Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

[meganwildrose]

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

Definitely a red flag. I would end it. For me it would be No going back after a comment like that!

I could possibly forgive but I would certainly never be able to forget it.

For me personally I think it would be the end of the relationship.

Yeah odd thing to come out with, he clearly thinks he's doing you a favour by going out with you because you're a single mother

When people tell you who they are, believe them.

He thinks he’s doing you a favour by “legitimising” your daughter and making you seem respectable by having a man.

You don’t need this.

I agree OP, I don't think you can come from that. What a nasty piece of work he is. Clearly that thought was just simmering under the surface.

*come back

Yep. Horrible. The Term 'Baby Daddy' sends a shiver through me. It is also very insulting to both you and your child. Use your gut though. Perhaps talk on the phone and see what he has to say.

You are right in how you feel - it's obviously something he actually thinks or he wouldn't say it. I don't have comments like that just locked up in me waiting to come out because I don't think it!

The use of chatting shit and baby daddy would be enough for me. What was the argument about?

He sounds awful. Find someone who respects you.

He meant it, knows it shit and is trying to cover he tracks.
Know your boundaries and be consistent. I might give a second chance, 3rd or 4th. Nope.

I think this entirely depends on the context of the argument, surely? I wouldn't take huge offense to that comment specifically, it just sounds like something said in the heat of the moment. Whether or not that is forgivable depends on who was to blame, if anyone, for the argument beforehand, and what it entailed.

No don't forgive him. There's an old Mumsnet saying: When he shows you who he really is -- believe him.

I'd find it very hard to tolerate a man telling me to fuck off and calling me a joke, regardless of the follow up comments.

He back pedalled because he realised he went too far too fast. But this is how he will treat you in the future, and he's been clear how he sees you. Getting out now is a smart move.

I think there are a number of issues here. This is a man who cannot argue with decency and respect. I have never been told to fuck off in all my years with my partner when we have argued or my late husband. That is not an acceptable way to communicate with me. I know some people have lower standards but I don't think that's a good thing.

Secondly, telling you that you are chatting shit because he disagrees with you. He sounds like a very immature man.

Finally the way he referred to you as a single parent I could not forget.

Well he said it in anger and is sorry. It's up to you. Do you think you should end it? Only you know if this is out of character or that he's generally a bit of a bastard.

That is horrid, and it would put the relationship back quite a few steps if it still continued. However I do hate been told when an argument is over. It just makes more angry.

Respect (and caring) is way more important than love, IMO.
Don't have a child with this man.

Unless you want to be verbally abused and insulted then I would indeed fuck off as he told you to. Permanently.

Why must every minor fall out be documented on MN these days? Especially when this is an overwhelmingly female site it's obvious you are only going to get LTB advise? Obviously we don't know every word of the build up to the argument and yes when people argue they tend to say hurtful things. Doesn't always mean that they mean them 🤷‍♀️ .

For what it's worth I don't think he was being deliberately derogatory about single mothers - perhaps that's your own insecurity coming through? Plenty of women refer to their children's fathers as "baby daddy's" and they are still in a relationship with them

He apologised and has tried to reach out to you more than once - let it go

He sounds repulsive. Draw a line under this relationship and raise your bar. You and your daughter deserve better than this creep.

Fuck him off! He talks like a 12 year old!

Ew he sounds like a teenager..you're a joke?? Who even says that? And baby daddy...pfft. I'd be raising the bar a bit higher If I were you!

Out of character or in line with other things he's said about women? Does he often resort to insults when you argue? If this is a pattern, run.

I'd let him stew for the moment while you figure out whether you want to continue seeing him. Take however much time you need. If this was a one-off and you decide you do, it's good that he apologised immediately but I think he needs to show you he understands exactly why this was such a noxious insult to level at a woman and a mother in your position.