PIL huge dissapointment

[Ilovepancakes6]

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

I'd have looked after my neighbours kids in this situation. (who I only say hi to and the kids are like 6 and 3) never mind family! I know family don't owe you anything but that is really self centered. Yes you had another option but of be quite scared and want some support.

I think there's a truth in what @NiceGerbil is saying. My mum has been great helping my sister since she had children, I don't have any. But there have definitely been times where I think, putting myself in their place I'd care more about adult children.

It's not about not being able to cope as an adult. It's about love and support and making life easier.

@DeciduousPerennial

“That's clearly someone who's never broken a bone.“

🙄 That’s a logical assumption to make (sarcasm)

I’m sure you’d have sat in the front seat with your broken leg and a couple of paracetamol. Why bother with the car? Just walk to hospital! Since a broken leg is really not that painful, doesn’t need to be kept as immobile as possible, and actually just stings a bit?

I honestly do despair of the race to the bottom on here sometimes. It’s farcical.

Yep I have broken a bone and transported people with broken bones to the hospital!

OP you know what to say as they get older and need you to drop everything and drive them to the doctor or pick up their shopping etc - "so sorry can't do it, leg hurts."

I can understand your feelings. You needed help, you didn't get it because they wanted a drink.

I think most would agree that a broken leg top trumps a pub visit.

Would I hold a grudge - possibly not.

Would I remember - yes.

Might it affect future relationship/ or aspects of - possibly yes.

Been there, done that - or at least similar.

My wife had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. At that time you feel alone, mind working overtime etc.

I called my parents, but just my mum in. Told her to be told fairly early in the conversation that my Dad was too busy and they couldn’t come over. I hadn't been asking for a visit - but to be told, effectively, that they couldn’t help wasn’t good.

For the first, and only time, I lost my rag with my mum. They visited the next day.

I don’t hold a grudge - but as you can read above I’ve not forgotten and I think it has affected the way I deal with certain topics with my Mum.

(Dad died some years ago now, Wife still going strong 16 years later)

My inlaws have let me down like this more than once. They’re the worlds most self absorbed insular people and I just don’t understand them.

I’d never lift a finger for them now which very much goes against my natural personality, bit if a rescuer and love sorting problems out.

NRTFT : no, this isn’t normal, I’d be disappointed and hurt too

They are utterly crap, OP, and I understand why you are disappointed in them. So much for family, huh.

I am shocked that so many people think this is normal.
Its not normal and this is why society is going down the shitter; because too many people think it is unreasonable to reach out to others.
So depressing.

I would probably have felt a bit annoyed, but holding it against them forever and 'not giving a flying f*ck about them' ever again is a strong over-reaction, unless it's part of a pattern of their never helping you. Especially as they didn't absolutely refuse: they said that they'd take you if you couldn't find anyone else.

It also depends on why they were going to the pub. It's different if they had a pre-arranged appointment with friends, versus if it's just part of their routine that they didn't like to vary.

And as pp have said, wouldn't it have been possible to take the kids in the car if there were no other possibilities?

@mum11970

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too. A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.

What utter nonsense. Have you ever broken a bone? When I broke my ankle you better believe it was excruciatingly painful, and I have a pretty high pain threshold. Plus you don't know whether it was a compound fracture, or whether there was a danger of the displaced bone damaging a nerve or an artery or cutting off circulation. Was OP supposed to risk making it worse by failing to elevate it, all to avoid the grandparents having to put off their pub visit?

They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else.

So, they didn't refuse - they just asked you to regard them as a last resort. That's a bit different from saying 'No way, we're off to to the pub'. You were able to make other arrangements but presumably if that hadn't been possible, your PIL would in fact have stepped in.

In view of that I think 'livid' is an overreaction.

And as pp have said, wouldn't it have been possible to take the kids in the car if there were no other possibilities?

If you can't RTFT, @ddl1, at least read the OP's posts. It wasn't possible due to the need to put her leg up on the back seat.

Tell them that you are really upset by their actions, the time when you called to take care of their grandchildren they were more interested in going to the pub than spending time with grandchildren and you find that very difficult to understand.

No need for drama just say how you feel

I don't understand why you needed someone else to have your children? My children are only 3 and 4, we'd have just taken them with us even if they were little. It wasn't a 7 hour trip or you falling seriously ill at 3am in the morning, you sound dramatic. Broken bone and you got dropped off, no need to interrupt other people's day.

I've watched my friends kids in an emergency (also broken bones). I'd absolutely do it for family. And I wouldn't faff around asking if they can't just take the kids with them.

Yes I consider your PIL behaviour poor.

I cannot imagine a scenario when I would go to the pub, rather than help out one of my children with my grandchildren so they could go to hospital. This was not a pre booked theatre ticket, weekend away or even a meal out. It was a trip to the pub. The pub! Imagine sitting swigging alchohol knowing you had let down your child. What could be the possible pleasure in that?

YANBU to be disappointed. However, I'm wondering if you heard DH asking them? Maybe he underplayed your injury or made it sound like they weren't really needed? Then they apologised after realising you'd actually broken your leg?

Or maybe I'm giving them too much credit there!

Did you break a bone OP? You just say "bone related"? Theres a massive difference between, say, breaking your femur and breaking a toe? Or maybe you didnt break it at all? Maybe you already had a cast on and it was just a bit tight? Who knows? Your post doesn't actually specify.
You could be one of those people who expects others to drop everything and come running, because you have stubbed your toe.
Do you ring them often for help?
That your husband thinks they have done nothing wrong is interesting as well.
Could you possibly be a bit of a drama lama?

How on earth could any parent enjoy a night in these circumstances? I don’t think yabu at all op. I would be very upset at this. But I would try to let it go as holding a grudge will only hurt you.

So, they didn't refuse - they just asked you to regard them as a last resort. That's a bit different from saying 'No way, we're off to to the pub'. You were able to make other arrangements but presumably if that hadn't been possible, your PIL would in fact have stepped in.

And in the meantime they've lost another hour ringing round all their friends and then ringing back to the PILs. If it were my son phoning me in this situation, I simply cannot imagine doing anything other than dropping everything and going, even if it were considerably more inconvenient than cancelling a pub visit. If anything, I'd probably leap at the chance to go to see my grandchildren.

OP, in your situation, I'm not sure that I would still be livid after several weeks. But this would have told me how far down on PILs' list of priorities my family came, and that would certainly affect things like how often I was prepared to see them, and how much I might be prepared to help them out if they asked.

They didn’t say they wouldn’t do it but already had plans so asked if you could find someone else first... you had a broken leg, you weren’t on deaths door.

Years ago I was very unwell. I arranged for my mum to come and look after the children ,and be there forme, while DH went to work for a meeting. My mum couldn’t make it until later on in the day as she had a hospital appointment but was getting the bus+train straight to ours after.
DH really struggled with the decision to ask him mum and was literally pacing with the stress as they really don’t like being asked to help out (when DD1 was born they said not to ask for help and they would offer when they wanted to help). DH called his mum (recently retired) but she refused as she was meeting a friend for coffee, even though it makes no difference it hurt even more that she was meeting her friend in my town which is about 20 mins from where she lives.
We asked for help because I was really ill, I ended up in hospital for a few days the after and had a second trimester miscarriage.

This happened before DS was born, he’s now 12 and we have never asked my in laws for help again.

Did you break a bone OP? You just say "bone related"?

No, she doesn't, @Serin. It says right there in the first line of the OP "broken bone".

Oh, I see it was a broken leg? That they managed to assess, x ray and fix and then you were back home in 3 hours???
I spent 10 years in orthopaedics, that unit must be the fastest unit in the world.

That's very disappointing they didn't help out, I can understand how you feel let down,

A broken leg, trip to hospital with 2 x young children to factor in and can't go with you, & them not helping is poor. Plus lying across the seat isn't ideal either.

Do your PILs help out at other times?

I hope your leg is on the mend, just put it down to the fact that you now know who you can and can't rely on in crises situations.