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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your boyfriend if he said this to you?

291 replies

meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 16:16

Boyfriend of 2 years and I got into an argument last night over text messaging. I have a DD from a previous relationship who he is very good with. He comes on family days out, stays over etc. The argument started to become quite heated as he told me I was "chatting shit" so I said:

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

He then replies:

"Fuck off then, you're a joke. Go find another baby daddy."

I thought not only is this derogatory to me, but also to women and single parents in general.

I then said:

"Well at least I know what you think of me now."

He then said he was frustrated and shouldn't have spoken to me like that, it was rude and he is sorry.

I haven't spoken to him since, despite him sending two follow up messages.

AIBU to absolutely not forgive him and to think this is clearly an ingrained belief he has or else he wouldn't have said it?

OP posts:
goose1964 · 18/01/2021 17:03

I don't have a clue what this means but I don't let men insult me

Original poster
meganwildrose · 18/01/2021 17:05

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message.

He has never insulted me with name calling in this way before though.

OP posts:
BadBear · 18/01/2021 17:05

What a joke of a man and a pathetic comment to make.

I'm sorry but for me this would be a deal breaker. Regardless of whether he said it because that's what he thinks of single women bringing up a child or just to provoke a reaction.

First scenario means he has very diminishing views on women, second scenario means he's really immature trying to hurt you by making a horrible comment.

LaceyBetty · 18/01/2021 17:05

Wow, he's told you how he really feels hasn't he? No way would I allow him further into my and my DD's lives after that. What a disgusting thing to say, under any circumstances.

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/01/2021 17:07

Well don’t agonise over it, obviously dump him. He sounds fucking awful. You shouldn’t have him around your kid for a start.

Ninkanink · 18/01/2021 17:07

I wouldn’t forgive that. Don’t give him another minute of your time.

billy1966 · 18/01/2021 17:08

So he has form for being nasty.
Escalating the insults.

OP, why have you this nasty man in your daughter's life?

Flowers
Tal45 · 18/01/2021 17:09

If this was a total one off where he just made a mistake and lost it a bit that's not great but I could get over it. The fact that his way of dealing with things and communicating is often to tell you to shut up or fuck off is not ok though. He needs to learn to communicate in a different way - is he prepared to do that?

meltedgalaxy · 18/01/2021 17:09

I don't think I could get past that really

Bananalanacake · 18/01/2021 17:12

Thank god you don't live with him.

Rosebel · 18/01/2021 17:13

I don't think it means he thinks it. People say stupid things in an argument. Do you always mean everything you say in anger?
If everything else is good I would forgive this but I don't think I'd forget it.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 18/01/2021 17:15

My boyfriend has a little boy and it wouldnt ever cross my mind to even think those words let alone say them!

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2021 17:16

@meganwildrose

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though. He's told me to fuck off, told me to shut up, quite a few times though. Face to face and over text message.

He has never insulted me with name calling in this way before though.

You should not allow anyone to speak to you like that.

Aggression of any kind has no place in a relationship.

My mother and step dad had blazing aggressive rows. I’m utterly scarred by them. My DH and I have been together 16 years and he’s never sworn at me or told me to shut up during an argument.

It’s perfectly possible to disagree without his mind of behaviour.

Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 17:17

I don't mean to sound like some martyr but I have honestly never in my life said something nasty and personal in an argument. Ever. I might swear or walk off but I have never done it. I am always surprised on these threads where people say about saying nasty things.

ooohbriefcase · 18/01/2021 17:17

No he thinks you're beneath him for being a single parent. The term 'baby daddy' is just gross as well, I don't know what it is but it's just bleh. I'm going to assume he used the term to be offensive.

Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2021 17:17

@Rosebel

I don't think it means he thinks it. People say stupid things in an argument. Do you always mean everything you say in anger? If everything else is good I would forgive this but I don't think I'd forget it.
I do.

When I’m angry I’m aware I’m not necessarily rational and I also know that you can’t unsay things so I choose my words carefully, even in anger. Perhaps even more so.

OliviaKeeling · 18/01/2021 17:17

He quite often will get aggressive with his words, never with his actions though

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

HexWitch · 18/01/2021 17:18

I never say anything in an argument that I'll live to regret.

TheDogsMother · 18/01/2021 17:18

The 'fuck off' bit would have been the end for me, let alone the baby daddy comment. Utterly disrespectful and you deserve a lot better than this.

Nunoftheother · 18/01/2021 17:18

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

Were you really that formal and restrained in your response while he was effing and blinding? If so, you seem to have very different communication styles (yes, I realise what you're quoting was an argument).

I suppose you have to decide which is more genuine - what he said in anger, or his apology.

LaceyBetty · 18/01/2021 17:18

@Rosebel

I don't think it means he thinks it. People say stupid things in an argument. Do you always mean everything you say in anger? If everything else is good I would forgive this but I don't think I'd forget it.
I've been with my husband for 20 plus years and he has never said anything even approaching that to me. Even the "you're a joke" part alone would be gutting. No one should be in a relationship with someone who talks like that to them.
Wheresmykimchi · 18/01/2021 17:19

@Nunoftheother

"Okay, with that I am ending the conversation here."

Were you really that formal and restrained in your response while he was effing and blinding? If so, you seem to have very different communication styles (yes, I realise what you're quoting was an argument).

I suppose you have to decide which is more genuine - what he said in anger, or his apology.

That's how I speak in an argument. I appreciate it's not what a lot of people do but I'm not a fan of the nasty insults. Although reading this maybe if winds people up more!
TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 18/01/2021 17:22

I think you've just had a glimpse of what's behind the facade.

He knows his real character has slipped out... that's what he's sorry about.

To me it's two Red Flags being waved about wildly.

Caswint · 18/01/2021 17:23

So he wants to devalue your opinions and will say whatever it takes to shut you up when you don't agree with him. Ain't he the big man. Run, OP.

Jobsharenightmare · 18/01/2021 17:24

I think there are a couple of people here with low standards and missing the context of poor communication in general, but most of us are saying the same thing - he isn't a good guy.