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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be too embarrassed and sick of asking DH for account access?

378 replies

Itchywitchy · 22/02/2021 16:13

DH has lots of our finances in accounts in his name. Each month for admin purposes I like to go through everything and check everything's ticking along ok (it is important as I usually find something that DH has forgotten to cancel, etc). Every month I am filled with dread at having to ask for numerous passwords (yet again) because DH has changed them or even once I have the password, i then need to ask him again for a one time password that is sent to his phone Blush He gets annoyed with me and I find it so embarrassing that I have to ask him for access all the time. AIBU?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 22/02/2021 16:55

Obviously the general principle is that if it's joint money, then it's in joint names.

There are instances of savings accounts or shares accounts where it is in one person's name and not the other person's - both DH and I make sure we have equal savings in both our names, so if our joint savings were £20K, say, we'd have £10K in my name and £10K in his name.

Why do you need to access these savings & share accounts so frequently? And why can't you just do that once a month together one evening if it's just record-keeping?

For joint accounts and credit cards that have more transactions frequently, then yes you need to keep more on top of them. But just use a joint account for that...

Either there's something fishy going on - in which case you can find out by asking him to sit down and put everything needed in joint names - or you just don't need to be checking so often.

NoSquirrels · 22/02/2021 16:57

@Cocomarine

Why are you logging into so many accounts, so frequently? That sounds ridiculous.

For the accounts that you do actually need - why have you set up your finances in such a silly way?

STOP asking for passwords all the time. Re-organise your accounts so that you see what you need to see it, when you want to see it.

If something is then left in his name only, consider why you need to see it anyway.

This is said in a more succinct way than my post!
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 17:03

Ask for your share back so you can do as you please with it.

m0therofdragons · 22/02/2021 17:03

I get this from both sides. An ISA can’t be joint so dh and I both have one each but it’s “joint” money. Dh knows to codes to access and if never change it without mentioning it. You need a set place to share codes so when it’s changed it’s updated. If he refuses to update then you get the money and transfer it to a joint account or one in your name.

hannayeah · 22/02/2021 17:06

What exactly embarrasses you?

skeenskeenjellybean · 22/02/2021 17:06

@LagunaBubbles

Why do so many women put up with crap like this?
Because so many men are controlling pieces of shit?
MrsClatterbuck · 22/02/2021 17:07

@JLQ1020

I'm work in a bank and I would strongly strongly recommend you get joint savings and bank account. If you have joint finances in a single name then you have no access or these funds.

From a practical point of view if your OH falls ill and you can access these funds this will cause huge issues. As is partner (married or otherwise) you hav eno legal entitlement to view these accounts, withdraw from the accounts or anything. (unless of course u have a power of attorney already in place)

Of course if the relationship broke down you would be entitled to nothing in it.

Please review finances with a financial advisor or bank staff member.

The other thing is if he in worst case scenario died these accounts in his sole name would be frozen and you would be denied access even if they contained monies belonging to you. They would automatically form part of his estate. Also even if you had power of attorney or a mandate to operate the account these also would cease on death. Changing passwords every single month is a bit OTT if it's for security reasons.
wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 17:07

We have lots of accounts and things that need to be single-name, so I get this. They are adding double-layer security, so that's just the way it is with the codes. It's not personal.

However, I would be having some of the accounts in your name...

Loopyloututu · 22/02/2021 17:08

He sounds like a control freak! By changing the passwords regularly you are essentially having to ask his permission each time you look. Is it his way of keeping you in your place maybe? Or does he have OCD?

wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 17:08

Get over being embarrassed too, it's joint money, run your marriage like a business.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/02/2021 17:09

Whatever else you do this year you need to have a long, calm, detailed chat about your finances.

In the long term you are losing out by not having anything in your name, tax allowances etc etc.

In the short term he isn't treating you as an equal. You can only have access if he allows you to, which he does only so you can clear up the messes he has made.

I run out finances and DH doesn't have every day access to his accounts, I have 3rd party mandate on his accounts, he doesn't have that for mine.

But that's because of how he works and if he wanted to he could take charge and remove me.

I make sure we make best use of savings accounts by setting them up between us, joint and/or individual, whichever is best. And DH knows about them.

You need a similar set up, one that suits you both.

wobblewombat · 22/02/2021 17:09

I change passwords all the time, I can never remember them!

PanamaPattie · 22/02/2021 17:10

Sort it out OP. Be a grown up.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 22/02/2021 17:11

Sorry OP but I think you're being naive.

All shared financial assets need to be in BOTH of your names.

We have savings and we split them into our own bonds. So we have 50/50. I would not tolerate only my partner having access and ownership of our finances. That's extremely dangerous.

You need to sort this asap. You feel frustrated because it's not right. You're a grown adult who may at one point need half of those savings and currently you may be entitled to zero. Squadly. Nada.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 22/02/2021 17:13

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Whatever else you do this year you need to have a long, calm, detailed chat about your finances.

In the long term you are losing out by not having anything in your name, tax allowances etc etc.

In the short term he isn't treating you as an equal. You can only have access if he allows you to, which he does only so you can clear up the messes he has made.

I run out finances and DH doesn't have every day access to his accounts, I have 3rd party mandate on his accounts, he doesn't have that for mine.

But that's because of how he works and if he wanted to he could take charge and remove me.

I make sure we make best use of savings accounts by setting them up between us, joint and/or individual, whichever is best. And DH knows about them.

You need a similar set up, one that suits you both.

I wouldn't be happy with your set up either. Its not right that you can put the savings in only your name without him knowing/agreeing. He's vulnerable.
MrKlaw · 22/02/2021 17:15

2FA is important so if thats the only option, I'd just live with the inconvenience. However if its possible to use an app to generate codes, you could see if you can both install the app (I use Authy which lets you back up codes online if you change phones etc)

diagold4u · 22/02/2021 17:23

I don't understand why he gets annoyed when you ask? Doesn't he want you accessing it? Why not say I wouldn't need to bother you with this if we had it in a joint account. You say it's shares, why would you need to check shares that often and cancel what? It's concerning that he changes the password without notifying you.

ARoseDowntown · 22/02/2021 17:23

@wobblewombat

Get over being embarrassed too, it's joint money, run your marriage like a business.
The living legacy of Margaret Thatcher: run your marriage like a business.
Lorieandrews · 22/02/2021 17:23

@Itchywitchy

That's the thing, I am allowed access but I have to ask everytime I want to have a look,plus even if I know the password, his phone alerts him for a one time code that I need to ask him forBlush

Things like savings and shares which couldn't be held in joint names, etc.

I'm fine with him having them but I just want to be able to access them properly.

Our savings account is joint names?!?
Chewbecca · 22/02/2021 17:24
  • he should not be sharing his passwords with you for his sole account
  • switch current and savings accounts into a joint account which you can both access
  • just check on your ISAs periodically.
grapewine · 22/02/2021 17:25

He allows you access?

If it's joint money, it should be in a joint account. Don't let him treat you like a mug.

Lorieandrews · 22/02/2021 17:27

Plus

If he got sick with Covid. For example

Then ended up in hospital unconscious!

You’re going to be in trouble for sure

shouldistop · 22/02/2021 17:27

I would not have joint money in a single account. Not good.

Soontobe60 · 22/02/2021 17:29

We have some joint accounts and some individual. Isas are individual but we split our money equally between them. Our main account is joint and we both have access. We can get into them on our phones, which rely on face recognition. None of our accounts need pass codes sending to a phone.

oil0W0lio · 22/02/2021 17:30

he changes passwords b/c he wants you to feel as if you dont have a right of access to the money, he feels the money is his and that's why his impulse is always to position himself as gatekeeper and make you jump through hoops.
The reason you feel uncomfortable is because that is the GOAL of his strategy, he is training you (like a pet) to obey him