To leave baby to cry?

[Hullllla]

When everything that you can do has been done, is this acceptable or just a big no no?

I'm just wondering if it's reflux. My daughter had silent reflux and she was just never quite comfy till we got on top of it.

For her ready made bottles would make it so much worse than the powder formula, we'd a wedge in her mattress and her favourite place was the bouncer. We gave her a dummy and used gripe water to help with the acid and it made a difference.

But it's hellish and you have my complete sympathy.

It's fine. Don't believe the bullshit.

Are you getting a burp out of them after every feed op? My friend with a newborn hadn't been told to do this and couldn't figure why, after nappy, sleep and feeding they were still screaming. Knowing they had to be upright until winded made the difference, can't believe no-one had told her.

@Hullllla

Yes but it just gets spat out. I’m just walking round with him now. He’s stopped screaming but still wide awake so as soon as I stop the screaming will start. I’ve never known a baby like this and I’m guessing no one else has from the suggestions. He must be so miserable and I can’t help.

Mine was the same. Lots of people have had similar op it's just that once you get through it, it becomes a distant memory. You're not the first and you won't be the last. Keep doing what you're doing and tag team it with your partner and step out and get some fresh air and mental space. It will pass. I promise.

Op I've not read everything but you know about the 4th trimester theory?

Eg the months after birth are baby adjusting to the outside world.
They are used to being squished up in a lovley warm cocoon and suddenly we expect them to lie flat on cold mattresses etc without their mum.

Is it any wonder they won't settle.
I found a Co sleeper cot amazing with dd 2.

Baby could be going through feeding frenzy... Needing loads of milk, could have toe tourniquet, hair wrapped around toe..

Cycle legs, wind.. Cold, uncomfortable...

Babies change every day... Baby will love the pram soon but is just getting used to the outside world..

I know you said he hates the pram but it could be worthwhile putting him in the pram and taking him outside for a brisk walk.. He might still cry but at least the outside sounds traffic etc might dampen the cries for you.. He will be perfectly safe in the pram while you walk crying or not and you never know he might stop once you get started and maybe even nap.
Our ds used to do this when he was tiny.. Eventually he would stop crying and enjoy the walk.. He particularly liked bumpy pavements and lots of traffic 🙈
It does get easier though as he gets a bit bigger.. How's his nappies? If he is on formula it could be worth keeping an eye on case he has a cows milk allergy or something that could be making him uncomfortable.. Insist on hv or gp seeing you if you are worried!

@choli

It's fine. Don't believe the bullshit.

What bullshit?

I had this exact same thing OP - hours and hours and hours of relentless distressed screaming. It was so upsetting for me and I just didn’t know what to do. It was awful.

It turned out he was allergic to dairy (CMPA) so he was crying constantly because he was in pain.

Just something that might be worth considering?

Do you have a partner? Can they take baby for a bit whilst you have a walk outside to get out of the house for a bit? I wouldn't leave baby to cry by themselves at 4 weeks, but sounds like you need a bit of a break.

It is OK for them to cry in your arms, if all the needs you can identify have been met. It is not OK for you to abandon them to cry, unless you are at risk of harming them otherwise (in which case, seek help stat).

4 weeks far too young for being left to cry. Could it be reflux or wind?

It is really difficult and naturally we get anxious too

And we have all felt anger from frustration

I don’t know what else to suggest but please give yourself some space even for a few minutes

In my experience with newborns if it isnt needing fed, nappy change, sleep issue, needing a cuddle or wind issue and the crying is excessive I'd be thinking there's another issue.

isnt a case of needing fed*

Look at the icon website, information on settling baby. If you’ve done all else and are feeling worked up leave baby in a safe place whilst you regather.

What's your burping method?

Is this your first baby? The 4 to 8 week crying is something and if hes down bottles it's either a growth spurt or he's looking for comfort for his wind.

Take a deep breath. It's ok. Honestly I was there a few months ago and it is hell.

If he's still going since 5am, I'd give a quick call to 111. They may be able to put you in touch with an out of hours GP.

Otherwise, I would honestly put him in his cot for 15 minutes and take a hot shower by myself. If he's safe and won't stop crying anyway, you may as well try and compose yourself. I know a lot of parents felt this was wrong, but I truly believe that I am a better mom when I am sane and have had some time to myself.

You say he's on bottles - any chance you have another brand of formula you could try?

If you need to chat, feel free to PM me.

Google the 'tiger in the tree hold'. That might help if he has colic / a bad tummy.

I do appreciate peoples replies but I can’t walk all day, especially when I barely get a chance to eat or drink.

I have only been out in the pram once with him and it was an utterly horrendous experience I shall never repeat again. I ended up having to take him out of it and carry him in my arms while trying to manoeuvre pram down a steep hill. Never, ever again.

I have had a bath with him. As with other things he is fine as long as it lasts then starts screaming again. He roared hysterically because I put him down for thirty seconds to tie my hair up.

Unfortunately I think there is a fundamental disconnect, I guess we don’t always take to everyone all of the time.

Unfortunately I think there is a fundamental disconnect, I guess we don’t always take to everyone all of the time.

This sort of thinking quite common with PND, could you speak to your HV?

I cried and said I regretted having him and she laughed, so I can’t see her being much help!

OP, how do YOU feel if you leave him to cry so you can have a break and save your sanity?
I was told, nearly 18 years ago, that if it was too much, leave him to cry.
The trouble was, my heart was beating out of my chest and it was really bad for both of us, when I did follow the advice.
If you have no other children and a partner at work and it will make you both calmer, sit down all day with the baby and watch what you want on TV, read all the books you ever wanted to, let the housework and any other obligations just go. This will pass really soon although it feels endless, but if you cut yourself some slack and relax into just tending to the baby, you will look back at it as more relaxed time if not exactly a lovely time.
I regret so much following Health visitor advice to leave him to cry. I wasn't well and everything that affects my lad now (he had a hard time at secondary school) comes back to me thinking that I shouldn't have left him to cry.
I'm not specifically recommending a course of action either way, just musing about what it would take to get you both through a very challenging and even more temporary time. Xxx

Do you have one of the bouncy vibrating chairs? He might be okay in one of those as it's moving?

@Hullllla I promise you, it isn’t that he doesn’t like you or isn’t connected to you. I also know you’re sat reading this thinking I don’t know what I’m talking about it, but I’ve been there.

I was convinced my daughter didn’t like me, loved others more, wouldn’t settle for me, etc, and that was even with having a rough idea of the cause of the screaming (reflux and digestive issues).

It could be a multitude of things that are causing him to cry, but I promise NONE of them are to do with you! Look how hard you’re trying to figure it out and do your best for him, you’re already a great mum! You might not like him very much right now either, but you’re still concerned enough to be asking for advice, so you’re doing great!

My first piece of advice, as it does sound like it could be colic/reflux, is get back on the phone to your GP and absolutely demand that you receive either a call back or a video appointment, as this is affecting your mental health as well as your son. There should be no reason whatsoever that can’t arrange one of the two.

In the meantime, we had some luck with a mixture of Infacol, bicycle legs (lay him down and alternately push his legs up towards his belly and back down, like he’s cycling), baby sensory videos on YouTube, and holding/laying her at an incline so she wasn’t flat on her back. Obviously only when she was in sight of us and we could tend to her immediately if needed.

Granted it may not be reflux, but it can’t hurt!

Have you thought about changing his formula at all to see if that helps?

PM me if you like and I’ll be happy just to chat if nothing else :)

Not RTFT so apologies if this has been suggested.

Do you have a bouncer? Or changing mat on the floor? Put on the hoover or hairdryer, the vibration and sound is similar to that of the womb.

As an aside I have 7 DC I know it's incredibly hard but some kids just cry, it's not your fault, it's nothing you did or didn't do. I promise it gets easier