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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 22/02/2021 16:26

Fuck that. I do the banking in our house. No way would I allow that shit. You're being financially abused.

sunflowersandbuttercups · 22/02/2021 16:27

@Itchywitchy

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

Why is everything in his name and why on earth were you ever okay with that?

What would you do to access money if he died tomorrow?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 22/02/2021 16:28

I agree. It needs to all be in joint names, with equal access.

PopUpName · 22/02/2021 16:28

I sense that a great deal of gaslighting may be going on.

You need to change the way you bank your money. No man should be standing as gatekeeper to your funds. If only one person's name can be used, let it be yours.

NoCherryNoDeal · 22/02/2021 16:29

This is so wrong. DH and I have joint account, I never know or get notified when he's accessing it or vice versa. You're being financially abused, OP if he's against a joint account.

TimeforaGandT · 22/02/2021 16:31

Shares can be held in joint names....

Peanutbutterblood · 22/02/2021 16:31

Can you move "your" money to a separate acc in your name?

We have both our names on most accounts that we can both see in our banking apps. Do you need to be checking share accounts every month though?

This is everything people tell you not to do but I have a hidden notebook with every username and password in. My dh is hopeless with logins so he'd need something if I die. It's well hidden though

TDMN · 22/02/2021 16:31

Have you got anything in writing to say you have joint ownership over those savings/shares?
Also why is he changing passwords so often?

Imaginetoday · 22/02/2021 16:32

Unless he is not earning anything and therefore tax benefits for this...it is madness on your part to allow this. That is far bigger issue
50%of joint assets must be moved into your sole name immediately ( use ISAs as well).
You can then argue about sharing passwords

Guidebutton · 22/02/2021 16:32

There are some things that can't be in joint names, ISAs, for example, but when we do an ISA we put an equal amount in each of our names. Then we'd both know the login details if DH had any interest

Why are passwords being changed so frequently though, why do you feel embarrassed to ask for what you need to do basic admin and what monthly admin is required on these kinds of accounts?

LagunaBubbles · 22/02/2021 16:34

Why do so many women put up with crap like this?

Cocomarine · 22/02/2021 16:35

Why are you logging into so many accounts, so frequently?
That sounds ridiculous.

For the accounts that you do actually need - why have you set up your finances in such a silly way?

STOP asking for passwords all the time. Re-organise your accounts so that you see what you need to see it, when you want to see it.

If something is then left in his name only, consider why you need to see it anyway.

GrettaGreen · 22/02/2021 16:37

We don't really go in for having arguments over things in this house but I would be raising the roof about this! Ask him wtf he is playing at? Absolutely not on.

FreeButtonBee · 22/02/2021 16:38

You should be using both of your ISA allowances for tax efficiency so I would start demanding that next years money is in your name. Ditto general savings so that you don’t hit any banking protection limits. Also many accounts allow someone else to view them (open banking initiative) so see if you can link through that way.
But her really needs to stop fucking about with the account passwords.

Backtoschool101 · 22/02/2021 16:38

Log in and add your phone number if you must do it this way so the code comes to you? But why don't you have a joint account. There's no reason you can't....

LannieDuck · 22/02/2021 16:39

I understand why some things can only be in one name (half of those things should be in your name), but why does he keep changing the passwords?

Backtoschool101 · 22/02/2021 16:39

And you can add the account via app on your phone and sync it to your fingerprint in your phone. So you don't need codes all the time

AdventureCode · 22/02/2021 16:40

It seems like he changes the passwords so frequently, to keep you asking him for access. Ask yourself, why is he making it difficult for you?
Do you have free access to spend the money like he does?
Do you work, where does your money go?

If you're feeling embarrassed it's because your DH is willingly arranging your finances in a way that is making you feel shame in asking. He's not nice is he?

RandomLondoner · 22/02/2021 16:40

If you are married then the money is all joint

No it isn't. In England, being married makes no difference to who owns money. Whether you are married or single, money held in an account in one person's name almost invariably belongs only to that person.

(I wrote "almost" because technically you can hold money in trust for someone else. I guess the OP is saying her husband is trustee of joint money. I agree that a joint account would be a better solution.)

MrsBrunch · 22/02/2021 16:40

If it's in his name only then it's not joint. If it is joint just take your half out and put it somewhere only you can access.

krankykittykat · 22/02/2021 16:43

My bank frequently texts a one time pass code when logging into online banking rather than mobile.
Is this what you are referring to because there's not much can be done if it is

Crackerofdoom · 22/02/2021 16:44

We use Lastpass for anything we need to share but which is in a single name. You can share passwords and they automatically update if one of you changes them.

Mind you, this is more for things like iTunes and not financial stuff. We have savings in our own names for tax purposes but we both have access on the account.

Your situation sounds bonkers at best and abusive at worst

JLQ1020 · 22/02/2021 16:45

I'm work in a bank and I would strongly strongly recommend you get joint savings and bank account. If you have joint finances in a single name then you have no access or these funds.

From a practical point of view if your OH falls ill and you can access these funds this will cause huge issues. As is partner (married or otherwise) you hav eno legal entitlement to view these accounts, withdraw from the accounts or anything. (unless of course u have a power of attorney already in place)

Of course if the relationship broke down you would be entitled to nothing in it.

Please review finances with a financial advisor or bank staff member.

DoverSoul · 22/02/2021 16:46

He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

No, you're not being unreasonable. Is he controlling in other aspects of your relationship?

The majority are shares that can only be in one person's name.

Did he tell you that?

Crankley · 22/02/2021 16:51

I'm shocked by posts every day on here describing other people's lives. OP, when you first married/lived together, did you not sit down and agree on financial arrangements? Are you a SAHM? It seems so many men who might have been reasonable about money before children, suddenly decide to keep all their salary and give their partners/wives barely enough for food.

LagunaBubbles 100% agree

I wouldn't tolerate this. Why do you? Stop feeling embarrassed - tell your 'D'H that that you want a joint account and some joint savings or in your own name and he has to stop fucking about with changing passwords.

Good luck.