embarrassed by how much he has opened up and told you about before?

My husband found my parents easier to get on with.

Visits to his are a chore.

He doesn't sound bothered about seeing you Op.

Not sure what you can do about hat.

I know the purpose of the visit was to see the new house, but have you ever met half way for a meal or walk for example?

Sometimes it can be awkward sitting around in the house!

I would try and speak to him just the two of you and ask if all is ok, as you miss him and would love to be closer.

My husband is a bit like this. He loves spending time with my family, doesn’t really seem that fussed about spending time with his.

I read your post and had to double check it wasn’t me writing about my 30-something DSS.

I think that some adult men are simply disinterested in their own families and will happily tag onto their partners family instead. 🤷🏻‍♀️
DSS and partner regularly visit her parents and I find it sad because we haven’t seen our baby grandson yet due to the pandemic, yet her mum stayed at their place for a fortnight when the baby was born and since then, they’ve both visited her mum and stayed with her for another fortnight.

DSS also hasn’t invited his own brother and partner to visit the new baby, even though they only live about 20mins away.

I find it baffling but then I remembered that DH was equally disinterested in his own mum and I was the one who had to gee him into visiting her or phoning her. I really liked my MIL and she was a genuinely warm caring person, so I’ve no idea why DH chose not to make an effort to keep in contact?

Conversely, the other DSS is excellent at maintaining contact and buys thoughtful gifts and cards and so I think it’s down to individual personality types.

A lot what you wrote reminded me of my DM and DB, OP. She always made really strenuous efforts when we were growing up not to be possessive or intrusive, not wanting to be 'that' mother as someone said on here. And she did not want to be restrictive, as her parents had been with her.
Yet particularly when he married and had children, my DB pulled away and hardly saw our DM (she was widowed when we were young). Sometimes I put it down to his wife who is a strong character who likes to get her own way, and always spent more time with her own family, and never once visited my DM. Her children were kept at arm's length from me (their aunt) as well, which was really hurtful. There was no falling out, but though unsaid my DM found it difficult to be sidelined but would never show it.
On the other hand, I think because she was so desperate to see my DB, on the rare occasions we were allowed to visit most of her attention was on him, which he found uncomfortable, and not on his children. He and his wife resented her apparent lack of interest in their DC, though in fact she adored them but had limited opportunities to make a relationship and did not show her feelings in a demonstrative way. So it was quite chicken and egg, OP.

I am saying this as it could be that you need to be more proactive in managing your relationship with DS. Invite him and wife and family over to yours, or make an outing with them. If his wife doesn't want to (likely), have DS over anyway. Instigate things more, so he knows you have a positive wish to see him. Give him the feeling that you want to spend time in his company, just for the sake of it, not to deal with problems, etc . Be a bit more demanding of a fun relationship, but not needy. Hope it works out for you.

@HollowTalk

It sounds as though his partner is incredibly selfish and he goes along with it. I can't imagine suggesting seeing my own family all the time when my partner didn't see theirs (when there'd been no falling out.)

I don't think you should play games, trying to wait until he calls etc. What happens if you just invite them to your house? He should've come anyway if you'd fallen and hurt yourself.

Why does it sound like his partner is selfish? It sounds to me like the DP is just arranging things with their family and allowing OPs son to arrange things with his own family which he isn't bothering to do. It's not the DPs job to manage relationships with the entire family.

Op has your son always been very selfish? It doesn't sound like new behaviour, but has he maybe got worse over time?

I think you did the right thing by sending a letter and letting him know how you feel. Sadly it might not achieve anything but it was the right thing to do instead of playing games and keeping everything bottled up.

YANBU but it does appear to be a boy thing. My husband's son never rings unless my husband leaves a message asking him to. And son's son got married and bought a house a couple of years ago and has never invited us to see it. They know they are being inconsiderate and unkind but it doesn't change their behaviour.

@Tal45

I think it's a boy thing and a man thing unfortunately. Girls/women make much more effort keeping in touch with people IMO, and much closer to their parents, that's why they see his wife's family all the time.

My male experience... I'm better at keeping in touch with people than DP, but she speaks to her mum much more than I speak to any of my family. We spend more time with her parents because - as a family - we all seem to have more in common with her parents and it's just an easier and more pleasant experience to visit them than mine. Visiting hers is a pleasant way of spending time (albeit, selfishly, I am sure I could always find something I'd rather do) whereas visiting mine is more of a chore.

I think it's a stretch for previous posters to immediately assume he is selfish.

Something in his early life had such an impact that as an adult he was in therapy for 2 years. It's not a stretch to think that this and the lack of communication are linked. He may not want to cause you distress by being totally candid about the outcome of the therapy, and hence his 'ok/fine' responses.

I don't think you should push him, hard as it is. If he doesn't want to engage but can't face explaining he won't appreciate being pressured. Maybe you should just leave him to it, if he wants to make contact he will.

OP this could be me almost, accept it’s my daughter not my son. I don’t think it’s a boy thing either.

My daughter has sadly always been entitled, partly due to her GP. Indulgences.After she met someone , who also didn't really contact his parents either I think she thought low contact was normal. However like you they have far more contact with them and it really hurt that they would visit them and hardly spend any time with us .Both sets of parents live in the same town . They live several hours away. Always with us treading on eggshells too.

COVID-19 hasn’t helped and after a big row last summer, relations deteriorated to nothing . Except around birthday times ( theirs) She forgot her DF birthday , nothing on Father’s Day , some cards to us but generally unemotional moon pig ones. The grandchildren have no contact with us . Youngest doesn’t know us , older one does, but won’t communicate with us . I don’t blame the little ones , it’s been too long.

It hurts , really hurts. I don’t feel like sending anything to her for her birthday coming up.

So I really feel the pain you are going through. I don’t really have any solutions. Bar one suggestion. My daughter was also having therapy. I suggested we talk to an independent counsellor, a mediator who could perhaps allow us to sort out our differences . She refused but I wonder if this could work for you?

I am not sure if he is your only child . If he knew your DH from 3 then any half siblings would be presumably fairly close. Or is he an only child?

Anyway sending you for a sad situation.

I suppose this is why it's important to hold onto good friendships, take up hobbies and interests while DC are young.