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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/02/2021 16:14

I wouldn't tolerate that.

Why aren't you allowed access to your finances?

TDMN · 22/02/2021 16:14

Why are the accounts solely in his name to begin with?

dementedpixie · 22/02/2021 16:15

Why is everything in his name? Can the accounts be made joint so you can legally access them?

Merryoldgoat · 22/02/2021 16:16

Here we go again.

Thesearmsofmine · 22/02/2021 16:17

I think you need to change how the finances are arranged tbh, he could one day refuse to give you access or just spend it all.

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:17

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him forBlush

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 22/02/2021 16:18

Next time he logs you in I'd start changing passwords yourself (yes, I know that would be petty).

grapewine · 22/02/2021 16:18

No way would I stand for this. Just tell him you want access. How he reacts will tell you who he is. Then you go from there.

Why has this ever been OK with you?!

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/02/2021 16:18

If you are "in charge" of the account admin then you should have proper access. Even though you are his wife, the bank will take a dim view of him allowing you access via his login details.

Get joint access. Do you have access to the money in terms of spending or do you have to ask for that too?

TurquoiseDragon · 22/02/2021 16:19

You should be having access to the accounts without any hassle from your DH. He needs to be giving you details every time he changes anything. He has no excuse getting annoyed, he's the one who set it up like this. And he shouldn't be making you feel dread for reasonable wanting to see your family finances.

But I would be wary that this is, or is leading into, financial abuse. Been there, got the T shirt. Keep insisting on access.

PopUpName · 22/02/2021 16:19

You shouldn't be fine with having to ask permission to access your own finances, like a child.

And what savings and shares have you stumbled across that can't be in joint names?

dementedpixie · 22/02/2021 16:21

Savings accounts can be in joint names. You arent supposed to access accounts using someone else's log in details

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:21

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/02/2021 16:22

If its savings and shares then what do you need to cancel?

Asides from that, you absolutely can have joint savings accounts. I just googled and got Natwest, Halifax, Lloyd's and, Santander as the first hits.

And joint shares accounts. Googled that too.

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:23

I know you're not supposed to use other people's passwords but it is the only access I have.

The majority are shares that can only be in one person's name.

OP posts:
Guidebutton · 22/02/2021 16:23

@Itchywitchy

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him forBlush

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

What happens in the event of his death or serious illness if everything is in his name and you don't even have the passwords?

DH recently spent 2 weeks in and out of consciousness, having been a fit young ish man until then. I.e. we got no warning at all. I (and DC) would have been royally screwed if I'd had no access to any bank accounts.

Why is everything in his name and what provision have you both made for you to be able to access funds should he be seriously ill?

dementedpixie · 22/02/2021 16:23

If its joint money your name should be on the account and you'd have your own log in details. Or set up your own savings accounts and put your money I there

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 22/02/2021 16:23

You shouldn't have to ask, the vast bulk of our money is visible in joint current and savings accounts - we both have cards, passwords and so on. We do have our own current account and savings accounts but neither of us hold much money in there.

What does he think will happen if he changes those accounts to joint accounts and allows you unfettered access?

I'm afraid I would be quite concerned at the fact he thinks this is ok.

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 22/02/2021 16:23

@Itchywitchy

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

Why is joint money going into his accounts?

Set up a joint one. That's what we did. We both have separate accounts with the same bank. We can't access each other's private accounts but we can both see the joint.

Has it always been like this?

Guidebutton · 22/02/2021 16:24

Why do you need to review share accounts so frequently?

luxxlisbon · 22/02/2021 16:24

This whole thing is just really weird, why are you embarrassed to ask?

Why is joint money in accounts with only one name on it?

Why have you not put this money in a joint account before now?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/02/2021 16:24

If you are married then the money is all joint, no technically about it. Unless you've been married for 5 minutes and all the money was already saved up by him prior to that point.

dementedpixie · 22/02/2021 16:24

What do you need to do with shares on a monthly basis?

Merryoldgoat · 22/02/2021 16:25

If it’s joint money it should be in both names. There is no reason you can’t have access to the things you need.

You can’t check finances without proper access.

TheChiefJo · 22/02/2021 16:26

OP, why is there "joint money" in his accounts? That's a big red flag. Get joint accounts set up for money that belongs to you both!