Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

[meganwildrose]

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

You don’t want to have him move in and subject your daughter to this.

You and your daughter both deserve better.

He is not your problem to fix.

He’s a sub-standard specimen - you, and your DD, both deserve so much better.

As someone with rock solid boundaries, and no wavering over such things at all - I can again confirm his behaviour isn’t compatible with a healthy, secure, loving, mutually respectful relationship.

Bin him. Onwards and upwards.

Plus he thinks you’re low class and loose
imo he know's he's the low class one he just wants to try and drag her down to a lower level/gaslight her into feeling worthless so he can at least feel superior to her

Hes somebody who cant even hold back when it comes to typing, so how do you think he could possibly act in a split second in person if he lost his temper again?

@isitsummertimeyet

stuff gets said in the heat of an argument, but if you ran from relationships whenever this happened then everyone would be single forever.

people argue, hell me and the wife argue but still love each other, doesnt mean he has some sublime hatred for single mums.

hes appoligized and messaged twice after, either cut him loose or accept the appoligy, Ive seen many of the women on here saying LTB to every single post they type, men hating types, they will end up dying lonely with there cats.

‘Men-hating types’.

What a revealing comment.

You clearly think all men are shit, and all women should just put up with whatever sun-standard specimen happens to show an interest in them.

Funnily enough - I don’t think all men are shit.

I’m married to a good man. My father was a good man - my FIL, my DB, his partner, my BILs, my friends’ husbands, and my husband’s friends. All good men.

Because of this - when I come onto MN and see women on the receiving end of shitty, disrespectful, unacceptable behaviour - I will encourage her to consider her own standards, and whether she doesn’t also deserve one of the many good men out there, instead.

Why shouldn’t the OP leave this bastard?

She’s not married to him. He’s not the father of her child. Hell, they don’t even live together.

Yes, she should leave him, because being single with cats would be infinitely preferable than putting up with his childish nonsense. And you never know, she then might go on to meet one of the (many) decentones, instead.

You’re the ‘man-hater’ - a shame you think so much less of your own sex than many of us.

Call him a bomberclaad, if he doesnt get there first.

@user1471565182

This made me laugh, thank you. I needed it

"Men hating type" here👋👋👋👋and happy to wear that hat if it means that my daughters avoid the scum that I keep reading about on MN.

There are loads of decent men in the world, I went out with several and married one, but twats like the OP's nasty boyfriend need to be dumped like the rubbish they are.

A couple of things jump out at me here that remind me of my ex relationship.
However the main one is the extreme rections to minor arguments, this was my ex exactly. Massive reactions shouting, swearing at me, moods, sulks, me having to placate him and calm him and cajole him into speaking to me. The being told to fuck off and how I wouldn't find anyone better etc etc.

The thing is this is all a form of control, and it took me forever to see it. I ended up isolated from everyone, not doing things even if I wanted to. It was "all my choice" at least that's what I told myself. But it wasn't. I chose not to go somewhere or do something because I knew what the reaction was going to be,.and it was easier to keep the peace.
They know what they are doing, it's an emotional manipulation all designed to make sure they get their own way. And unfortunately it will come out more when they feel they are losing control. And it will escalate. It will go from words to psychical the longer it goes on and the more control they feel they have or are losing.
Be strong listen to your gut, and walk while you have the opportunity.

isitsummer do you tend to refer to anybody from 10-30 as 'millennials' and find people (especially 'the wife') often getting a glazed look and making excuses to get TF out of your presence when you do so? do you like to imagine you're Mark Francois going down to the council offices flashing some ww2 campaign medals you bought off ebay and demanding you have your bin emptied at a 2 to 1 rate of the foreigns? you really remind me of somebody.

this would be the end of it for me , hes got real contempt for you to have come out with that , there would be no forgetting and no forgiving it for me , we all say stuff when are angry , but im sorry thats just downright beyound the pale , if he contacted me again hed be getting told to fuck off and never come back im aftaid , you can do better than this op

I'd be ending it.

I know they say the truth comes out when you're drunk, and I think the same can be said for when you're angry. You say what you really think which you wouldn't usually.

As far as he's concerned he's doing you a favour. I couldn't be with someone who felt that way.

@meganwildrose
If the original post incident was completely out of the blue and isolated it would be one thing, but what you've actually shared is a pattern of bad behaviour.

Only you know your boundaries and what you will and won't put up with. Being in a relationship with someone like that, you are being primed to believe what he's doing is 'normal'. He's normalised it. But clearly you aren't ok with the way he speaks to you. If you've told him you don't like and it and he continues to do it, you can predict he will keep doing it. Consider whether you're willing to live with that forever.

I've been with abusive men before. The thought that made me get up and leave both was 'how would I feel if somebody was treating my daughter this way?'. If you witnessed this behaviour towards someone you cared about, what would you advise them to do?

My partner has never spoken to me like that in 14 years.

We all have arguments and say things we don't mean but there's a line and getting personal is uncalled for. And unfortunately once it's been said you can't take it back.

I'd cut my losses.

@meganwildrose
I'd just like to add, I don't believe in writing someone off as abusive or bad. If he is willing to put in the effort to understand and alter his behaviour, he may be able to change. There is a strong focus on perpetrator rehabilitation in the sector at the moment and if he's willing to change maybe you would like to give him another chance. However, if he sees no problem with his behaviour, he will never change. And I don't think you should have to get used to it either as it clearly makes you unhappy. Think about what is best for you and your child.

There is a strong focus on perpetrator rehabilitation in the sector that is in professional setting though. Op isn’t equipped nor does she have to, rehabilitate anyone. She has a daughter to think of. The rest of your post I agreed with though and think was very well put