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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
austenwildfell · 22/02/2021 17:48

With shares, only ISAs and pension, must be held in one person only accounts.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2021 17:51

Why are you embarrassed? Why does he keep changing the passwords? Does he not want you to check?

HollowTalk · 22/02/2021 17:53

Stop being embarrassed. You are in a legal partnership and one partner is not behaving as he should. That should be tackled just as though you were running a business together.

He can't possibly be so paranoid as to think that he needs to change his password so frequently to protect himself from scammers. He's doing it to stop you looking at the accounts. You need a frank talk with him.

LionLily · 22/02/2021 17:54

Do you have an equivalent amount in your sole name too?
I get what you say about accounts which can't be joint - DH and I have separate S&S ISAs with joint money, but each of us has access to the passwords for both. (Actually, don't tell the burglars but we have a little book of codes and passwords hidden away.)
I would be very uncomfortable in a situation such as yours. No, I'd find it unacceptable and insist on a total reorganisation.

HTH1 · 22/02/2021 17:55

@Itchywitchy

I know you're not supposed to use other people's passwords but it is the only access I have.

The majority are shares that can only be in one person's name.

Shares in companies can be in joint names (as can savings accounts). Now, why would DH tell you otherwise...?
Rupertbeartrousers · 22/02/2021 17:58

Just to go against the grain....

Dh and I have joint accts, regular savers etc with the same bank, plus current accts of our own. Some foible of our internet banking allows only him to see some things and other savings/Isa’s only I can see. I don’t know why it works like this and I’m sure we could change it, but neither of us are bothered... it’s all ours, it’s not one-sided, we have open communication about finances and no trust issues.

The worry I have in your situation is

  1. the password changing, unless he has ocd or something I can’t understand the obsessive password changing.
  2. your sense of “embarrassment” in having to ask.

Is there a backstory here - gambling, debt or overspending by either one of you? Are there other trust issues between you or is he showing any behaviours that make you concerned there is a reason he is protecting the financial access from you? Is he controlling in any other ways?

You should be able to communicate sufficiently to sort out a system which works for you both. If he won’t do this then that definitely is a concern regarding trust and his respect for your autonomy in the marriage.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 22/02/2021 17:59

Then the next lot you buy will be in your name until there is an equal amount in both names.

But I suspect this is not what this is about. That would not give him financial advantage and control.

LubaLuca · 22/02/2021 18:00

Shares in companies can be in joint names (as can savings accounts). Now, why would DH tell you otherwise...?

Exactly. Why are you blindly accepting this?

FudgeSundae · 22/02/2021 18:06

I handle all the finances in our marriage. I wanted to set up an ISA and put some money from joint savings in there. I think you’re alluding to the fact ISAs can only be in one name.
So did I set up an ISA just for me? No, I set up one each, with the same amount in each, because it’s joint money and I’m not a monster .Why would your DH not do the same??

Lampzade · 22/02/2021 18:20

I don’t know how people put up with this.

FortniteBoysMum · 22/02/2021 18:25

I would suggest some of those assets go in your name not all in his.

StephenBelafonte · 22/02/2021 18:28

OP A lot of posters have asked, and I'm curious too, as to why you need to check the shares accounts monthly in case your DH has forgotten to cancel something. There isn't actually anything TO cancel on a shares account.

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 18:29

@Lampzade

I don’t know how people put up with this.
Yeah, the second he suggested this set up would have been the last.

I had a boyfriend who wanted me to have my wages paid into his account if and when we moved in together. I dumped. He was controlling in other ways, they always are.

Tartyflette · 22/02/2021 18:30

I worked in stockbroking for many years. Share holdings can most certainly be held in joint, or even multiple names. It's extremely common.
If for some arcane reason an investment holding can only be in on name it would be a piece of piss to transfer half the holding into your name, OP.
Your DP just doesn't want to. Which needs to be addressed.

Tartyflette · 22/02/2021 18:30

...in ONE name....

Original poster
Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 18:37

You are right, it has crept up on me. I was a SAHM for 5 years and have only just started working again part time. Everything is in his name, including the house. I have no accounts of my own. Everything I earn goes into a joint account.

I know...I'm stupid Blush

OP posts:
KeyboardWorriers · 22/02/2021 18:38

Agree with Tartyflette - shares can most certainly be held in joint names.

Hopefully this thread has given you a bit of a reality check. Even if he doesn't have controlling intentions, the reality is there are all sorts of circumstances where it would be a huge inconvenience for only one of you to have access.

If it is joint money /shares then you need equal access and to be named on the accounts or if they can only be held in individual names then half should be transferred into your name

suspiria777 · 22/02/2021 18:38

@Itchywitchy

You are right, it has crept up on me. I was a SAHM for 5 years and have only just started working again part time. Everything is in his name, including the house. I have no accounts of my own. Everything I earn goes into a joint account.

I know...I'm stupid Blush

do his wages also go into a joint account, or?
Original poster
Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 18:39

I don't even have a debit card for the joint account Blush

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 18:39

@Tartyflette yy

If he's told you that shares can only be in your name it's bollocks.

DH & I have a investment portfolio in joint names & he can't do anything without my agreement & vice versa.

We also have other share holdings in joint names.

wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 18:39

The house?

Oh, you need to sort that...

wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 18:40

You have a housekeeping account?

Where does your money go?

TatianaBis · 22/02/2021 18:40

Even if he doesn't have controlling intentions

How likely is that?

pinkyredrose · 22/02/2021 18:41

Get your money out of his accounts and into your own.

bevelino · 22/02/2021 18:41

OP, you need to sort this issue out, you really must. Changing passwords so frequently and keeping most of your assets in his name shows that he does not trust you.

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