My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

workworkworkugh · 2021-04-19T12:22:48+00:00

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full. Will try and link the old one

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 19/04/2021 13:23

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum) http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4116061-my-16yo-ds-and-his-girlfriend-and-her-mum

OP posts:

AwkwardArnottDentonFumble · 19/04/2021 14:07

Hi OP, just read your updates. So sorry the police aren’t doing more.

Aprilshowersandhail · 19/04/2021 14:07

My ds was much older - 24 - found himself in a similar batshit relationship..
2 to be exact. Low from 1 he fell into another.. His mh was so bad he attempted suicide and his gf tried to keep us away.
They even got engaged and he took out a big loan for a big party.. I didn't go and he knew how worried we all were.
Se as your ds op. Blinkered.
We never once supported or agreed the relationship was in his best interests.. Lots to it..
One day he said he just woke up and it hit him how toxic she was and dumped her. Right out of the blue.
Stay strong op. Your ds will wise up. And you can support him post wreckage..

BlueDahlia69 · 19/04/2021 14:09

Supporting you OP 🌸

Homehaircuts · 19/04/2021 14:21

Sorry might not be popular opinion here but I would just ban them from being together. While he is in your house and a minor yes. If he sneeks behind your back i would kick him out and take the conquences that come with it, equally they will have to to. There is no way on earth this relationship would have my blessing at all. If he chooses to be with her when he is an adult, we can talk. While he is living in my house no. She is a teenager and young but she sounds phyco. 100% tough love for the son without family support, I doubt it would last long. Yes there may be undoable consequences but I would not allow my kids and there boyfriends/girlfriends to ruin family life like this. No way.

Drinkingallthewine · 19/04/2021 14:22

It sound like his request for a review is showing that on some level, he knows it's not right, that you ARE talking sense, and that he needs you and the boundaries you are trying to instil. That's a positive, that shows that while he's not ready to break free just yet, he's got his foot on the path and knows that he needs you to help him - when he's ready.

The parents are a dead end. They've enabled her behaviour and the reason they are clinging onto your son is so that his mental health can be sacrificed for hers. They don't care if she destroys him in the process, they don't want to deal with the fallout of a break up with her.
They are no friends to you, and will not support your efforts.

She will continue to try to isolate you from him - you are the only threat to her totally dominating him. Be alert for this.
But I can see that he's made some progress since the beginning of your first thread so that's something...

Fieldsofstars · 19/04/2021 14:26

Her behaviour is appalling and to be honest this is where my foot would be firmly down.

I wouldn’t be paying for his way of life whilst this amount of disrespect was happening.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 19/04/2021 14:29

Do you know his friends well? Do they have an opinion on how your DS is being treated by this girl?

I agree with PP, if she was mine I'd hope that I'd have the insight to get her a psych assessment.

MrsMiddleMother · 19/04/2021 14:31

Okay this is getting ridiculous now! You're the parent. Take his phone off him, change schools you pay for it for god sake. Ban him from seeing her. His girlfriend threatened to murder his mother and he still wants to be with her?? He's 16, not exactly a kid. I'd say if he sees her again he would no longer be staying in my house.

timeforanewnameagain · 19/04/2021 14:31

Something else to consider OP, and I hope I'm way off the mark here.

This reminds me a little of a story I read about in the US with teens similar to these. The parents put a stop to it (the boys parents) and they sneaked off because they were 'so in love'. They were having sex, and she didn't get pregnant but what she did do when it was evident that they were not going to stay together was accuse him of rape.

He attempted suicide and she confessed eventually that she had lied (and she was prosecuted I believe) but it ruined his life.

Your son is at risk of her accusing him of anything she concocts if they're alone together. Please don't allow them to be on their own.

tensmum1964 · 19/04/2021 14:32

The fact that he has agreed to sit down and talk at the weekend is a good sign. Really feel for you and admire for doing the best you can in such difficult and traumatic circumstances.

Homehaircuts · 19/04/2021 14:34

@Fieldsofstars

Her behaviour is appalling and to be honest this is where my foot would be firmly down.

I wouldn’t be paying for his way of life whilst this amount of disrespect was happening.

Agree definitely this this. This has been going on for months op how on earth is it still being allowed to give you and the rest of your family so much stress. My brother got kicked out and he lived with the crazy girlfriend a little while before seeing for himself how toxic she was and no family support forced him to see it as it was eventually. Not at first, but your son carrying on in this awful toxic and abusive relation shouldn't have the right to bring this amount of stress on the family. Why are you still allowing it?

SwishSwishBisch · 19/04/2021 14:41

@Drinkingallthewine

It sound like his request for a review is showing that on some level, he knows it's not right, that you ARE talking sense, and that he needs you and the boundaries you are trying to instil. That's a positive, that shows that while he's not ready to break free just yet, he's got his foot on the path and knows that he needs you to help him - when he's ready.

The parents are a dead end. They've enabled her behaviour and the reason they are clinging onto your son is so that his mental health can be sacrificed for hers. They don't care if she destroys him in the process, they don't want to deal with the fallout of a break up with her.
They are no friends to you, and will not support your efforts.

She will continue to try to isolate you from him - you are the only threat to her totally dominating him. Be alert for this.
But I can see that he's made some progress since the beginning of your first thread so that's something...

Completely agree with Drinkingallthewine. Her parents are of zero use to you here.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 19/04/2021 14:42

I'm so sorry that the police haven't done more and that this girls parents are pretty much completely dismissive of her behaviour. How is your son? Very glad the school are being proactive and I really hope they find him some work experience really soon.

Icancelledthecheque · 19/04/2021 14:43

If the OP bans him from seeing her (as tempting as that is) then he’ll simply move in there.

If/when the time comes that he then wants to leave and go back home, he won’t feel able to because his relationship with his mum and dad will have deteriorated and he might end up hurting himself.

It’s a horrible situation. Are there any charity phone lines you can speak to for help, specialising in DV or teenagers?

Panda368 · 19/04/2021 14:43

.

Satis · 19/04/2021 14:49

Where I come from incitement to murder is a crime. OP, have you thought about pressing charges?

mealsonwheelz · 19/04/2021 14:50

I cannot even imagine the immense stress your family is under. I am surprised at the GP's reaction. My feeling is that all of this is fuelling a drama and chaos that she will thrive on. And putting bans in whilst also allowing them to see each other at the weekend, just adds more to the teenage thrill of the illicit. It really feeds and fuels the fire. I think having gone as far as you have, to allow them contact now is very counter productive. I wouldn't be having any further dialogue with the parents or the girl - you are powerless to change them or get them to come around to your way of thinking. Clearly they both have issues given the offspring they've produced. However you do have control over your reaction snd the way in which you can protect your son. So I wouldn't give in now. I think this could still escalate a lot further - she is capable more than her back chat. Somehow you need to get your son in front of a good therapist. That really is the only way forward. Someone who is not his mum snd who can get him see how emotional abuse starts and how what he is experiencing isn't normal and is damaging him. He sounds incredibly codependent and unfortunately codependency is a learned thing... so breaking out of that pattern will take some work for him. But I agree with the other posters. Zero tolerance and do not allow contact with her. I would ask his friends to stage an intervention and do what you can to get his head back to a place where he is more grounded and not in a highly emotive and triggered space...

mealsonwheelz · 19/04/2021 14:51

Just to add... allowing him to continue his relationship as it stands undermines everything that has happened thus far and diminishes your statement about putting down boundaries and diminishes her behaviour and acceptance of it. I would be very careful at this stage.

LookItsMeAgain · 19/04/2021 14:53

I read your other thread and when I read this comment in the other thread:
Her parents could see some of her behaviour is not right but seem hellbent on keeping them together, beats me why, I said to all of them that relationships at this age shouldn't be that hard and it's abusive. I think the parents know she wouldn't find anyone else to put up with her so THEY don't want her to lose DS.
it became crystal clear to me that they are choosing to be blinkered to the effects their daughter is having on your son. They don't care about your son and have no intention of stepping in and saying "No" or "Enough" to their daughter. They themselves don't want to put up with her and your DS is caught squarely between everyone.
I don't have any suggestions on how you can deal with this but I think you've dealt with it as best you can up to now so carry on with that.
I think that your DS wanting to have a discussion around things at the weekend is also a positive step.

It seems a bit warped that while he's 16, he is not yet old enough to vote but is old enough to leave home (if he wanted to) or decline medical assistance or counselling because of his age. He's really not old enough to be making those decisions and if necessary, I'd even consider scheduling an appointment with a counsellor if they could come to your house. Can they do that?? have the meeting in a familiar setting and explain that you are only having this session because you are at your wits end and you don't know what else to do.

Not that he would have gone through with it but have you asked him what he thought about being told to kill his mother by his girlfriend?? Have you asked him why she would think that it would be an ok thing to suggest to him to do, for her??
Have you asked him if the roles were reversed, and he was sending that type of message to her asking her to kill her mother what he might think would happen to him? What he thinks should happen to him?

Nonpayingdads · 19/04/2021 14:54

Rock and a hard place OP...

He will get out of this mess eventually. Personally I’d ban all comms with her and take him on holiday somewhere far away. She is clearly very dangerous. Especially now she’s been exposed to her parents and school. She feels him slipping away...

Yes I’d be worried about her deliberately becoming pregnant to keep him or claiming he raped when he hadn’t. (And I don’t write that sentence lightly).

harriethoyle · 19/04/2021 14:59

I really feel for you OP - what a nightmare. No advice, but

diddl · 19/04/2021 15:00

@AwkwardArnottDentonFumble

Hi OP, just read your updates. So sorry the police aren’t doing more.

Have they been asked to do anything?

Op hasn't soght a restraining order for herself & her son doesn't want to seek one.

It's good that your son pulled her up on a lie.

Hopefully he will see that he can stand up to her & at some point walk away.

I understand why you don't want her in your house but would be so worried about what goes on/is said at her house.

The fact that your son still wants to see her after she asked him to kill you is fucking awful & you must be so disappointed.

I guess it was just a joke/bantz

Must be tempting to tell him that you have said your piece( for all the good it did) & you are only interested in meeting again if it's for him to have the strength to dump her.

Good luck to you all, Op.

Shit situation all round.

Panda368 · 19/04/2021 15:02

If you decide to allow them to keep seeing each other - you need to make it only under your roof and no-where else - obviously you don't want to be anywhere near her which is understandable.

No going to her parents who will continue to gaslight him / enable her and try to keep them together.
If it is in your house - which she clearly hates she has to play by your rules and you can keep an eye on them.

This way - you aren't keeping them apart but are keeping your son safe and away from her enabling family. There will also be reliable witnesses of you / your husband / his brothers which will make it harder for her to lie about interactions.

GettingItOutThere · 19/04/2021 15:03

@Homehaircuts

Sorry might not be popular opinion here but I would just ban them from being together. While he is in your house and a minor yes. If he sneeks behind your back i would kick him out and take the conquences that come with it, equally they will have to to. There is no way on earth this relationship would have my blessing at all. If he chooses to be with her when he is an adult, we can talk. While he is living in my house no. She is a teenager and young but she sounds phyco. 100% tough love for the son without family support, I doubt it would last long. Yes there may be undoable consequences but I would not allow my kids and there boyfriends/girlfriends to ruin family life like this. No way.

this ^

its gone way too far now.