My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (Part 2)

[workworkworkugh]

Just opening a new thread as I believe the other one is getting full.
Will try and link the old one

I think you’ve done all you can maybe it is time for him to make his own mistakes
Hopefully he’ll see through her very quickly

Suspect her parents are relieved that your son is in her life

I thought the same. Probably hoping your DS will be a good influence on her

Oh OP, I so feel for you. What an awful situation. I agree with other people about trying to get his friends involved.

Could you bring her into your family fold? If only to keep a closer eye. Her parents sound useless and she sounds like she has serious mental health issues. You sound like you’re keeping the lines of communication open with your son and so he knows you’ll always be there for him.

I've read your previous thread. Oh my gosh, my mouth hit the floor. You have been so patient, understanding and open with your son. You couldn't have done better. I applaud your rationale and behaviour. Your son's girlfriend is so dangerous, she tells lies and bullies your son. It's so horrible. I think I would ban her from my house and wish to move away. But what can you do, he's 16, he could run away to be with her. I hope to God that she doesn't end up pregnant, therefore tethered to your son. I genuinely hope he wakes up one morning, and smells the coffee. He sounds like a lovely boy who deserves so much better. Well done for having the patience of a saint. I cannot believe that she asked your son to kill you, in order to be together! She is mentally unhinged and sick. I hope she gets assessed and treated for her mental illness (I do believe, she has one).

I wish you all the luck in the world in getting your son to see her for what she is.

Just caught up on the thread. In a similar situation with dd but she’s 19 had moved to a university house but has got involved in an abusive controlling relationship and now lives with him we dont even know where. So no advice but watching with interest. Hopefully one day they will both see sense as it’s making me ill with stress and anxiety. He’s batshit crazy like your sons girlfriend

Her parents seem like a massive problem. No wonder she's the way she is! I have no advise but followed from the start and hoping you eventually get a resolution

her parents seem to wish him there as they cannot deal with her tantrums either!
if it was me I would so want to ban him from seeing her, i would explain to all concerned that the relationship was over. no arguments, the girl suggested he kill you for goodness sake! that is a threat

Oh, I feel for you @workworkworkugh. I was surprised that you're considering letting her 'win' after all this, it will only encourage her. If you are going to allow him to see her do you think you could make seeing a therapist a condition of him seeing her at weekends? Sell it to him as a compromise.
I agree with other posters about inviting his mates around to the house, have a few BBQs and generally loads of fun. I hope things resolve themselves soon. Thinking of you!

Goes from bad to worse. This is their doing really, isn't it. They have taken the easy path rather than setting boundaries for her and helped create a monster. Now they are basically using your son as a pacifier so they still don't have to parent.

It sounds to me like it's trickling through, OP which is positive. He wants to reassess and HE pulled her up in front of you all in a lie. He knows how pathetic it all is. Even if you had made that comment about her friends (I must be reading that wrong as it sounds like you were being very nice) for gods sake, this level of vitriol over it is just plain crackers. It must be such a kick in the teeth that she can say such awful things, behave like some crackpot American teen about to shoot someone, and he still wants her. I'd be so hurt. Do remember though that she has been conditioning him all year, gaslighting, manipulating. He's learned to watch his every step, to preempt her tantrums. He's likely watched her parents do the same, always capitulating quickly in case she escalates. It's not a reflection on you.

A PP poster suggested your DH compare the situations and I think that's actually a good idea. Man to man - he loves her, well, your DH feels the same about you. So how he would feel if after x years marriage, several kids etc, a family member bought someone in who threatened her life, how would DS feel then?

@Alfiemoon1 That must be so distressing and worrying for you.

I am still shocked that the police won’t get off their arses about the threats of harm etc

I wonder if she has threatened him with something other than suicide if he leaves and that is why he is hysterical at the idea of them splitting. Revenge porn or maybe hurting one of the family, telling everyone he raped her (so sorry to suggest these things - I feel anxious just thinking about them).. it would explain the reaction.

I would also ask him what he would do if he could push a button and make this all go away. If he showed even the slightest indication that would be ideal I would go scorched earth. I would get DH to look after the younger kids and I would run for the hills with DS. I would get DH to instigate a restraining order to keep her away from the whole family. In fact even if he didn't want this I would be tempted to do it anyway.

@HollowTalk thankfully she is still doing her university course and we know which town she is in just not the address. But yes it’s very worrying she’s having to work more hours in her part time job as he doesn’t work or study so she’s obviously financing him. Work is the only time she is apart from him as she isn’t allowed to see friends without him so she doesn’t have many friends left now as they don’t like him and don’t want him tagging along all the time

Hi OP,

I'm no psychiatrist, but my DD has BPD and so do a number of her friends (via psych wards).

This sort of behaviour from the girl is very much like the behaviour of unmedicated BPD - I ran the details of your thread past DD (who is 18 and has been in treatment for about 5 years and is functioning well) and she said the behaviour was very like that of one of her (now ex) BPD friends who has untreated BPD.

DD was quite normal, but she suddenly went from a lovely little girl to a monster seemingly overnight. We had no idea what went wrong and I'm just telling you this because if this girl does have BPD and the parents don't know and she's unmedicated then they will have no idea how to handle her - other than to do exactly what she tells them to. Which might explain their current behaviour.

BPD affects relationships and people with BPD have a very painful fear of being abandoned.

With all of that said - there is no easy solution to this. BPD is very serious mental health disorder, and untreated it causes a lot of pain to everybody around the person - but even more so to the person themselves.

As an adult dealing with BPD I was strongly advised by my GP and DD's psychiatrist and psychologist to get my own therapist as it's so difficult to live with a person with BPD.

Whether she has BPD or not, I would suggest that you try to get your son in front of a psychologist to help him (as far as that is possible, I know not necessarily easy), as her behaviour is definitely very much outside the boundaries of normal.

If it is BPD then you really won't be able to manage this on your own, or by removing phones/blocking on social media. I can't remember the full details, but while the police weren't great as you've found, there is a mechanism, I think via an AVO, to force them into treatment if they break it.

Is there someone he trusts? Teacher, uncle, aunt, older friend? I understand this is difficult as she controls who he has contact with. It just might be a reassurance to know there is someone he can confide in. Poor boy. I just wish this over for him and you in the least messy way.

Offer him an Outward Bound trip or similar to give him time to think after his GSCEs? Tyler’s no mobile bars in these remote locations.

What an horrendous situation 😕

Keeping everything crossed that she fucks up enough soon so that yout DS finally releases how toxic she is

There is no mobile service. Also, read up on the Parker/Hummer murder to give you food for thought.

I’m sure you’ve looked up support OP but I came across these specific helplines for male victims of domestic abuse which may be helpful for your son.
www.healthdirect.gov.au/domestic-violence-against-men

Thank god he’s got a Mum like you! Good luck with it all. Hopefully it’s all over soon.

Did the police have a word with her or do anything at all? Sorry if I missed that.

Wishing you luck with this, OP.

Yes we have spoken to his mates, they are good friends and very supportive.
They are worried about him and are trying hard to see him this week, but so far DS has fobbed them off with excuses.

All the people DS has spoken to; us, his mates, his grandparents, aunties/uncles etc have all come to the same conclusion about the GF, I pointed out to DS that we can't all be wrong, we can't all be making the same mistake about her based on the information he gives.

We know he can see it, see what she's doing, he has these moments of clarity and he talks to us about the shitty things she does, but then he sees her or speaks to her again and instantly reverts back to burying his head in the sand.