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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

291 replies

meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 16:16

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/01/2021 13:23

OP,

Normal boundaries are....if someone told me to fxxk off...they would only do it once.

Normal decent people do not speak to each other like this.

He is abusive and has been throughout your relationship.

Bin him. Finally.

What a shocking example for your daughter to be around.
Flowers

Sandals19 · 19/01/2021 13:27

I'd call him abusive

Doesn't matter that it's not physical.

You don't live together by the sounds of it, he's not your child's dad (in fact he seems to think he's doing you a favour by being in your life as a single mum), what does be bring other than "having someone", company and being nice to your DC.... All offset by his verbal abuse

I'd think you could get that with another bloke, without the verbal abuse. You've only got one child (?) and work, and sound independent financially. There's plenty of women with a lot more on their plate that a guy would have to work with or have demands put upon him due to).

(Oh and it's unreasonable to say he's busier/has more work than you cause he works ft and you work pt. You have a child, he doesn't presumably).

Original poster
meganwildrose · 19/01/2021 13:28

I have two cats already so I guess that solidifies my status as a lonely cat spinster.

Thank you for all your comments, I am beginning to realise that this isn't normal or par for the course in a healthy relationship.

The thought of my daughter accepting being spoken to and treated the way I have is what is motivating me to get rid of him for good.

OP posts:
bloodyhairy · 19/01/2021 13:32

We don't know the background, and have only your version of events.
What was said in the lead-up, OP?
Yup, his comments were appalling, but context is everything.

MakeWorkYourNewFavourite · 19/01/2021 13:38

Awful. I'm a single mum. I have a boyfriend. I never ask him for anything. I pay for myself and DD when we go out, I drive everywhere, I don't ask to borrow money, I don't make plans with him (buying property, moving in etc.) because I'm so scared of losing control. I wish I could find someone to really share my life with, but it's too big a risk. My advice would be to allow yourself some breathing space and to not trust anyone too quickly. Only you can look after you and your child.

HannaYeah · 19/01/2021 13:39

Is this is his default behavior whenever something upsets him?

Does he ever just get a little irritated? Or does every argument no matter big or small seem to result in the same type of behavior from him?

Original poster
meganwildrose · 19/01/2021 13:41

@bloodyhairy

I guess I have outed myself enough in this conversation for him to work out that it's about him anyway, should he come across this thread.

He wanted me to go and pick him up to come and live at mine for the rest of the lockdown. I said no as my DD hasn't seen him since Christmas, and hasn't been to his house for over a year and I didn't want to confuse her. That the right thing to do is for him to drive here with his things, we can all have a conversation about it and that's what is fairest for DD. He has also cancelled on plans and been unreliable in the past, so I said this was another reason that I wasn't going to be driving there with DD.

Then he started saying I never come to his. That is not true, I've suggested we spend time with his family, friends, stay at his place hundreds of times. He has just never taken me up on the offer or has cancelled at the last minute.

That's when he told me I was 'chatting shit'... I said 'Okay, well with that I’m ending this conversation here.' and he then proceeded with the comments in my first post.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/01/2021 13:45

Well done OP.

Being told fxxk off regularly in a relationship is no relationship.

There is no excuse for it . Ever.

Think of yourself in 20 years time and how you would feel if you saw your daughter being spoken to like this, knowing she grew up with it at home?
How would you feel?
Responsible?
Devastated for her?
Ashamed?

Think about how you would feel.
Let it sit with you....

Let it give you strength and resolve.

You both deserve better.
Flowers

Yohoheaveho · 19/01/2021 13:46

the reason he tells you that you are 'chatting shit' is because you won't go along with what he wants and what he wants his to have everything on his terms and for his benefit
He doesn't have the intellectual ability to construct an argument and set at his case in a rational way and anyway such an argument would fail because he is is not being fair, he doesn't want to be fair he just wants to be obeyed.
his modus operandi is just to insult you to cause pain and confusion so that he can try and get in control

Original poster
meganwildrose · 19/01/2021 13:49

@HannaYeah

He doesn't always swear, but he does have what I would describe as extreme reactions. In the sense of he will storm off, drive back to his place... or ignore me, refuse to talk about it, create an atmosphere, not get over it for hours, tell me he needs 'head space' and to be left alone. This can be over very minor things, such as him leaving dirty clothes lying around.

OP posts:
Greenknees · 19/01/2021 13:53

It seems like all that is stopping you ending the relationship is that you don’t want to be on your own?

Try to think of ending the relationship as one step closer to meeting someone fantastic who will never ever speak to you the way he has done. I remember a friend of mine ending an abusive relationship that she had given waaaay to many chances to because she didn’t want to be alone by saying ‘well at least if the next guy I meet is an idiot at least he will be a fresh idiot’ (she is now married to someone lovely!)

HannaYeah · 19/01/2021 13:54

Also, ditch your concerns about what is normal. If you don’t want to be with someone that behaves this way, then you don’t need to keep him around regardless of who says it’s normal. (And it’s not anyway)

HannaYeah · 19/01/2021 13:55

[quote meganwildrose]@HannaYeah

He doesn't always swear, but he does have what I would describe as extreme reactions. In the sense of he will storm off, drive back to his place... or ignore me, refuse to talk about it, create an atmosphere, not get over it for hours, tell me he needs 'head space' and to be left alone. This can be over very minor things, such as him leaving dirty clothes lying around.[/quote]
Bad childhood?

Original poster
meganwildrose · 19/01/2021 13:58

@HannaYeah

Not a bad childhood, but he did have something very traumatic happen to him later in life. He said he has never been the same since and his personality changed. His last girlfriend ended up breaking up with him because she couldn't deal with the way he had changed.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 19/01/2021 13:59

I only work part time I wouldn't understand the stress of a full time job and he didn't want to tidy and clean after a days work as he's too tired. He then went into a complete mood and it took hours for me to get him to calm down and stop ignoring me / being in a mood with me.

Again, completely unacceptable. No relationship should be so hard that you have to spend hours calming him down.

At that time I suspect that the scales hadn't fallen from your eyes and because of your father you thought this was normal. This last incident, coupled with what you've learned in counselling, is what's tipped you over into recognising that it's not normal, it's not how a relationship should be.

Please stay angry for now, so that you don't waver and let him back. And although you still, because of your father, have difficulty in knowing what the normal boundaries of a relationship, let the vast majority of 260 posts reassure you that this isn't within those boundaries.

Yohoheaveho · 19/01/2021 14:02

[quote meganwildrose]@HannaYeah

He doesn't always swear, but he does have what I would describe as extreme reactions. In the sense of he will storm off, drive back to his place... or ignore me, refuse to talk about it, create an atmosphere, not get over it for hours, tell me he needs 'head space' and to be left alone. This can be over very minor things, such as him leaving dirty clothes lying around.[/quote]
Because he doesn't have the intellectual ability to deal with anything that doesn't work in his favour his only strategy is to create chaos and confusion and use that to get in control
He's not a good person to have as a partner, his ability to control his impulses so that he can co-operate is very small and limited before he goes straight to trying to dominate

Yohoheaveho · 19/01/2021 14:05

Did he have some sort of traumatic head injury?

BeforeThisThenWhat · 19/01/2021 14:16

I’m glad you are thinking that you will finish the relationship. He sounds horrible. You have put up with his awful behaviour for too long.
Now that you area mother you really need to be careful not to get in another bad relationship. Nasty men are good at putting on a good front - you need to up your game and not be slow to end bad relationships.
There is nothing wrong with having the odd disagreement or argument but you shouldn’t ever need to put up with someone being nasty to you.

I’d much rather be single.

Original poster
meganwildrose · 19/01/2021 14:32

@Yohoheaveho

Not a head injury, but along those lines.

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 19/01/2021 14:35

Megan, it sounds as if he is unwilling and likely unable to improve, he may well escalate and become more problematic.
I think this man doesn't have much self-control or ability to be strategic and act in his own best interests, the most likely scenario is he will mess things up for himself do you want to sink with him?
I think I would be swimming away from this man.

misskatamari · 19/01/2021 14:44

Ugh he sounds so disrespectful. You've definitely done the right thing. I would be ending it now

MzHz · 19/01/2021 15:01

His last girlfriend ended up breaking up with him because she couldn't deal with the way he had changed.

So she felt his behaviour wasn’t acceptable

And now you know the same.

And you have a little one.

He’s abusive, doesn’t really matter if there’s an excuse or reason, the fallout on you and also on your daughter is the same

Plus he thinks you’re low class and loose.

Niiiice.

You’re not. You know this. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Whatever the reason @meganwildrose, this bloke is not good for you or for your daughter

End it for good today and don’t look back.

I promise you that if you hold tight to your boundaries, you won’t be stuck with a guy like this, and you will find someone better who loves you the way you are, loves your dd and your cats for that matter

Never settle for less than this.

Feedingthebirds1 · 19/01/2021 15:22

[quote meganwildrose]@Yohoheaveho

Not a head injury, but along those lines.[/quote]
Don't use that as a reason to take him back, because you feel sorry for him/it's not his fault/he can't help it/I can fix him.

You have no obligation to be treated this way for any reason at all. You're not his punchbag - physical or emotional - every time things don't go his way. Can you imagine living like this for ever, never saying anything that might upset him to avoid this behaviour, even if he's being absolutely foul? And your DD seeing and absorbing it?

I know you've said you're not going to take him back, I just wanted to bolster your backbone if it should ever wobble!!

catlady3 · 19/01/2021 15:36

Baby daddy is someone you have a baby with, no? So was he actually talking about your daughter? Or does he think you want a baby with him? (You don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

MzHz · 19/01/2021 17:31

@catlady3

Baby daddy is someone you have a baby with, no? So was he actually talking about your daughter? Or does he think you want a baby with him? (You don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
It’s a term for a feckless twat who spawns a kid but isn’t decent enough to be called a parent