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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
ShellieEllie · 22/02/2021 17:30

You really need to address this. If the savings are in his name only and he has an accident and/or becomes ill enough to need care then they will be considered his funds and his only - you could find yourself losing all 'your' savings.

ridingonaroomba · 22/02/2021 17:32

All of this is really weird. Why are you checking all your accounts monthly anyway?

JLQ1020 · 22/02/2021 17:32

This isn't true actually. Depending on the amount the bank will let the next of kin have access for certain things

ridingonaroomba · 22/02/2021 17:32

current account I can understand but the rest?

BlueThistles · 22/02/2021 17:32

He's taking the absolute PISS.. He's continually changing the Passwords to stop you accessing them.. you asking for them is when he gets Pissed Off.. he immediately changes them again... He's telling you to stop looking at HIS accounts without saying that...

Controlling Prick 🌺

Dacquoise · 22/02/2021 17:32

@Crankley, from my own experience these situations can creep up on you. Before children, both working full time and contributing equally, doesn't seem a problem. Once children come along and carer, usually the mother, stays home to look after the children or goes part time, her income drops or disappears and then the other partner's selfishness reveals itself. He doesn't see children as his responsibility to share care of and puts no value on the care wife provides. He resents having to 'share' his income. He probably didn't view marriage as partnership in the beginning.

There was no discussing anything with my exH. He would clam up and carry on regardless. It was his way of running the show until I got out and put a stop to it.

Holothane · 22/02/2021 17:32

We have a joint account but dh is not good at finances so I do it but any big purchases plans are discussed.

Seasidemumma77 · 22/02/2021 17:33

Sounds like financial abuse.

BaggoMcoys · 22/02/2021 17:33

Yanbu to be annoyed. You need to talk to him about changing everything to joint names/access. If he refuses or creates an issue out of it, then you have a problem.

My ex was like that. Kept me out of everything and made me feel like a child. He was generally controlling in every way though. It was an awful way to live.

PolarnOPirate · 22/02/2021 17:34

You shouldn’t have to ask him for access but if he insists he should at least bloody let you have his phone while you’re doing it, if he’s going to be a moody arse about giving you the authentication codes.

Silenceisgolden20 · 22/02/2021 17:34

@Itchywitchy

He's always allowed me access but now has a bad habit of changing passwords all the time and I can't keep up.

They are technically his accounts but they have joint money in and I want to be able to see it.

I feel embarrassed about it all.

They're not joint then
AnOnly · 22/02/2021 17:35

As well as all the problems and the pitfall previous posters have put about the accounts all being in his name only, if you don't want to change account details, then get Lastpass that you can both log into. Everytime he changes the password to something Lastpass will ask if the "vault" should be updated and if he says yes you will be able to access it via Lastpass. Unless he is changing the password each time so you have to ask him for it on purpose?

Chloemol · 22/02/2021 17:36

I would be advising him he either gives you the password as soon as he changes it, or you want to remove your joint money into joint accounts you both have access to

IloveFebruary · 22/02/2021 17:36

Get him to log in and send you a screenshot on a certain date every month.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/02/2021 17:36

Message he is happy because that is what we discussed. If he chose to make changes we would. But after 35+ years I don't think we will, it suits us.

He sees everything, whether he wants to or not.

But I can see how it looks very much like "he earns it, I get to spend/save it".

Bibidy · 22/02/2021 17:37

If you're the one who manages all this you should just change the passwords and keep them yourself? Or get him to download a password keeper app so he doesn't need to keep changing them.

Velvian · 22/02/2021 17:37

You need half of any joint funds to be in your name or for all joint funds to be in both names.

I had a legacy from my nan, which I transferred into our joint current account in the first instance from my sole account. The bank phone DH to advise him to move it into a savings account and he moved it into his savings account. I was furious.

DH did not have any sinister intentions, it was the only savings account he had access to at that moment. It did take several weeks of me asking him to transfer what we need before I finally blew a gasket. He didn't see a problem.

HesSpartacus · 22/02/2021 17:39

Stop being embarrassed and get angry. That's how you should be feeling if he isn't allowing you full access to your money. At the moment, in the eyes of the law, it isn't your money. None of it.

That means that tomorrow, if he so chose he could clean out your accounts, run off with a colleague and leave you destitute. At the moment, when you put money into those accounts you are basically giving it away.

OP, you need to sort this out.

Ticklyrain · 22/02/2021 17:41

OP, you say you have money in bank accounts that are technically his.

They aren’t technically his, they ARE his. The bank won’t give you access, he could clean them out tomorrow and there would be nothing you could do about it.

That might be something you would be comfortable with but personally I wouldn’t be. Especially as he’s controlling your access and blaming it on you.

I’d want them back in joint access unless there is a very good reason

Guidebutton · 22/02/2021 17:41

@ShellieEllie

You really need to address this. If the savings are in his name only and he has an accident and/or becomes ill enough to need care then they will be considered his funds and his only - you could find yourself losing all 'your' savings.
This is an excellent point and something I have seen happen IRL.
Crackerofdoom · 22/02/2021 17:42

I would be interested to know when he changes these passwords.

What's the betting it is 5 minutes after OP has logged in and checked them?

rawalpindithelabrador · 22/02/2021 17:44

Fuck that, just fuck that. Open your own account, put your money in there.

Silenceisgolden20 · 22/02/2021 17:45

Why are you not mad about this?

morninglive · 22/02/2021 17:47

Remove the ‘joint’ part of the money that’s yours, and put it separately in your name

LubaLuca · 22/02/2021 17:47

This arrangement isn't acceptable to either of you, so why the hell are you carrying on with it?

You want joint control and are happy to keep up to date with the admin of them, so what's stopping him from going along with that? He sounds like a terrible financial partner anyway - it's either joint funds or it isn't, and if it isn't you need to pull your money out and look after it.

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