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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The “Cycling Send-Off Woman.” What the hell?

813 replies

4cats4kids · 31/05/2021 16:41

Sorry if this sounds petty, but the most terrible woman came to my house yesterday and I still can’t believe the audacity of her. My husband is in a cycling training team and one of the things they do is meet at 7am on a Sunday morning at a cafe and then they go off out of London on their various routes. This has been going on years and they are basically cycling round the world in stages (as part of a larger group).

So apparently, this weekend was “our turn” to do lunch for this lot - a.k.a “my turn” (but don’t worry, I will not be making a habit of it). I was expecting about 8 who are all men, but this atrocious woman turned up in a sports car before them and was sitting on the drive waiting until they came. I thought she must be something to do with nextdoor (shared driveway), but when they showed up on the bikes she came in with them.

My husband was kind of mouthing, “sorry” to me and they all looked embarrassed. Then he tells me, he’s really sorry, but this is “the cycling send-off woman” Confused and today she has followed them in the car. So basically, I have since found out that this nut job of a woman seems to think she is in the cycling team and turns up at the crack of dawn when they meet and in all weathers, though she never actually cycles with them. Apparently, she always says she will join them one day, but never does. She doesn’t even have the right kind of bike, her bike is apparently more a shopping bike with streamers on the handlebars like a 4 year-old! Once she did cycle with them, but only for about a mile as she couldn’t keep up. She wears really short shorts and brings them all muffins and god knows what apparently at 7am Hmm. DH says they never eat them. Also, she waves pom-poms when they leave. I couldn’t believe it. I asked my husband why he’s never mentioned her before and I said it’s fairly obvious why she’s showing up. He just said they don’t know why she comes and they all think she’s mad. On this day, she had driven to some other cafe where they stop in Surrey because it was a nice day and she fancied the drive. Then she took it upon herself to turn up for lunch because she thinks she’s in the cycling club!

She is like something from Ab Fab and really loud. They were in the garden and there I was, backwards and forwards, while she was going on about how she’s just bought a Zwift, but she can’t seem to get it set up, so could any of them come over to her house and set it up for her (nobody offered and it was very awkward). I also heard her tell my husband (loudly) that she’d really like to bring her son to his boxing club and maybe he could he train them both? It was so very strange. As if! Also, she wasn’t exactly making an effort to talk to me. How rude. I have never come across a woman like this in my life. She is late 40s - who behaves like this?

AIBU to be annoyed that this happened at all? My husband has apologised but seems to think it’s a joke. He doesn’t get it at all. These men are late 40s and collectively, should be able to get rid of this lunatic. He says it’s a public cafe and there’s lots of people there and they can’t really stop her. Well, just find a different place to meet then!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2021 10:51

It was bizarre that one of the men invited her to lunch at your house, yes.

Groups of woman don't tolerate weird male hangers-on long-term, because they perceive them as a potential threat. They do tolerate them short-term in some situations, rather than tell them bluntly to get lost, because they perceive them as a potential threat.

These men are not threatened by this woman. They are very capable of freezing her out if they wanted to. Men are ruthless about that, in ways that appear incredibly blunt and rude to women.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/06/2021 10:56

Why won't you admit that the men are obviously encouraging her OP? Maybe not your husband specifically, but as a group they definitely like having her there. The ego stroking and attention obviously floats their boat.

If they genuinely didn't want her there, she wouldn't be. They'd change the WhatsApp group, or they'd remove her.

Outbutnotoutout · 01/06/2021 11:02

@BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand

Why won't you admit that the men are obviously encouraging her OP? Maybe not your husband specifically, but as a group they definitely like having her there. The ego stroking and attention obviously floats their boat.

If they genuinely didn't want her there, she wouldn't be. They'd change the WhatsApp group, or they'd remove her.

This with bells on

I think the pom pom waving and daisy dukes have something to do with it.

TheChiefJo · 01/06/2021 11:04

Whoa! OP, you're now telling us there were also flapjacks?? She's deffo making a play.

dyslek · 01/06/2021 11:04

@chickenyhead

She knows where you live Shock

I want some pom poms

for some reason, when I read that, it was in the voice of Genne from Bob's Burgers. Grin
justasking111 · 01/06/2021 11:05

There was a woman like this at the marina. Her brother owned a boat , she could sail though. she used to rock up and ingratiate herself, nice enough lady but lonely we think. She was attractive mid fifties to mid 60s hard to tell with her as well. She never bothered to chat if the wives were around either I think she had more sense than that, some women are territorial. She never had an affair with anyone there.

AdelindSchade · 01/06/2021 11:06

People, not just men, are not all the same though are they? Some would easily tell her to piss off whereas others wouldn't want to offend. My df went along to Mormon meetings becuse he didn't want to offend the peope who kept turning up at his door! I don't think there was any hot totty there. A group of men like my df - she would be coming round for her Christmas dinner.

CovoidOfAllHumanity · 01/06/2021 11:14

I think she just has poor social skills and had read one of those dating books or
articles. They always say stuff like:
'Why not meet someone through a hobby? Look into activities that men will be doing'

'Ah right' she thinks 'cycling! Lots of men like cycling and they will be fit into the bargain'. Presumably some of these cycling MAMILs are single just by the law of averages.

The problem is that unless you actually do like cycling (or yachts or obscure blues music) then any man you do happen to meet at such an event is not going to be much of a match surely because they are clearly going to want to do a lot of cycling and talk a lot about cycling. The dating books never have any handy suggestions on how to put up with them droning on about Strava or their latest amp.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2021 11:14

Men with the focus, drive and selfishness necessary to go cycling every Sunday and around the world, are nothing like your DF AdelindSchade.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/06/2021 11:15

This is incredibly sad, a cycling groupie!! I find the lycra brigade embarrassing at the best of times. Not very rock and roll is it?

4cats4kids · 01/06/2021 11:17

I have no idea if one of them is encouraging her because I don’t know them.

All I can go on is what I saw in my house with my own eyes. She was doing a kind of squawking laughter at things that weren’t even funny. It was definitely very awkward when she announced she has just got a Zwift Peloton thing to train on but could one if them come over to her place to set it up. 100% she actually said this and I couldn’t believe it. This did not seem directed at any one if them in particular and there was a very awkward moment of checking phones etc and then someone changed the subject. Why would you want random men in your house fgs?

If one of them is leading her on in any way that’s not apparent to the main group, then that is disgusting, as I’m sure they’re all married with kids. But her behaviour is disgusting too if she is going out of her way to one out at 7am to target married men with her ridiculous (in my view) shenanigans. I had no idea women could be this blatant and I’ve never seen anything like it in my life, I don’t think. Even teenagers would know better.

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 01/06/2021 11:17

I expect they do find it flattering on some level and harmless/ not really bothering them. It doesn't mean any of them is shagging her just because she doesn't irritate them enough for them to tell her to piss off.

YukoandHiro · 01/06/2021 11:18

Almost certainly at least one of the men has banged her or is currently doing so and that's why they can't shake her off.

If not, agreeing to start their cycle somewhere else for a few weeks and not telling her to would probably do the trick.

The pom-poms really made me howl 😂

wdmtthgcock · 01/06/2021 11:20

Fgs - so many people certain he is having an affair. What’s that about? If he was having an affair with this woman, he would hardly bring her into his home in broad daylight to be witnessed by his wife, 4 children and possibly his mother (as she’s in and out)

Well according to him she just rocked up uninvited and no one really knows how she came to be there. He didn't (according to him) invite him into his home in broad daylight. So it doesn't exclude him having an affair with her at all.

He is not shagging this woman and I can say that categorically. She is an absolute loon! And even if her behaviour was more normal, she is not his type. If he wanted to have an affair, it would not be with her. He has had plenty of opportunities over the years - at work or on other hobbies he does where there are plenty of normal, attractive women. I have never stopped him doing anything or going anywhere with anyone. We have been together 20 years and this type of thing has never been an issue. He’s hardly going to get it on with some loon because of her muffins and flapjacks is he?

Just because you think she is a loon doesn't mean that he does.
Doesn't mean anything just because he's "not her type" either.

As for his "bad back". How come he can go cycling from 7 in the morning until lunchtime but then he's too exhausted and his back is too bad to carry drinks down some stairs for his friends. If it's really that bad then he needs to dial back the cycling for a while and see a doctor.

BTW, I don't think he's having an affair with her but I also don't think she's a random "loon" either. There's a reason why the men are keeping her hanging around. Otherwise they would simply remove her from the WhatsApp chat and not tell her the routes of their rides or the lunchtime locations.

DuncinToffee · 01/06/2021 11:21

why would you want random men in your house She doesn't regard them as random, she sees them as friends from the cycle group, so why wouldn't she ask them for help?

I really don't understand your problem with this woman, focus on the men's behaviour instead.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2021 11:23

It was embarrassing because she was at your house. Their silly fantasy life and their real domestic lives had collided and this made them feel uncomfortable.

PhillipPhillop · 01/06/2021 11:26

Muffins and flapjacks? You should have mentioned this before 🤔

2bazookas · 01/06/2021 11:35

f she had driven out miles to meet them and then they’re all talking about coming here and she just chips on with, “see you there then,” etc, how can they uninvite her on the spot.*

Very, very easily; they would just say " this is a private lunch at someone's home, for cyclists only".
" It's invitation only ",

lottiegarbanzo · 01/06/2021 11:35

She's just having fun! Some women love 'looking after' men, flirting and giving them attention. They see it as harmless friendliness. So do many men.

I don't know if anyone on the thread listens to The Archers but this woman sounds like a bit like Joy Horville. Lonely, sociable, tries a bit too hard and is a bit OTT (but actually lovely, helpful and a good friend). Much misinterpreted by jealous wives and offspring.

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 01/06/2021 11:38

She isn't necessarily shagging your husband, but I'm willing to bet money she's shagging at least one of them, or has in the fairly recent past. You might think she isn't any of their type, but people are weird like that. I've seen it enough times myself.

Have you ever witnessed the pom pom waving and muffin-mongering yourself?

spotcheck · 01/06/2021 11:39

@eatsleepread

She's clearly not the full shilling, but I'm not quite sure I understand your venom, OP. You need to look at that.
Yep.

Everyone seems to take some sort of pleasure in ridiculing her, but still lets her know where all the events are taking place.
Shame

Iamthewombat · 01/06/2021 11:41

I’m with you, OP. It is weird.

She sounds like the Liza Tarbuck ‘Janet’ character from Saxondale: blatantly flirtatious middle aged woman looking for a man. Which in itself is not so bad, but combined with her other activities...come on!!

Turning up at 7 am for an activity you don’t participate in, and where the other participants are all men, wearing micro shorts, shaking pom-poms and bearing muffins?

Arriving at the house of one of the participants for lunch, probably uninvited (you told us that the men looked embarrassed) but not knocking or introducing herself to you, just sitting in the car??

Making next to no effort to interact with you, and making no eye contact?

Asking the men to go to her house to set up her Zwift gear, met with embarrassed silence?

I agree that she deserves sympathy, but it’s not your job to dispense it and she’s not harmless, is she?

I tend to agree with the posters who say that she presented herself as a potential ‘real’ cyclist, got herself added to the WhatsApp group on the strength of it, turned up a few times with a story about not being quite ready for the distance yet but try my lovely muffins, turns up for a ride on her Barbie bike and drops out after a mile, then they are too embarrassed to get rid of her in case she makes a scene or contacts one of the wives with a tall tale. Since she is clearly not the full shilling, is she?

Although I laughed (a lot) at the post upthread suggesting that the men would have no trouble getting shut of a man who turned up wearing micro shorts and shaking pom-poms!

There are clearly quite a few women like this around. I’ve met some of them: I have (male) friends who play in bands. They behave exactly as the OP, and others, have described. And, they all use the collective noun “my boys” to describe the men they follow.

DeclineandFall · 01/06/2021 11:45

I think this is a man thing to allow the weird hangers on in their groups, assimilate them without really noticing as noone wants to tell them to piss off and then it's sort of normal. In a way that women would have got rid of them years ago.
All the men I now from school upwards just let strange people join their different friendship groups and now 30 years on they are still there.
Women tend to be more territorial I think and are probably crueller at culling hangers on. Men don't really notice. They'll say yes so and so is a lunatic and then shrug. Women would think they were ruining the cohesiveness of their group and try and do something about it.
This is one of the few ways I think men are kinder than women, though its mostly due to laziness.
So I can absolutely believe that whatever her objective is they just don't care and have sort of accepted it and moved on.

4cats4kids · 01/06/2021 11:46

Yes, she didn’t say “my boys,” but that is exactly the attitude I was getting and to be honest, I have never understood or got along with that type of woman. Can’t stand all that.

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 01/06/2021 11:50

I have no idea if one of them is encouraging her because I don’t know them.

It is blatantly obvious that at least one of them is encouraging her. It couldn't be clearer.