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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL huge dissapointment

390 replies

Ilovepancakes6 · 19/11/2020 01:12

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

OP posts:
Mittens030869 · 21/11/2020 12:34

@peboh

They couldn't do that. The OP had broken her leg and had to stretch out on the back seat. Where would they have sat? That's not rocket science either.

Lemonydrizzle · 21/11/2020 13:01

The OP isn't in any way acting "entitled" expecting that family would help in a crisis. She asked if she was unreasonable to feel angry and hurt - if my in laws went off to the pub knowing I had broken my leg and needed under one hour of help, that's exactly how I'd feel.

MzHz · 21/11/2020 13:01

[quote peboh]@MzHz yes I got that. However the pil clearly had other plans, and they were more of a priority. Don't expect people to drop what they're doing for you. Nobody is entitled to that. Take the children with you if you need to. It's not rocket science. Also not worth holding a grudge over. [/quote]
Clearly not read much eh?

Broken leg, needed back seat to lie on, kids won’t fit, car seats etc.

Now THAT ain’t rocket science

MzHz · 21/11/2020 13:03

@peboh

I wouldn't have thought to ask anyone considering dh could only take you and drop you off. I don't really understand this thing where everyone expects people to drop everything for them. They had plans, yes it may not be what you deem important but it obviously was to them and yes their priorities might not be where you want them to be but that's their life, their choices.
The one thing I will say tho is people like you generally write wouldn’t of and you didn’t

So thanks for that.

lyralalala · 21/11/2020 15:00

[quote peboh]@MzHz yes I got that. However the pil clearly had other plans, and they were more of a priority. Don't expect people to drop what they're doing for you. Nobody is entitled to that. Take the children with you if you need to. It's not rocket science. Also not worth holding a grudge over. [/quote]
It's not remotely entitled to expect your family to help out when you have an emergency, like a broken leg.

Not in the real world.

shenanigans5 · 21/11/2020 15:07

By mumsnet standards if they didn’t come round to kick you in the face whilst drinking prosecco and laughing at you writhing around with the pain of a broken leg before pissing off to the pub you’re doing well.

By any normal standards- yes, of course they should have helped with the kids in a medical emergency.

NewlyGranny · 21/11/2020 15:13

You thought you had PiL who would do anything for you in a pinch. They said so. They lied. They are not the people you thought they were. They were not ready to leap into action and be useful in an emergency. They were not willing to put themselves out, not by a scrap.

You need to believe what you now know and it may take a while to sink in. You will never feel quite the same about them because of what they showed you about themselves. That's OK, they are still your PiL and the grandparents of your DC.

But inevitably you are angry and disappointed because you were promised better. I would be rethinking how much you are willing to put yourself out for them. Just quietly to yourself, don't tell them or argue with your DH over it. Just adjust your settings for them a bit closer to neutral.

As a MiL and GM, I would have been buckling up before you finished asking. I think most would.

MoonJelly · 21/11/2020 15:16

However, it honestly wouldn’t have occurred to me or DH to ask anyone - we’d have shifted the car around and taken the children with us.

Not even your parents who live near, @Padton? I'd feel really sorry if my son felt unable to ask me for help in these circumstances.

MoonJelly · 21/11/2020 15:18

@peboh

I wouldn't have thought to ask anyone considering dh could only take you and drop you off. I don't really understand this thing where everyone expects people to drop everything for them. They had plans, yes it may not be what you deem important but it obviously was to them and yes their priorities might not be where you want them to be but that's their life, their choices.
It is indeed their choice, but OP is entitled to feel really disappointed that they put their regular visit to the pub ahead of their son and grandchildren, isn't she?
Livelovebehappy · 21/11/2020 16:00

If I was ops mil, and she was generally a cow towards me, ie didn’t bother with us, generally not pleasant towards us, hardly allowed us to visit/or visited us, then asked us to drop plans to help, I must admit I would struggle to rush over and help. You can’t tell what the relationship is like from this thread, but I can guess from the ops tone that it’s not great normally. This is when horrible attitudes will come back and bite you on the bum.

lyralalala · 21/11/2020 16:06

@Livelovebehappy

If I was ops mil, and she was generally a cow towards me, ie didn’t bother with us, generally not pleasant towards us, hardly allowed us to visit/or visited us, then asked us to drop plans to help, I must admit I would struggle to rush over and help. You can’t tell what the relationship is like from this thread, but I can guess from the ops tone that it’s not great normally. This is when horrible attitudes will come back and bite you on the bum.
I can't imagine not helping my child (who after all was the one trying to juggle helping an injured wife and small children) in an emergency situation just because I didn't like their partner.
Mumwithapub · 21/11/2020 17:02

@Guineapigbridge

This thread is making me feel like like maybe it's normal. For parents to not give a fuck?

your parents give fuck but you are an adult with children, sort your own basic affairs out.

Good god Guineapigbridge you really are one hard bitch! This is not an every day situation what can you do if you can't rely on family or friends in a situation like this. I think the kids of your kids come before the bloody pub & I run one. Blood is thicker than water but obviously you got antifreeze running in your body. I would be furious if a family member did this.
Mittens030869 · 21/11/2020 17:19

* I can't imagine not helping my child (who after all was the one trying to juggle helping an injured wife and small children) in an emergency situation just because I didn't like their partner.*

^This. It isn’t just about the OP. It was their DS who asked for their help!

Marjoriesdoor · 21/11/2020 18:54

It will be a cold day in Hell when I put a trip to the pub as a higher priority than the needs of a close family member with a medical emergency. Who on earth says no in that situation???

It was a broken leg not a bikini wax! Make sure you get them Baylis & Harding gift sets for Christmas for the rest of eternity. And give their heads a wobble while you are at it.

Hope your leg is on the mend.

formerbabe · 21/11/2020 18:57

Imagine meeting friends in a pub and they turned round and said to you "oh dil is badly injured, they asked us to watch the kids while they went to hospital but obviously we were coming here so couldn't help"...

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 21/11/2020 20:54

People use the word 'entitled' like it's always a bad thing. It isn't. We are entitled to certain things in life, such as basic human kindness, particularly from our families.

BloggersBlog · 21/11/2020 22:08

Guineapigbridge

This thread is making me feel like like maybe it's normal. For parents to not give a fuck?

your parents give fuck but you are an adult with children, sort your own basic affairs out

Ah yes, the old breaking your leg and not being able to get to hospital affair. An everyday occurrence. Idiotic comment

NewlyGranny · 21/11/2020 22:23

Christmas present for PiL sorted!

PIL huge dissapointment
Twigaletta · 21/11/2020 22:31

I don't agree that you should be expected to get over it/not hold a grudge. OK don't actively look for revenge or to square things with them in terms of letting them down. But honestly sod them! Don't go out of your way to help them and just treat them how they treated you.

Twigaletta · 21/11/2020 23:05

I've been thinking about this actually and I know if I phoned up my parents and said DH has broken his leg please can you come over and mind the DC there's no one else we can ask, my DM would be there in 50 minutes (even though it takes an hour!). My MIL would possibly do it for DH but if it was me I know it would be 'well, can't you get someone else to help? I'm [insert social activity any friend would understand her cancelling e.g. my tee time is in half an hour]' I asked her to mind my DC whilst I threw up with a bug when DC1 was terrible 2s and DC2 was bfing and clingy. She said she had to go shopping first but would be over about lunchtime. Ended up doing literally zero minding and just dusted my living room. Like that was the 'help' I needed! I built myself a little group of friends after that who could rely on me and I could rely on them. Sod the PILS!

Same with FIL. We asked him to help move something bulky but not heavy when I was 8 months pregnant. 'Can't Twig help you DH?' 'Errr not really Dad she's 8 months pregnant'. 'Well I suppose so (begrudgingly)' (This is a man whose job requires him to be physically fairly fit for his age). Your request was not unreasonable but now you know how the land lies just go with it. MIL had difficulty with a new piece of equipment and was moaning about it to DH. Normally that's the sort of thing I used to help her out with (more technically minded and patient than DH) I just stayed out of the conversation and didn't offer. She ended up getting some poor bloke in a shop to talk her through it. Oh well.

NiceGerbil · 21/11/2020 23:38

I'm still glad to see that most people actually don't think this behaviour is normal. The first set of responses was quite upsetting.

'I wouldn't have thought to ask anyone considering dh could only take you and drop you off. I don't really understand this thing where everyone expects people to drop everything for them'

Yes and that's how my parents feel. They have expected me to 'stand on my own 2 feet' since I was quite young.

On the few occasions I've asked them for help- they live 5 mins up the road. The answer has been no.

Their catch phases are.
You made your bed you now you have to lie in it
No one helped when you were babies. Why should we help you.

Some of the stuff they've done has left my friends shocked.

Early on in this thread, seemed that was all normal. I'm so glad for the more recent responses.

As for that quote. If I broke my leg, of course I wouldn't ask my parents for help. Nor his parents. I would think. Ok what do I do with the resources I have. Can't leave kids. Can't take kids. Can't walk etc. I think a cab probably? Would need to sweet talk them because maybe blood/ passing out. Affordable here though, near hosp. Further away? Yeah I'd do what op did. There's loads of people on our road who would look after the kids in an emergency. Like. I'd say about 19 different families.
The family at the top of the road. MY family. Not an option.

Yeah some really weird ideas.

If next door had an emergency and wanted me to look after their dog I'd do it. I do not like dogs at all! But to ask grandparents for help is wrong!

Yeah this is why I have such a formal relationship with my parents. If that's desirable, yay. I don't like it.

Good luck to those who wouldn't turn out for a broken limb for their kids. You're not the only ones. Your children will be VERY independent. And then you will wonder out loud why they never ask you for anything...!

AdobeWanKenobi · 21/11/2020 23:52

Tell you what though, for someone with a broken leg, and you'd assume now a fair bit of time on their hands, it's funny how they haven't come back to this thread isn't it?

MoonJelly · 22/11/2020 09:53

She has come back to the thread, @AdobeWanKenobi.

I'm slightly amazed that you think someone who broke her leg a few weeks ago and has two children under 3 has "a fair bit of time on her hands". You do know that a broken leg doesn't normally immobilise you for several weeks, don't you?

It's not as if it's a developing situation requiring updates, so I don't really understand what you expect.

Oldraver · 22/11/2020 10:04

I think you are entirely right to be disappointed in them ignore the miswery guts who think you should of skateborded there on your own

There seems to be more and more threads like this recently. Like others I would drop everything to help family

I would just remember this for the future. Though your DH had the ideal opportunity to say his peice

AdobeWanKenobi · 22/11/2020 10:12

@MoonJelly

She has come back to the thread, *@AdobeWanKenobi*.

I'm slightly amazed that you think someone who broke her leg a few weeks ago and has two children under 3 has "a fair bit of time on her hands". You do know that a broken leg doesn't normally immobilise you for several weeks, don't you?

It's not as if it's a developing situation requiring updates, so I don't really understand what you expect.

She has? Has she changed names then because I see nothing after the 19th?