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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

PIL huge dissapointment

390 replies

Ilovepancakes6 · 19/11/2020 01:12

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

OP posts:

Audreyseyebrows · 19/11/2020 01:20

I would be upset but tbh I can’t be bothered to hold grudges. It’s done, it was shit but it isn’t the end of the world.

FlyNow · 19/11/2020 01:27

Hmm I see the issue.

On the other hand, if he was just dropping you off and it was a 20 minute trip each way, it does seem like the dc could have just come with you? Surely it would have taken longer than 45 minutes for PILs to even get to your place, by the time they excused themselves from what they were doing, packed up and left, and drove to yours. Your DH could have been there and back in that time.

It also depends on what they were doing at the pub. If they were meeting friends it is a bit more understandable that they didn't want to let them down.

To be honest I think you can be a bit annoyed but not livid.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/11/2020 01:32

If he was just dropping you off why couldn’t your kids come?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/11/2020 01:40

Tbh YABU They already had plans, fair enough if they were free and said no but they were going out.

Coyoacan · 19/11/2020 01:43

Meh. My mother-in-law did, on occasion, do much worse than that but was mostly brilliant. If you are looking for perfection in people, you won't find it anywhere.

HoppingPavlova · 19/11/2020 02:03

I don’t understand why DH couldn’t pack the babies/toddlers/little kids in car as he was dropping you off not waiting with you. You indicate he would have been back in 45mins. Then same to go pick you up. Worse case is he has to wake sleeping kids to put them in car to pick you up but it’s a one off.

If I was your parents or PIL I would have been perplexed as to why the obvious solution couldn’t be implemented in this scenario. Very different to emergency scenarios where it would be completely reasonable, this was in no way an emergency or unmanageable, just a tad annoying.

Did he need help looking after them between dropping you and afterwards? Does he look after them by himself at all?

FortunesFave · 19/11/2020 02:15

I also don't understand why DH couldn't pack the toddlers in the car and not go in with you?

notangelinajolie · 19/11/2020 02:20

Previous posters have one up with a perfectly sensible solution. If it was only a short journey to hospital and your DH was just dropping you off - why couldn't you DCs have been bundled into the car?

seayork2020 · 19/11/2020 02:24

I would be a bit annoyed then move on, I don't have the head space for all these dramas I see on here in real life

seayork2020 · 19/11/2020 02:25

@seayork2020

I would be a bit annoyed then move on, I don't have the head space for all these dramas I see on here in real life

added yes why did they needs the kids if he was just dropping you off

W0MAN · 19/11/2020 02:36

In an emergency getting you to the hospital as fast as possible should have been the priority so your husband should have bundled kids in the car and dropped you off.

You say they'd have only been required for 45 mins max? What was he going to with the children when he picked you up? Could his parents have thought you were asking them to cancel their plans because he'd want to wait in car park or something for you or that he'd ask them to come back to babysit while he picked you up later so they wouldn't be able to have a drink etc.

VetiverAndLavender · 19/11/2020 02:38

A medical emergency and they went to the pub instead? Yes, I'd be livid, too, and I'd damn well remember it. I hope they aren't planning to rely on you to help them in their advancing years, OP!

If your husband could've taken the children in the car, maybe it wasn't necessary to ask, but on the other hand, I imagine you were in a hurry and maybe didn't want the children there. It's a distraction, the might have been alarmed, and it's more comfortable for them to stay at home. In any case, I can't imagine saying "no" to such a request from a close family member, unless I physically couldn't do it.

PurpleFlower1983 · 19/11/2020 02:46

Why couldn’t the kids come along if he was only dropping you off? Or was it a broken leg or something? Life’s too short to hold grudges.

decoratingnightmare · 19/11/2020 02:51

DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

Try and be more like DH - you will be happier for it.

FortunesFave · 19/11/2020 03:09

I always find these posts a bit confusing. DH and I had nobody to help when ours were small though so I could be skewed. DH once broke his hip and had to go alone to hospital because there was nobody to care for our toddlers. Similarly, after my c section with DD2, he had to go back to work three days after I got home so I was trapped, alone on the sofa with a toddler and a newborn and an open wound.

Never occurred to be angry at my Mum. She chose not to help and that was that. Not ideal of course ...but people choose what they choose. Why get het up about it?

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 03:20

This is one of those interesting MN posts.

Broken bone is extremely painful and etc I would think?

If family are near then it seems natural to say can you keep an eye on the kids while I run x to hosp who has obvious broken bone.

I mean my family aren't like that and I don't tell them or bother them about anything.

My friends say that they are definitely unusual and eg like op most family would say oh god yes we'll pop round and look after the kids while you get it sorted.

Seems on this thread though that's not right. Which is weird.

I thought that normal families did look out for each other like this? My husband's family would do something like that without a second thought.

Mine would say no as per op. Your problem you sort it.

I thought that mine were odd but reading this, maybe not?

Very interesting thread.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 03:27

I don't know op.

I've not got a normal frame of reference but I would think if someone has a broken bone and people are local then it's all hands to the pump kind of thing.

I've found the responses on this thread surprising and a bit depressing tbh.

I don't think it represents real life though. I think in real life in an emergency it's fairly normal to ask for/ get help. Strangers have helped me in the past. Most people are kind. IME.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 03:35

Fortunes I don't know. I really don't.

I had quite severe PND and anxiety. Obviously I didn't tell my parents. And when they said. You don't look very happy! In an aggressive way. Obviously I tried to smile more.

They live just up the road.

One time I went round and said. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. Is there any chance i can have a sleep for 20 mins on the sofa, can you keep an eye on the baby? Please?

She said no.

Her choice her decision.

I can't imagine saying that to my kids. But.

This thread shows. That it's normal. Broken bone need hosp. We've got plans! No can do.

This thread is making me feel like like maybe it's normal. For parents to not give a fuck? But everyone I've met in real life says their parents do care about them.

OP yeah it seems shit they couldn't put the pub on hold for an hour while he ran you to the hosp.

But apparently that's normal.

But it's not, is it? I mean mine would say ok she's broken a leg in 6 places what's it got to do with us. I thought other families were different though.

Surprised at the responses.

Lollypop701 · 19/11/2020 03:53

I’d be livid too... they couldn’t spare 1 hour out of their lives to help you. No doubt they told people at the pub who were bloody surprised they were there at not with your kids! And yes I’d make sure they knew... next time they ask for anything I’d be busy

Guineapigbridge · 19/11/2020 04:02

sorry but in this scenario the kids would come in the car with me and DH and wait at, or near, the hospital. You don't need to put other people out for a broken bone.
If it was something requiring an overnight then I would have roped-in other people. Otherwise, its just drama for drama's sake. As is holding a grudge.

blubberball · 19/11/2020 04:06

I'm extremely lucky with my own dm. She will always drop everything to help her family. My df too.
If any one needed me to watch their dc whilst their mother went to the hospital with a broken bone, I would.

I have felt these feelings with my ex dh's family. They would never help, always had something better to do than see their dgc. I wouldn't bother asking in future op.

Guineapigbridge · 19/11/2020 04:07

This thread is making me feel like like maybe it's normal. For parents to not give a fuck?

your parents give fuck but you are an adult with children, sort your own basic affairs out.

Caeruleanblue · 19/11/2020 04:07

Maybe with covid restrictions going to the pub had a much higher priority than normal. Who asked them, did whoever called give them an option eg we'll drop you to the pub afterwards? Sounds to me that they were keen to get to the pub but had they been pushed a little would have babysat.
Obviously they are regretful now so I wouldn't be that bothered.

seayork2020 · 19/11/2020 04:10

I still don't get the problem of why the kids needed to be in the car with your DH when you were dropped off?

If my parents have plans or even my ILs if I desperately the world was going to end without them need them sure I ask other wise if they have plans they have plans.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 04:15

'You don't need to put other people out for a broken bone.'

That's. Interesting. When my FIL had a fall, strangers put themselves out. A lot. Passers by. I am so grateful to them.

My family wouldn't. I wouldn't even call them.

I'm surprised that MN tonight says a broken bone is nothing. But if that's what you think that's what you think.

You're in tune with my parents. 'you made your bed' etc.

DH parents would really round.

I thought my parents were odd and his were normal but seems not. Tonight.

When did things change? Or. Was it always this way.

I've not had a broken bone but did spend years in and out of children's hospital with orthopedic surgery. Plaster etc. I thought it was a big ish thing? No?

I mean they never visited so that's. Normal. You are all saying.

Broken bones are not trivial from what I understand. But it's normal for family to just say. Whatever. I'm going to the pub.

Kind of enlightening! I assumed that most people especially family would help but looks like that was wrong.

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