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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL huge dissapointment

390 replies

Ilovepancakes6 · 19/11/2020 01:12

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 19/11/2020 04:20

@NiceGerbil

'You don't need to put other people out for a broken bone.'

That's. Interesting. When my FIL had a fall, strangers put themselves out. A lot. Passers by. I am so grateful to them.

My family wouldn't. I wouldn't even call them.

I'm surprised that MN tonight says a broken bone is nothing. But if that's what you think that's what you think.

You're in tune with my parents. 'you made your bed' etc.

DH parents would really round.

I thought my parents were odd and his were normal but seems not. Tonight.

When did things change? Or. Was it always this way.

I've not had a broken bone but did spend years in and out of children's hospital with orthopedic surgery. Plaster etc. I thought it was a big ish thing? No?

I mean they never visited so that's. Normal. You are all saying.

Broken bones are not trivial from what I understand. But it's normal for family to just say. Whatever. I'm going to the pub.

Kind of enlightening! I assumed that most people especially family would help but looks like that was wrong.

If all my DH had to do was take me to the hospital and drop me off and pick me up DS (and anything kids we would hypothetical have) would sit in the car with us if he was younger, I don't see why it has to be so complex
NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 04:24

Oh oops cross post

'This thread is making me feel like like maybe it's normal. For parents to not give a fuck?

your parents give fuck but you are an adult with children, sort your own basic affairs out.'

A. How do you know that they give a fuck?.
B. Yes I do for reasons

And I will and would always go to my children or their loved ones if they were hurt.

Because of my upbringing.

My parents never helped me at all. I get that. Stand on your own two feet. Etc etc

Like I say my friends think my parents are very. Cold. Distant. Etc.

But on this thread I've been told to sort my own shit out Grin

DH family are close and kind and stuff. That seems preferable to me. I thought that was the norm. But, apparently not.

It's ok. To PP. I haven't called on my family since I was about 12 because by then I'd learnt there was no point.

Is this really a good thing? Such a depressing thread.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/11/2020 04:25

I cannot hardly imagine having so little connection to or concern for my kids. I would be deeply ashamed if my kids asked me to babysit for them so they could take their DP to the hospital and I said no because I wanted to go to the pub.

Obviously it's true that it's their choice and they don't "owe" you any more than a stranger in the street does. But if they can't be arsed missing a drink at the pub to help out in a situation like that I would be thinking of them like a stranger in the street. I would be making very little effort with them going forward.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/11/2020 04:26

*can hardly imagine

FlyNow · 19/11/2020 04:26

No one is saying it's nothing, just that the problem could have been solved quicker and easier without PILs involvement so it doesn't seem worth getting angry over.

AllByMySelfDontWannaBe · 19/11/2020 04:28

I think this thread is a good example of how weird people in the anglosphere can be about family and friendship ties and what they mean.

Of course if you have broken a bone and you have friends or family nearby they should help you out by looking after them for a few hours. It doesnt really matter whether you could have taken them in the car or not.

Family and friends arent there to just have a laugh with. You're meant to look out for one another and if that means putting yourself out on the odd occasion that's what you do. The wheel always turns.

Weird replies on here

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/11/2020 04:35

@FlyNow

No one is saying it's nothing, just that the problem could have been solved quicker and easier without PILs involvement so it doesn't seem worth getting angry over.
We don't know this at all. The OP might well have needed the back seat in order to try and keep the bone as immobile as possible and/or keep a limb raised to keep swelling down or make it more comfortable and then there wouldn't have been room for car seats.

She could have been in huge pain which would have been frightening for the children to witness.

A broken bone isn't normally an emergency where the seconds count, there's time to make arrangements to make the OP or her children more comfortable.

NiceGerbil · 19/11/2020 04:35

I can't imagine picking up the phone

Omg. Mum. X has a broken leg I need to get them to hosp can you help.

Me. No. I'm going to the pub.

???

I mean my parents never go to the pub. But I wouldn't call them about anything because they wouldn't help.

DH whole family would drop everything and rally round.

I think his family way is better. And I thought it was more normal.

I'm surprised. And find it a bit upsetting tbh. I hoped my view was wonky. Friends have said it's not normal.

But apparently it is. Stand on your own two feet. Sort your shit out.

I don't even bother telling my mum when I go to hospital for stuff. Yay?

Bowerbird5 · 19/11/2020 04:37

I am surprised at the replies to OP.

I would go to my adult children if they needed me.

A broken bone isn’t much - Wow some of you obviously haven’t broken a bone then. It can be extremely painful, may need surgery or an overnight stay.
OP doesn’t say which bone. Could involve plaster. Ankle or leg,
wrist, spine so may not be minor injury.

OP. I would be upset that they chose the pub over me.

Caeruleanblue · 19/11/2020 04:41

How can anyone know it's a simple event - the OP might have fainted or vomited in the car from the pain/ there might have been floods (like here) so trip to hospital took much longer / there might have been hold ups in the journey due to traffic/ there might have been a queue for A/E and Op and DH and myriad kids stuck in car for ages ..........

I would definitely have helped with babysitting my DGKs.
But the fact they ILs now regret their behaviour does save them a bit.

frustrationcentral · 19/11/2020 04:52

I'd be upset too OP, mainly because I'm the type to drop everything if someone needed me.

However in recent years I've realised I need to lower my expectations of people, just because I'd do something I can't expect others to do it too

nowishtofly · 19/11/2020 04:58

I'd be upset and I'd be thinking that they had showed me just how much they cared. I assume you would drop plans to help them if in a similar fix. If you are a proper family or a good friend you can be relied on to pitch in during a crisis which this was. I would now be less inclined to rely on them or put myself out for them in future. What goes around comes around.

parababe · 19/11/2020 05:24

I think it depends on what the injury is really.....! A broken finger is very different to a broken leg!

GreatBritishBachOff · 19/11/2020 05:29

I went by train from York to Essex for most of each week of DDs last pregnancy as she was so ill. I came back home once a week for a hospital appointment and either went back the same day or the next morning. I was lucky I wasn’t working so I could help look after DGD and make sure DD had meals, snacks and some tlc. I couldn’t have let her just get on with it knowing how unwell she was. I know many would think I was mad to do that ( and my own health did suffer as I was shattered) but I felt that even though I couldn’t ease DDs physical problems she could at least relax knowing DGD was being looked after and was happy.

If I’m able to help then I will. I adore my DGDs so spending time with them is precious and special. I would help a friend or a neighbour by looking after their DC if they had a broken bone so imo YANBU.

mum11970 · 19/11/2020 05:31

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too.
A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.

JillofTrades · 19/11/2020 05:34

I hear you op. But if it was such a quick trip I just don't understand why you didn't just put the kids in the car? That would have been the easiest.

SandysMam · 19/11/2020 05:35

YANBU, my MIL is like this but always offering to help saying “if you need anything, you just let us know” except when we need something then they are too busy. She is full of shit and I see through it in an instant.
She makes out to her friends she is always helping out.
Sorry you broke your bone OP and yes you are within your rights to be livid. Don’t carry it around with you though OP or it is only you it hurts. Just don’t ask them again.

Omeara · 19/11/2020 05:37

My parents would have done it for me.

In reality though I probably wouldn’t ask as by then time they’d got to us I could have been halfway to hospital.

As nobody could go in with you it wouldn’t seem worth involving others to me.

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2020 05:48

I think we can assume it wasn't a broken femur or similar as the OP said they were home in 3 hours so suggests it wasn't too complex.

It's disappointing they couldn't help but i would have done what PP said and just taken them. I

AuntieMarys · 19/11/2020 05:51

I'd have just got a taxi. Which I did a few months ago when I broke a bone.

ThistlyPerf · 19/11/2020 05:51

@mum11970

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too. A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.
Wtf? A broken bone managed with paracetamol?

I can’t believe this thread - it feels like we’ve entered some sort of parallel universe.

tara66 · 19/11/2020 05:52

It's a bit of a shock when ones so called ''nearest and dearest'' decide to go to the pub (i.e. prefer to risk getting Covid ?) if you have an emergency. You had 2 disasters - a broken bone and the knowledge no one will help you. I think you should tell PIL how you feel. Why bottle it up?

Divebar · 19/11/2020 05:52

I think it depends on what the injury is really.....! A broken finger is very different to a broken leg!

All broken bones are not equal. Presumably if it was a severe fracture or a major limb you would have called an ambulance. The fact that you didn’t need that would suggest you were more walking wounded. How serious a fracture was it? Presumably at the time you didn’t know it was fractured just that it was injured.
It also depends on how far you were from PIL. If they were just down the road then that’s obviously different from being a drive away. All in all though I would expect family to rally around for a medical emergency yes. I think you have the right to be annoyed but livid is a bit dramatic I think ( but pretty typical of MN which seems to be livid about everything )

YouMaySayImADreamer · 19/11/2020 05:57

OP I'm with you and am surprised others on here think this is normal behaviour from family. I think it is heartless. Surely it's usual for families to look out for one another and help when needed? Do they never ask for you help? And as a PP asked, I wonder will they want it in later years.

My MIL is like this. DH and I are very self sufficient and very rarely ask for help. We pay all our own childcare (I know MANY people who have help from local dgp and I don't expect it, I'm just saying that from ky experience it is the norm), very rarely ask anyone to babysit etc. On the rare occasion we ask DMIL it is usually a hard faced no. She has complained in the past that we aren't closer but I just don't think this sort of behaviour is conducive to a close relationship. It builds resentment. Especially when they expect you yo make any kind if effort with them.

badpuma · 19/11/2020 06:10

@mum11970

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too. A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.
Wow.

I'm glad my family don't think like this.