My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

Just wanted to say you are an incredible mum and I hope your son gets away from this girl she is truly toxic and is abusing him much love 💐 stay strong x

I know I keep posting the same thing OP, but have you spoken to his friends? Are you close to them?

Sadly, they will be far more influential than parents at 16. I would be asking them to support you in getting him away from her. Ideally an intervention/weekend away - no choice to him. But anything - even just a chat.

Hi op, just for balance I was in a totally isolating unhealthy relationship as a teenager. My dad was tearing his hair out over the stress of it. I eventually just saw sense by myself and have had healthy relationships ever since. Good luck to you

Sorry to read you're in such a nightmare situation. I hope DS comes to his senses and sees things as they really are soon.

From what i have read the parents of the weirdo, are happy because she is fixed on your son and leaving them be, she sounds like a total and utter painful child obviously they cannot control their child and are happy she is fixated on someone else giving them a break.
They are obviously happily divorced or separated and glad they are not the focus of her attention. I wish you luck in getting your son to see sense but i believe he is blinkered by her and it will be a long time before you get him back, and feel very sorry for you all but especially him

I think a lot of the posters saying that you shouldn't let your DS do x or y @workworkworkugh don't have teenage sons. I have two of them - they are both bigger than me, stronger than me, and if they want to leave the house I couldn't physically stop them. Or you take the ban him from seeing her, take his phone, plan to send him to the wilderness for a month advice and what happens? He runs straight to her house and her parents have already made it clear that he is welcome to stay, probably because they've dealt with her shit and games for 15+ years and are frankly grateful that someone else is now the target for her drama.

All you can do is keep telling him that you love him and that he will always have a home with you. I agree with a point made on the other thread that peers are the way to go here - his cricket team mates, or rugby mates, or scouts or whatever. A lad of his own age who can point out to him that no other girlfriends act like this, that it's abnormal and that he's being abused.

Good luck OP.

Just a thought, it may have been suggested before.
But rather than you and DH telling him do you perhaps have a family member or friend who your son looks up to who could have a chat with him, someone like an older cousin or an uncle?
You may even have someone close
to you who has been in an abusive relationship, if they felt they were up to it, it might be helpful to have them have a quiet chat with him.
16 y/o is peak ‘my parents are so out of touch they have no idea what I’m going through they just want to restrict me’ angst.
Hearing it from someone he knows and respects may help. And also it means you can continue keeping your distance from the situation.

Borderline personality disorder...

You're doing an amazing job @workworkworkugh trying to navigate between keeping your DS with you & listening to you, and keeping him safe.

I wondered about another male - uncle, cousin, grandfather - having a bit of a heart to heart with him, in a straightforward "Look, mate, what's with you and X?" Or his friends - that sounds like a really good idea.

Are you the main parent dealing with this? Could you hand over to your DH and just back out a bit? For your own sake (you must be feeling shaky to say the least), but also to take it away from being about you - your DH can talk about how he feels when his wife is threatened - how would DS feel? Blokey stuff, I suppose.

Good luck.

OP, I remember your earlier thread and am sorry to hear it's still ongoing. I really hope you get the help and support you need from the police & school.

I would ban him from seeing her as well.

The girl asked him to kill you. To KILL you. So they could be together.

And he still wants her? Fuck no! I'd also consider sending him far away if you have any family anywhere to get him away from her.

PLEASE pay for a psychiatrist. It’s disgusting that the police don’t care that a boy is being abused and encouraged yo kill his mum.

You need to move your DS to a new school. His friends need to know what is happening. He’s more likely to listen to them.

@Satis

Where I come from incitement to murder is a crime. OP, have you thought about pressing charges?

Yes this!

Suspect her parents are relieved that your son is in her life. I'd put money on it that she treats them like shit and having him there must take some of the pressure of them.
So very difficult OP.

Just marking to follow.

Ohnomoreno totally agree.

absolutely classic - google it OP.

and I'm not being an 'armchair' psychiatrist.

Her parents are not interested in your son"s welfare and they are happy to use him to keep their daughter happy (in the same way they have always done what she wanted to appease her).
The fact that they didn't seem bothered about her wanting you dead shows how much they have buried their heads in the sand. Do not depend on them to do the right thing.
Is there is any way you can get your son away from her, even for a few weeks, no phone? Visit a relative? He needs to see the wood from the trees.

Your ds makes their lives easier.

I would contact his friends and tell them the truth about her. Tell them you are worried for him and he needs support to see that this is bat shit crazy behaviour.

Clearly the whole kill your Mum thing is such a teenage thing to say. What happens next? Your son gets arrested for murder and she never sees him again. Did she think that he would just be okay to kill you and then they waltz off into the sunset? This is where teens don't think things through. I would want to point that out to him so he can possibly point that out to her if it ever comes up again. And yes, teens in the US have done this, killed a parent to be together. It does happen.

I do wonder that if the roles were reversed and the male was the one saying kill your Mother, the police would be taking a much harsher stand on this.

I would also have printed out the stuff she wrote about you to give to the parents to confront her attitude in black and white. I do think you are doing an amazing job in all of this.

To those saying ban them from seeing each other, someone I work with did this with her 17 year old daughter and she just moved in with the unemployed, drug taking, never had a job 24 year old who still lived with his Mum, also on benefits, no rules household. It was devastating.

She sounds spoiled entitled selfish and her parents pander to her controlling demanding behaviour to keep the peace, so unfortunately they will do anything to keep your Son in her life because it makes their lives way easier.

Horrible situation.

Thanks @workworkworkugh

Stay strong OP, please don't give up on him. Even if you feel like the bad guy, he will thank you for this one day.

Sympathy to you OP. I'm shocked by what I have read and this is a very stressful time

If that girl was mine, i'd be discouraging the relationship on the basis that it's too intense and would encourage her to be less reliant on a boy for happiness, encourage her to be independent, concentrate on education and having fun with friends. Not pushing her get tied down too young. It's a shocker

Her parents have a lot to answer for

If I were you, I'd take a step back. Keep reinforcing the message that he needs to have fun with his friends, enjoy his youth whilst he has to, and channel energy to sports and school. Can you speak to his mates? See if they can help support him? Tempt him away?

I wonder if he worries that he has burned bridges with mates having pushed them away and does he feel like he needs this girl? Somehow she has made him feel like he's stuck with her now?

Be careful not to push him into her arms even more. One day the blinkers will come
Off

What an absolute horror show she is!! As hard as it must be I commend you for sticking by your son. One day he will see and truly appreciate you guys being there. Hopefully he will see her for what she truly is. Hopefully that day will be soon for all concerned

Wow just read through the whole story tonight. I don’t have a lot I can say that others haven’t, but your DS is lucky to have such a caring mum (and dad I presume)