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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
HeronLanyon · 22/02/2021 18:42

This thread is really worrying op. Seems firm what you written that your husband is controlling and distancing yourself from joint finances, from your own money, any ability to easily check and manage basic household finances. Moreover he has made it difficult for you to ask him and somehow you are left as the one feeling awkward.
Are you in a marriage where other things are difficult for you ? Are you able to be indépendant with friends and your own family etc ?
Really troubling. Not right at all. Good for you for posting. If you work why don’t you open your own account and start putting your wages into that ? Or open joint accounts and tell him you need easier more sensible access to joint monies and info. If either of these cause the least trouble honestly leave him.

StephenBelafonte · 22/02/2021 18:43

Your wages go into an account that you cannot access and you have no debit card for? Oh dear. Are you VERY desparate for a man?

Silenceisgolden20 · 22/02/2021 18:43

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
Oh that's not good
Anydreamwilldo12 · 22/02/2021 18:43

Oooof this is not good OP. Good you have started to realise that though. Be firm and tell him things need to change. He's controlling you through the finances.

PogoTheClown · 22/02/2021 18:44

Get your own account pronto.

LionLily · 22/02/2021 18:44

A change in circumstances, such as you starting work again, gives the perfect opportunity to rehash the entire financial relationship, get the statements and iPads out onto the kitchen table, make sure all the direct debits that need cancelling are cancelled and all that jazz, including the very important task of ensuring that you are both equals in the finances. We're also coming up to the end of a tax year which makes it a logical time.
If your dh resists this sort-out, Houston you have a problem. And I would therefore immediately get my salary paid into a new account solely in my name, and make your household contributions from that.

Carpetstretcher · 22/02/2021 18:45

You must.

Currently sorting out sibling +OH’s card debts. The OH ran up serious £50k debts. He’s now ill - unrelated.

Not a chance of repaying or bunging it on the mortgage.

Up shit creek and no paddle.

Never mind the embarrassment, you need to. To many, often women, are put off by their husband, thinking they’re God’s gift to family spending plans.

Sadly many are not as good as they think they are - or have costly habits they’d rather hide.

Eventually this comes out to bite everyone on the bum.

Keepcountingyourfingers · 22/02/2021 18:45

@Itchywitchy

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him forBlush

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

It’s not being allowed access if you have to ask every time, and feel embarrassed to do so. It sounds like he controlling you.
HyacynthBucket · 22/02/2021 18:46

Finding it a bit hard to understand why you ever got into this situation OP. Is there some cultural issue here? That he has control of everything? Or is it due to something else? The fact that you feel "embarrassed" in regard to your own money is puzzling. Ask him to share account ownership and admin. so you have the passwords, and a card, etc. When you do next get access by asking for the passwords, could you change them yourself?

StoneofDestiny · 22/02/2021 18:47

Wow - OP, get it all sorted, no excuses from him. The house and account and investments need to be in both names. Does he think it's the 18th Century?

MrsBrunch · 22/02/2021 18:48

Is he controlling OP? You're not giving us much to go on.

Longdistance · 22/02/2021 18:50

Why don't you have a debit card to the joint account? Is the account just in his name and you use his card? If that is the case he needs to add you to his account.

TillyTopper · 22/02/2021 18:50

This will be stating the obvious, but if you have joint savings they should be in joint names and you should be able to have access and also have your name on them.

Savings accounts can be in joint names.
With shares, sometime you can have joint names (but they do not work the same way as a bank account). How do you buy them? Do you use a nominee account from someone like (for example) Hargreaves Lansdown or Fidelity? Then they can easily be in both names. You can also move shares between "fund and share" accounts with just one letter, and at no cost. You can also link accounts so that you can see/manage each others investments.

To be if everything is in his name he is protecting himself and potentially doing you out of money (if push came to shove) by ensuring you cannot access anything. You shouldn't be embarrassed about asking - he should be ashamed for not ensuring you have joint accounts and full access.

YoniAndGuy · 22/02/2021 18:50

Well if they've been in his name for a few years, it can be your turn now, right?!

Take his name off and put yours on.

AhNowTed · 22/02/2021 18:51

He wants you to be embarrassed.
He wants it to be awkward and inconvenient.

The harrumphing is just to put you off asking.

Do not fall into this trap.

That money is as much yours as it is his.

If I were you I WOULD BE THE ONE tutting and harrumphing at the inconvenience.

Do NOT let this slide into a situation where you have no access and are cowed into not asking. DO NOT!

AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter · 22/02/2021 18:54

I hate to say it but you are an idiot for having all your money in his name only. What if he decided to leave you one day? people are in love until they arent and I have known couples who have been completely blindsided when one of them has left the marriage with no warning.

Why on earth would you allow this? its completely and utterly ridiculous. Its your money too- put half of it into an account with only your name on it. If you dont, you are leaving yourself wide open to all kinds of risks

grapewine · 22/02/2021 19:01

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
Why the hell not? Get one.

It's crazy how vulnerable you are. He could fuck off with everything tomorrow.

Heyahun · 22/02/2021 19:01

Oh gawd this is awful! Sort this out immediately! Take half of the joint money and put it in your own savings account / a shared savings account or your own isa or whatever! You both need stuff in your own names!

Both my husband and I have stocks and shares isas that we put money in! It’s seen as shared moment but we each have our own and with similar amounts in them!

We have a joint savings account as well and an account for bills - but both have our own separate bank accounts where our salaries go into!

We just both transfer money to the joint account for bills

You are in a very dangerous position!

Fairyflaps · 22/02/2021 19:02

Shares can be in joint names. And it makes more sense from a tax point of view to have them in joint names so you can make use of two lots of tax allowances. Only the ISAs have to be in sole names.

Our broker has given myself and my husband access (at our request) so we can both see all our shareholdings, including each other's ISAs online.

Our savings accounts were in joint names, as was the mortgage.

Your situation sounds a little bit odd with your husband refusing to put anything in your name, restricting your access and giving you wrong information.

FredtheCatsMum · 22/02/2021 19:02

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
That is frankly terrifying. You may want to discuss it with him, but I suggest you open a bank account if you don't already have one, and get your salary paid into it.

Then have a conversation about how you manage your money together.

wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 19:05

@arosedowntown

More the legacy of a DF that left the family vulnerable & years of being a Cab advisor. A marriage with assets is like a small business, legally contracted with rights & obligations. Got a DH with financial control issues, albeit benevolent, too.

Someone in the Ops situation is very vulnerable.

But yes, very much a child of Thatch! 😁

NoSquirrels · 22/02/2021 19:06

@Itchywitchy

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush
Well, that’s easily fixed. And you can get a debit card ordered too. You don’t need to use his online access if it’s a joint account - set up your own and order a card.

How have you been buying anything for the family without independent access to a card/funds?

Set a time with him to go through the budget, the accounts and everything else. Suggest you both get a set amount of your own money each to spend from your own personal accounts.

How is your pension, and his?

PurpleRainDancer · 22/02/2021 19:07

@Itchywitchy

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him forBlush

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

‘Allowed’ access, come on OP you know this isn’t right. Please get it sorted Flowers
crosspelican · 22/02/2021 19:08

You say DH, but are you actually legally married? Because if you're not, and he is hit by a car tomorrow, you will not be entitled to any of this money that he is actively withholding from you.

Who on EARTH changes their passwords every single month (apart from people gaslighting their partners)?

What joint money is in an account only in his name? You need to move it OUT of his account and into your JOINT account next time you log in. In what sense is it joint? Do you mean it's actually yours? Or was given to you as a couple?

Secondly, for the love of God, when you log into your actual joint account this evening, order yourself a debit card! Why on earth don't you have one? What kind of card do you have/use now?

Finally, open a bank account of your own. You don't have to tell him about it. But get at least 5k into it one way or another over the course of the next year. Because by the sounds of it, you're going to need an exit plan some day soon.

WhereYouLeftIt · 22/02/2021 19:08

@Itchywitchy

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

Look at what you're saying - "allowed". Oh thank you kind and benevolent master for allowing your humble servant such privilege!

And I very much doubt this 'bad habit' of his has come about accidentally. He likes making you ask. LIKES IT. I expect he likes that you feel embarrassed about it too.

I'm with others on this. Next time he makes you ask, change the passwords on the way out. And have a good long think about what else he does to reinforce your subservient status. I'd bet good money you can find a few once you focus on it.