My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

I too have followed this from the beginning. And I am increasingly astonished at the number of posters who think it's okay to post stories about fatalities ('they ran into a speeding train because they thought they couldn't be together'). If I was the OP, this would be causing me massive anxiety and, since she is for obvious reasons suffering from massive anxiety already, maybe everyone should just keep focusing on positive support instead.

You have my sympathies, OP, it sounds incredibly difficult, and there are times as a parent of teenagers when you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your DS is very lucky to have you and he probably knows that already. But if not, then he will.

@Icancelledthecheque

If the OP bans him from seeing her (as tempting as that is) then he’ll simply move in there.

If/when the time comes that he then wants to leave and go back home, he won’t feel able to because his relationship with his mum and dad will have deteriorated and he might end up hurting himself.

It’s a horrible situation. Are there any charity phone lines you can speak to for help, specialising in DV or teenagers?

Not necessarily. My family (this was back in the 90's) told my brother then 16, clearly, just the facts of this girls behaviour and his. How it was really effecting the whole family. What would happen if he continued and why. They told him they love him and will welcome him back when he saw sense. He hated them so much of course, left for a short while to play happy families. But she was so controlling and the fact he took my parents forgranted he soon realised he wasn't so love with her as he thought. This was a very last resort for my parents and it really pained them for along time. I know it may not always turn out 100% ok. But it did force my brother to think about his life choices. After all this was over and my brother was back home, the next relationship he had he was so careful with his choices of girls. It burnt him but he learnt. He is now married to a lovely lady we all adore, and has thanked my parents for how they acted.

Good luck OP. It's really hard when someone you love is in an abusive relationship and won't leave.

I hope he sees through her very soon!

I'm not sure if this may be an option for you, OP, but some years ago, my cousin and her husband had a similar issue with one of their sons.

They're in NZ and were able, with the school's blessing, to send him to a sort of 'bush camp' for three months in the south island (they lived in Auckland) - very practical, limited wifi, quite a disciplined environment. As you can imagine, time and distance helped enormously in cooling their respective ardour.

Not the same country, but I know ANZAC schools tend to be a bit more pragmatic in general when it comes to education, so would this sort of thing be an option?

I’m training to be a counsellor op, counselling only works when the ‘client’ is fully committed to the process. He needs to really want to seek support.

Just a few thought: I agree if he starts to want to break up she may accuse him of rape.
He must not be allowed to sleep at their house, although they could find another time & place.
He must not be allowed to miss his sport or Medical appointments or Counselling.
He needs to be reminded that if He had made the remark that she should kill her mother, he would be incarcerated.
Life is not supposed to be so hysterical, time with her shouldn't be full of threats & reproaches. It is not love.

I know some thing about this pain, my DD basically left home at about 15/16, ended up living with her bf's mother, who didn't care, (she ran a bar, & was never there). the story goes on.(& on)
However I always paid for her phone, I took her food shopping & paid, let her come home to do her laundry.. I kept communications open.
She kept missing school, so I ended up insisting she had to legally stay in the education system & got her into another school weekly boarding.
Fortunately by the end of that school year, she had met so many poor, unloved, unhealthy, disowned, border line people that she realized her life at home wasn't after all so bad.
I will never ever forget the ice cold isolation of walking round a town I hardly knew, asking in all the bars if they knew of a bar owner who had a son called Max. When she was missing.

OP I’ve read most of the threads but not all so apologise if this has already been suggested, but how about a break from the relationship? Tell them that if it’s real love, a few months apart with no contact won’t make any difference, but that this would give them a chance to rethink how (and most importantly, IF) they can be together.

Odds are your son will see the light if he gets his old life back.

It’s a shame you can’t pay a random teenage boy to pretend to woo her so she dumps your son and hooks up with him long enough for your son to see sense.

It seems barmy that her parents are ok at her text messages.

Could your DS do work experience away from home so he would be away from her for a bit?

And I agree with those who say that the GF’s comments about murdering you have to be taken very, very seriously. It is very concerning. This girl seems unhinged and might be capable of anything

I'd try one of 2 things.

Tell the parents you're disgusted by her behaviour and you are ending the relationship for them, taking his phone etc and theu meet up you will be posting pictures of her messages online so everyone can see what a psycho she is.

Or is tell your son it's his life and you don't want to hear another word on it. Meet her, don't meet her, fight, make up, you don't want to in be sucked into the drama. The more he can see the drama is with her the sooner he will see sense.

Oh goodness OP this sounds like a horror movie plot - I really hope you can get this sorted - sounds like she needs a shrink to be honest

You poor thing op, I can’t imagine what you are going through. Also in oz here.

Sending lots of support - this is a nightmare xxxx

@notwavingbutdrowning5

I too have followed this from the beginning. And I am increasingly astonished at the number of posters who think it's okay to post stories about fatalities ('they ran into a speeding train because they thought they couldn't be together'). If I was the OP, this would be causing me massive anxiety and, since she is for obvious reasons suffering from massive anxiety already, maybe everyone should just keep focusing on positive support instead.

You have my sympathies, OP, it sounds incredibly difficult, and there are times as a parent of teenagers when you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your DS is very lucky to have you and he probably knows that already. But if not, then he will.

I completely agree with this. I think it’s important not to catastrophise in an already very stressful situation. People can dredge up and awful story for any situation, but it’s not particularly helpful. Fortunately I’ve also seen a few people saying they were in similar situations as children and they now have good relationships with their parents and got out of the bad relationship. This is obviously a serious situation but it doesn’t need to be made worse by horror stories.

Op I’m so sorry for you, she’s so horrible! How can your son not see it? I would start inviting his friends over a lot, making your house the fun house to be at (with her never allowed to come) and start letting his mates know what’s going on so they can say to him that it’s not normal. I’m so sorry op. This is just tragic.

You sound like a great Mum OP, hopefully your ds will soon realise he deserves a better gf xx

I hope that you are sleeping now, @workworkworkugh but I also hope that tomorrow is a better day and that your son IS starting to realise how nutso his GF actually is.

Another question, that you may or may not know the real answer to - are either of them doing any drugs? It's common enough and easy enough to get hold of drugs in schools (sadly) so I was just wondering if that had any bearing on the whole "high drama" of the situation. And also, if they are, that would be an added risk factor for your own safety.

workworkworkugh I really have so much admiration for how you've handled this. Unfortunately you seem to be dealing with parents who are not willing to deal with anything. This girl is actually being failed by her parents. I seriously hope that the school can get them to understand how serious this is, perhaps they'll listen to them.

I suspect that one of the reasons her parents are so passive and seem to have a vested interest in keeping them together isn't that they see your son as a wonderful person, more an adult to take her off their hands. They have enabled this behaviour to such an extent that any criticism of it will be seen as a personal attack.

I speak from experience in my BF when we were the same age as OP's son had a lot of issues resulting from his parents enabling him and not giving him any useful tools such as self-awareness and that other people exist. Things went sour but nothing to the extent that OP has and when I dumped him, his mum practically begged me to get back with him. I saw that more as vindication that I did the right thing - I'd already given him chances - he didn't see any reason to change him self (or his clothes EVER...).

Is there a time/opportunity where you could go on a family holiday with him a long way from her - it will take a long time for this to fade.

.

Sending best wishes to you op. I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't been mentioned

Whilst he's off school this week can you invite some of his friends over in the evenings?

I'm just thinking that this week away from her might give him the chance to re-connect with his friends and realise what she's making him sacrifice?

It might also take his mind off her to a degree?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

I was in an abusive relationship as an adult (though not as bad as this :-() and, like a poster above, one of the things that was most helpful to me in finally getting my head in the right place to break free was spending a few weeks away from my partner staying with family. Being reminded that you shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around the people you're close to made a huge impression.

It still took quite a while before I left the relationship, but that was partly because of logistics around money and our child and housing--I wasn't living anywhere near my family and friends by that time so couldn't turn to them for support.

Hopefully when your son is ready to break free he'll know he can turn to you and his dad for help.

Best wishes

Wowzer