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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

The “Cycling Send-Off Woman.” What the hell?

813 replies

4cats4kids · 31/05/2021 16:41

Sorry if this sounds petty, but the most terrible woman came to my house yesterday and I still can’t believe the audacity of her. My husband is in a cycling training team and one of the things they do is meet at 7am on a Sunday morning at a cafe and then they go off out of London on their various routes. This has been going on years and they are basically cycling round the world in stages (as part of a larger group).

So apparently, this weekend was “our turn” to do lunch for this lot - a.k.a “my turn” (but don’t worry, I will not be making a habit of it). I was expecting about 8 who are all men, but this atrocious woman turned up in a sports car before them and was sitting on the drive waiting until they came. I thought she must be something to do with nextdoor (shared driveway), but when they showed up on the bikes she came in with them.

My husband was kind of mouthing, “sorry” to me and they all looked embarrassed. Then he tells me, he’s really sorry, but this is “the cycling send-off woman” Confused and today she has followed them in the car. So basically, I have since found out that this nut job of a woman seems to think she is in the cycling team and turns up at the crack of dawn when they meet and in all weathers, though she never actually cycles with them. Apparently, she always says she will join them one day, but never does. She doesn’t even have the right kind of bike, her bike is apparently more a shopping bike with streamers on the handlebars like a 4 year-old! Once she did cycle with them, but only for about a mile as she couldn’t keep up. She wears really short shorts and brings them all muffins and god knows what apparently at 7am Hmm. DH says they never eat them. Also, she waves pom-poms when they leave. I couldn’t believe it. I asked my husband why he’s never mentioned her before and I said it’s fairly obvious why she’s showing up. He just said they don’t know why she comes and they all think she’s mad. On this day, she had driven to some other cafe where they stop in Surrey because it was a nice day and she fancied the drive. Then she took it upon herself to turn up for lunch because she thinks she’s in the cycling club!

She is like something from Ab Fab and really loud. They were in the garden and there I was, backwards and forwards, while she was going on about how she’s just bought a Zwift, but she can’t seem to get it set up, so could any of them come over to her house and set it up for her (nobody offered and it was very awkward). I also heard her tell my husband (loudly) that she’d really like to bring her son to his boxing club and maybe he could he train them both? It was so very strange. As if! Also, she wasn’t exactly making an effort to talk to me. How rude. I have never come across a woman like this in my life. She is late 40s - who behaves like this?

AIBU to be annoyed that this happened at all? My husband has apologised but seems to think it’s a joke. He doesn’t get it at all. These men are late 40s and collectively, should be able to get rid of this lunatic. He says it’s a public cafe and there’s lots of people there and they can’t really stop her. Well, just find a different place to meet then!

OP posts:
PhillipPhillop · 31/05/2021 20:15

@CandyLeBonBon

I can't get over the catering requirements! Duck that shit! What are you all? Stepford wives? It's bizarre!
Agree! So every Sunday possibly all the men go out for c. 7 hours (hopefully their wives have Saturdays as their down time) and then they get fed and watered and waited on hand and foot? Please tell me they clear up afterwards and don't insist they need a shower?Shock
Tambora · 31/05/2021 20:15

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

Yeah ok bigger problem here. Being expected to behave as a waitress for social functions is not just a ‘trait’ of his, it’s deeply disrespectful. Perhaps you should start a fresh thread about your broader relationship because I suspect that mysterious female cycling fans will be the least of it.
Eh? The OP wasn't running around being a 'waitress'. Where did you get that idea? Providing some grub for a few blokes after a cycle ride isn't exactly what I'd call a 'social function' either.
CorvusPurpureus · 31/05/2021 20:16

I reckon:

  1. She's shagging one of the group.
  2. OP's DH knows this.
  3. OP's DH has not wanted to share this gossip with OP because OP might want to tell the wife/girlfriend (are you friendly with the other guys' partners?) & this would cause a big fallout
  4. DH also does not want OP thinking along the lines of cycle groupies hanging around & shagging, because then she might worry he would also be tempted & want him to pack in his hobby
  5. DH basically wants to enjoy his nice weekend activity with the lads & not get dragged into whatever shenanigans are afoot
  6. DH has accordingly decided just not to mention the existence of PomPoms to OP, because he knows she would be Hmm about the situation.
  7. DH was correspondingly mortified when PomPoms rocked up, hence the 'nothing to see here!' assumed nonchalance...
SeasonFinale · 31/05/2021 20:17

@4cats4kids

I can’t believe he hasn’t mentioned this woman before. She turns up at 7am every Sunday and has got on the WhatsApp. He is such a dope sometimes. He seems to think she’s interested in the cycling and is building up to joining them and they can’t really exclude her just because she’s female, but overall, they don’t know why she comes as she only tried to join them once. She doesn’t even have the right kind of bike but she keeps saying she’s going to get one. He just thinks she’s odd and none of them really know what to think. But I said to him, no woman would show up with muffins at 7am if she didn’t fancy one of them or perhaps several of them. DH said, “Why would she fancy us?” He is so dim sometimes, he really is.
If he is the one who hasn't mentioned her then its him that is shagging her! You realise this, yes?
Changechangychange · 31/05/2021 20:20

@Gwenhwyfar

" Eight married men have a sexy, single female "cheerleader" and don't mention it to the wife. Personally, that's what I wouldn't put up with.

Is she that sexy?
There's a woman who follows the cycling club because she likes to be around the men. So what?

OP says the follower wears micro shorts, in her late 40s. Not cycling shorts, not leggings, but booty shorts and cheerleader pompoms.

She may or may not be successful at being sexy, I have no idea. But very few women in this age group wear this kind of outfit unless they are trying to look sexy.

The “Cycling Send-Off Woman.” What the hell?
4cats4kids · 31/05/2021 20:21

I will try and find out precisely how she got the address, but I assume he told them at Box Hill or they had a discussion about this. Or maybe he’d told them before on WhatsApp.

I’m not going to ask to see the WhatsApp because I don’t feel I need to at this point. But if she shows up at his boxing in the near future, that will be another matter, obviously. I don’t think she will (I hope not), but I do think he would tell me now if she did, after this lunch business.

OP posts:
Mangomoonlight · 31/05/2021 20:23

I need photos and video footage Grin

BumCat · 31/05/2021 20:25

My friends mum does this! He cycles regularly and she used to follow him around in a car when he did a ride then take part posing in pictures with everyone after they finished taking part in a ride like she was part of the bloody team. 😂 went to all the post dinners and drinks. Posted it all over Facebook.

He’s been unable to take part in any events lately, but she still goes to “boost morale”, apparently.

Odd, but probably lonely and misplaced.

NursieBernard · 31/05/2021 20:27

Never mind any of this stuff with the woman, why the hell is your husband expecting you to make lunch for him and his cycling friends? I'm assuming he's a functioning adult who could do it himself?

Gwenhwyfar · 31/05/2021 20:27

"Pom Pom woman behaved very rudely to OP in her own home, having never met her before and when OP was feeding her. That's rude and weird."

Looking at the OP again, she was loud and didn't make much of an effort to talk to OP. I don't see that as being so rude. I'd probably say thank you very much to the host, but spend most of my time talking to people I know. I don't understand why OP's husband doesn't do the hosting himself anyway.

Gothichouse40 · 31/05/2021 20:28

I think she fancies more than a drive.....

Gwenhwyfar · 31/05/2021 20:29

"She may or may not be successful at being sexy"

I didn't get the impression she was, so that would make her not sexy in my book.

TheRebelle · 31/05/2021 20:31

I don’t think any of them are shagging her, I think it’s just a strange situation and they’re like rabbits caught in the headlights.

Ive certainly met this type of oblivious woman before, they see themselves as Nigella Lawson but they’re more like Edina Monsoon. I mean what woman in her 40s who hasn’t cycled seriously before would think she could keep up with a group of blokes who are cycling 100s of miles on fancy bikes?

I do think it’s strange your DH never mentioned the pom poms though, my DH would’ve been texting me saying the pom pom woman is coming for lunch!

LemonSwan · 31/05/2021 20:36

Your DP invited everyone to lunch and gave out your address whilst in the company of a crazy lady who comes places uninvited.

As usual its a DP problem.

LemonSwan · 31/05/2021 20:36

*A fucking hilarious one at that!

CocoStar555 · 31/05/2021 20:39

My first impression was that this woman must be quite attractive to have provoked such an "unsisterly" response from the OP and such a defensive reaction from the husband. Not suggesting that the husband is hiding something but he must have anticipated some kind of negative reaction from his wife which is why he never mentioned the woman before.

Clearly, the woman IS a part of this cycling group, in a different capacity to the riders. Just like other types of groups have someone to officiate rather than participate in an activity. Her presence makes the group seem like more than a bunch of men going cycling together, which is also why they maintain a tradition of having lunches.

Surprised by all the posts badmouthing this woman whose only fault is that the OP's husband hadn't mentioned her before. Read into that what you will.

Cakeofdoom · 31/05/2021 20:40

I don't know if this is a comparator or not but my DH is a musician and plays in a number of bands locally, one of which has a big local following - there are middle aged female band followers (too old to be groupies but still dress like it) that think they have some sort of ownership of the band, particularly my DH as he is the guitarist. They ignore me if i'm at a gig make contact with the band members via social media. I've been out socially with my DH and women will push me aside to talk to him and totally blank me... It's all quite bizarre, it's not like they are the bloody Foo Fighters...but these women are a strange breed and this is a 'thing' for them. They wear the band T shirts and follow them from gig to gig.... It sounds like the cycling is this women's 'gig' and she has ingratiated herself quite spectacularly into the inner circle ....She also sounds like a full on full moon loon...

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 20:42

@LemonSwan

Your DP invited everyone to lunch and gave out your address whilst in the company of a crazy lady who comes places uninvited.

As usual its a DP problem.

This is another issue. I would not appreciate being ambushed with an uninvited, unhinged stranger inside my home or even knowing our address.
lljkk · 31/05/2021 20:43

sound like all the MAMILs will be very grateful if OP takes the lady aside to explain she is making the wrong impression on them.

There are some FLAB* clubs about which would be much more her level & give the gal a more appropriate social network.

*Fat Lad/Lass at the Back, less athletic more sociable leisure cyclists. Often welcome keen beginners.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 20:43

middle aged female band followers (too old to be groupies but still dress like it)

That's not only dangerously misogynistic it's also hugely ageist, and sexist.

You might want to think about that.

Imelda03 · 31/05/2021 20:43

Regardless of whether you say if he wanted an affair it he wouldn’t be with her (which I find an odd assumption to make!?) you are ignoring a few really odd things (which granted don’t point to an affair at but im your own words give you a bad vibe and something is giving you that vibe so trust it ie ......

he’s never mentioned her before she turns up unannounced to your home

He then tells you she’s a long time attendee at rides/meets and on WhatsApp but again didn’t mention this to you .......

When she shows up he gives the age old narrative of she’s crazy blah blah but by all accounts this behaviour was never crazy enough to mention to you previously????

She knows about his boxing and asked him about coming to his club. This made you uncomfortable and when you question this he says she didn’t but you say you overheard her say this. They must have chatted etc for her to know this......

She was rude to you in your home.

None of the other wives have mentioned her to you.

I’m short, you were instinctive enough to pick something up about this woman but you have taken at face value his narrative of crazy latch on groupie and poor dim men group and are quite nasty about her.........his deflective narrative has worked very well.

You haven’t really explored why he hasn’t told you about the only female crazy non cyclist latch in pom-pom muffin lady stalker of his group previously but believe he’s a innocent dim man bamboozled by Pom pom Zilla when she turns up to your home and appears to know him and the group and be very comfortable.

It’s odd and something doesn’t add up and you knew that from the get go so keep sharp and don’t back peddle because he gave you some nonsense about being followed around by a crazy lady for a while but didnt feel the need to share prior.

BadMotherLover · 31/05/2021 20:49

How did she know where you live? Surely only your DH could have told her? She sounds absolutely bonkers. And it is bizarre that they allow her to be some mad groupie/cheer leader. Why can't they just meet somewhere else, or at a different time?

wdmtthgcock · 31/05/2021 20:49

but what does annoy me with DH is that he expects me to be in and out with drinks like a waitress while he just sits there and fine if they are my friends or mutual friends, but these people are not my friends, they’re his. I’ve told him this and he apologises, but this is a trait with him. So it wasn’t all this woman’s fault I was annoyed and I admit that

So don't be in and out with drinks. You've prepared the food and it's buffet style and that should be it. He is also hosting the group so he can make sure everyone has drinks.
I really couldn't be arsed with going in and out for drinks for grown men who are perfectly capable of also getting drinks themselves.

I find it very suspicious that DH never mentioned "crazy pompom lady" before. When I was in a relationship (thank God I'm not any more) my exes and I would always mention interesting characters/unusual behaviour of people turning up at our respective hobbies. No way would any of us have forgotten to mention something as spectacular as the muffin-bearing, cyclist stalking, pompom lady. It's been going on for months!!

bigbadbluewhale · 31/05/2021 20:50

What leaps out to me here is that you have very different expectations of men and women.

I agree that this situation sounds odd, and some of this woman's behaviours do seem strange. From your description, this woman could be anything from a very vulnerable individual to a quirky personality. It is hard to judge from your posts and without having been there. However, you seem to have taken issue with her for:

Showing up at your house
Expecting you to have prepared lunch
Identifying as part of your husband's cycling team
Talking about bikes
Not engaging with you

All of the men involved, including your husband, are also guilty of the first 4 of these. In fact, given that your husband expected you to act like "a waitress" whilst they are there and that you've emphasised they are not your friends, I'd hazard a guess that the men were probably not engaging with you very well either.

I think the group's behaviour towards you is very poor and the fact that your husband have never mentioned this woman is strange. I'm just struggling to understand why the majority of your anger is reserved for the only person in the group that you don't have a relationship with.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 20:51

It reads like an episode of 'the good life' op. Are you 'Margot' to dh's Jerru?