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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

291 replies

meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 16:16

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

OP posts:
user1471538283 · 18/01/2021 17:59

I would end it. He said that to see if you would accept it.

Labobo · 18/01/2021 18:00

He sounds revolting. I think you are better off without misogynists in your life, and so is your daughter.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 18:00

Reading back on the conversation, he didn't apologise straight away. I told him it was a disgusting way to talk to a woman and I was happy that DD wouldn't have his influence. He then sent back a laughing emoji.

It was later down the conversation when I pointed it out again that he apologised.

I don't talk to him like that, I don't talk to anyone like that. I am the type to try and diffuse a situation or walk away and calm down. I hate aggression of any kind as my own father was very aggressive, shouty, swore a lot.

I don't want to say the specifics of the conversation as it would be outing, but it is nothing that would warrant a reaction like that. I think he was so angry because I wouldn't engage in the conversation any further when I could see it was getting heated.

OP posts:
yvanka · 18/01/2021 18:01

Sounds like he's telling you how he really feels. You and your daughter deserve much better than that.

BeforeThisThenWhat · 18/01/2021 18:01

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message

I think you should split up. It’s not ok to bring someone like that into your daughters life. I can’t understand why you would think it’s ok to stay with him. Do you think he might change?

riceuten · 18/01/2021 18:02

he clearly thinks he's doing you a favour by going out with you because you're a single mother

This, in spades.

Avoid

Notanorthadontist · 18/01/2021 18:03

I’m sorry he was so horrible to you. Doesn’t sound like a positive influence to have around your daughter.

FuriousWithTheNHS · 18/01/2021 18:06

I don't know what the circumstances of your previous relationship with your child's father was, but clearly he thinks you make poor choices involving substandard men. If that might be true of the past then don't repeat history with him.

Have you discussed getting PG with him? Sounds like he thinks that's your aim.

BertramLacey · 18/01/2021 18:10

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message.

Not with his actions YET. It sounds as if he's escalating. I absolutely will not tolerate a partner telling me to shut up. In the heat of an argument the only people I have told to fuck off are people I don't like very much. I couldn't say it to my partner, even in anger. I love him too much and it would hurt me to say it to him.

The more you say OP the more he just sounds like a disrespectful arse.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 18/01/2021 18:14

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message

People will try to tell you this is OK, normal, etc - especially people who are in a relationship where this happens.

But it’s not OK, and it’s certainly perfectly reasonable to find it unacceptable, and a deal-breaker. Nobody should be pushing you to accept this. I find the poster upthread rather aggressively telling you not to post on MN about it, and to just bloody well get over it, totally out of line.

This man isn’t your child’s father, so there’s no complication here. He’s not good enough for you, or your DD - simple as that.

DH has never told me to ‘fuck off’ or ‘shut up’ ever. I haven’t told him to, either.

We have disagreements, or course we do, but we never sling insults at each other out of anger.

I thought this was normal in a healthy, mutually respectful, loving relationship.

Eckhart · 18/01/2021 18:14

my own father was very aggressive, shouty, swore a lot

That's why you've put up with this guy so far. You hate it, but it's familiar.

He's already gone too far lots of times but your boundaries are misplaced because of your experience with your father. Don't let your children's boundaries get similarly tainted. Teach them that if someone tells you to fuck off or shut up, you cut them out of your life. Otherwise they'll be feeling they should put up with fuck off and shut up, because that's what mum did.

MumUndone · 18/01/2021 18:14

He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Nochristmasbreak · 18/01/2021 18:16

Awful, rude comment.

If you are sure you were not sending things similar to that before his comment, then it's unjustified and be well rid of him.

MaskingForIt · 18/01/2021 18:19

It's like he's pushing and pushing, gradually getting a little nastier. He's been nasty by text, verbally nasty and now he's gone a step further with his insults. He is not a nice person. Do not stick around to see him push even further into violence.

This. He’s testing your boundaries. You sound sensible in that you tried to leave a potential argument, and he responded by getting nasty.

VettiyaIruken · 18/01/2021 18:19

Yeah, he'd be dumped. His contempt slipped out. Whoops.

MizMoonshine · 18/01/2021 18:20

Fuck and I cannot stress this enough him.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 18:21

I've never spoken to him like this before. The most I've ever said would be 'why are you behaving like this?' 'you're acting really childish'. Those type of comments, never calling him names, personal insults etc.

OP posts:
Wonkydonkey44 · 18/01/2021 18:22

If the relationship was good then I would forgive but I wouldn’t forget. However if I already had a niggling doubt in my mind then this would be the final straw for me and it would be over.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 18/01/2021 18:22

I hope this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, and you’re ending it.

Again - he’s not good enough for you, and your DD.

Santaiscovidfree · 18/01/2021 18:23

In over 8 years my dh has never raised his voice or sworn at me.
To do so would be abusive. Been there. Done that.
You deserve more op. Don't feel you need to be grateful he is with you..
Having dc won't stop you finding a decent man. Raise your bar.
Dump him tonight.

TheOneLeggedJockey · 18/01/2021 18:24

@Wonkydonkey44

If the relationship was good then I would forgive but I wouldn’t forget. However if I already had a niggling doubt in my mind then this would be the final straw for me and it would be over.
But no relationship is ‘good’ if one person is regularly telling the other to ‘fuck off’ and ‘shut up’.

So - given the OP is not in a good relationship, it’s time to put the final nail in the coffin.

SpudsandGravy · 18/01/2021 18:24

Get rid immediately.

CaveMum · 18/01/2021 18:25

This isn’t words said in the heat of the moment. He thought this, typed it out and chose to send it to you.

Dump him now.

SnickersnotMArs · 18/01/2021 18:25

Hmmm I don’t know if I could forgive him.

The fact is OP he feels this way deep down it’s crossed his mind before I think of a frank conversation is had then yes maybe we could move on. It would be the last chance though.

I have to ask OP “baby daddy?” is a term used in certain cultures it’s not very nice is it.

zolazarola · 18/01/2021 18:26

Get rid