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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL huge dissapointment

390 replies

Ilovepancakes6 · 19/11/2020 01:12

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

OP posts:
ChickOnAStick · 19/11/2020 06:52

@HoppingPavlova

Sad and I am glad my own children will never feel I don't care about them when they're hurt or struggling.

There’s a line between not caring and assisting when someone (and especially your children no matter their age) is genuinely hurt and struggling versus expecting them to adult when they should be reasonable expected to do so. The greatest gift a parent can give us to equip their kids with the skills to do this, not enable uselessness - and then be there when genuinely needed.

Err They were genuinely needed. The OP broke her leg.
Quartz2208 · 19/11/2020 06:53

Some people don’t cope well with being put on the spot and instantly changing plans. Presumably it was all quite fast and chaotic and at that point without thinking they said no. Probably without thinking or grasping the seriousness of it
The key is I think once it had calmed down and they had time to think they realised they made the wrong decision and contacted you to say so and apologise. Given that yes I think you do need to move on and hope next time they will say yes

DeciduousPerennial · 19/11/2020 06:54

“A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful” 😂😂😂😂
Except for every time it’s knocked, moved, jarred etc. Jog on. It’s not the martyr olympics.

OP, YANBU.

HmmSureJan · 19/11/2020 06:55

The greatest gift a parent can give us to equip their kids with the skills to do this, not enable uselessness - and then be there when genuinely needed.

Yes this always gets trotted out on here as a reason to be harsh to your adult or teenage children.

Readytogogogo · 19/11/2020 06:56

A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol

Absolutely peak Mumsnet! Can't believe you didn't just stay at home with a few paracetamol for your broken leg op.

Can I just join the chorus of people appalled at the first page of responses. Were I in extreme pain I would not want to be badgered every second in the car by my children. This is exactly the sort of thing that families help with.

badpuma · 19/11/2020 06:57

@DeciduousPerennial

“A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful” 😂😂😂😂 Except for every time it’s knocked, moved, jarred etc. Jog on. It’s not the martyr olympics.

OP, YANBU.

That's clearly someone who's never broken a bone.
WitchOfTheWest · 19/11/2020 06:57

A lot of these responses are weird! I wonder what the reply's would have been if OP had written 'one of my PIL broke a leg and asked us to go and help but we said no cause we were going to the pub, WIBU?!'.

I'd be upset at their response too op. This is one to bank for if they ever need help!

lovelemoncurd · 19/11/2020 07:00

A broken bone is a medical emergency. It can cause pulmonary embolism too. I've seen it happen.

However all the more reason not to faff around with PIL. Just take the kids. YABU.

Silverstripe · 19/11/2020 07:00

Yanbu. My PILs would have been there instantly even if they’d been in the middle of something, as we would have been there for them. That is the entire purpose of family - that people have your back when you need help.

badpuma · 19/11/2020 07:01

"The greatest gift a parent can give us to equip their kids with the skills to do this, not enable uselessness - and then be there when genuinely needed."

True but it works both ways. Everyone is free to make their own choices but those choices come with consequences for future relationships. The PIL cannot say to the op that they won't change their pub plans and then expect the op to rearrange anything in the future to help them out.

The op may be kind enough to do it, but it's for the PILs to develop the skills they need to manage on their own into old age.

Schummakker · 19/11/2020 07:01

You’re not wrong to feel peeved. Surely that’s what family is for in these situations? I know that my family would never prioritise the pub over helping out even if it isn’t life or death. How people don’t get this is beyond me!

Schummakker · 19/11/2020 07:03

Evermore thankful for my family reading these comments. Hmm

Mamanyt · 19/11/2020 07:03

You are justified for being upset, although it would have been quicker to bring the children along. However, you are not being reasonable in holding on to your anger. Let me tell you what my Gran told me, and it has served me very well for many years. "Anger at others, hating others, is like eating rat poison and waiting for them to die." Let it go. Life is too short for resentment for a one-off. Especially with family. And make no mistake, when you marry another person, you marry their family, as well.

MsTSwift · 19/11/2020 07:05

Had similar with in laws. We asked them for one weekends childcare for a very important family event (all my family there who usually helped)gave them months and months of notice. They were in great health recently retired twiddling their thumbs. They pulled out for a laughable made up excuse “paperwork”. Dropped us right in it.

We never askd them for anything it was literally once. Can’t forget the one time we needed them they totally let us down.

NerrSnerr · 19/11/2020 07:07

A broken leg does make it different- do they know you couldn't take the children?

I think a lot of these posts do stem from people having to cope without someone who you can call and just come round so having to manage without.

MsTSwift · 19/11/2020 07:07

It was so bad that when mil told us they weren’t coming I thought she was joking. Sadly not 🙁. Thank goodness for lovely friends.

Mumbum2011 · 19/11/2020 07:09

My parents would've dropped anything to help out. It's really sad that people can't pull together and help others when they need it. Whilst I would try not to hold a grudge I think it would open my eyes to things and I'd be less likely to go out of my way to help them/ accommodate them.

DeciduousPerennial · 19/11/2020 07:09

“That's clearly someone who's never broken a bone.“

🙄 That’s a logical assumption to make (sarcasm)

I’m sure you’d have sat in the front seat with your broken leg and a couple of paracetamol. Why bother with the car? Just walk to hospital! Since a broken leg is really not that painful, doesn’t need to be kept as immobile as possible, and actually just stings a bit?

I honestly do despair of the race to the bottom on here sometimes. It’s farcical.

badpuma · 19/11/2020 07:12

@DeciduousPerennial

“That's clearly someone who's never broken a bone.“

🙄 That’s a logical assumption to make (sarcasm)

I’m sure you’d have sat in the front seat with your broken leg and a couple of paracetamol. Why bother with the car? Just walk to hospital! Since a broken leg is really not that painful, doesn’t need to be kept as immobile as possible, and actually just stings a bit?

I honestly do despair of the race to the bottom on here sometimes. It’s farcical.

You misinterpreted me. I was responding to the post you'd quoted. I agree with you. Sorry it wasn't clear.
Silverstripe · 19/11/2020 07:14

A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol

Sorry but this really made me snort with laughter. This person has either never broken a bone or is incapable of even a basic level of empathy.

I’ve broken my wrist, shoulder, rib and several toes. Never as significant a break as a leg and can assure you every single one was spectacularly painful. Luckily my family are not psychopaths, so instead of being told to pop a paracetamol and get on with it, I was given help and support.

Mumsnet is a weird place sometimes. In the real world it is not normal for families to treat being asked for help as an unforgivable imposition. Most people aren’t of the view that the most desirable state of living is pure independence where nobody ever needs any kind of support from another person. In real life, we are connected and we rely on one another when things are tough. There is a trend on mumsnet to treat absolute independence as a virtue and the expectation of help in an emergency as a weakness - or worse, evidence of entitled behaviour - but it’s very unlike the way the world works in real life.

DeciduousPerennial · 19/11/2020 07:14

Sorry, I shall make myself a cup of tea and I’ll agree with you. My second post can also be aimed at the person who thinks people can have a broken bone and it not really be that painful!

upsidedownwavylegs · 19/11/2020 07:15

Love when people justify their shit parenting with ‘teaching them how to adult’. You’re teaching them that you’re a horrible selfish arse, nothing else.

TooTrueToBeGood · 19/11/2020 07:16

I get you OP. It's not just about whether you and DH might have had other options, it's about showing that they care. If people I care about call to say they need my help then I'm there, I don't start looking for excuses or get-outs.

That said, I see too many people jumping to judge and disconnect from their PILs and I think it is extremely unhealthy in a relationship. They are your DH's parents, perfect or not. If he is happy to forgive and forget I would encourage you to do the same. You'll just create unnecessary friction and your children and your husband will inevitably get caught in the fallout. Be the bigger person rather than stooping to their level.

FiveShelties · 19/11/2020 07:20

@mum11970

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too. A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.
Wow - just when you think you have read the most bizarre posts on MN someone pops up and betters it.
Time4change2018 · 19/11/2020 07:21

I'd be disappointed. We were heading into lockdown by the timeline you've given so probably their lady drink out and they didn't want to give up some of that time. Very selfish imo. Reliving you and their son of the additional stress of little ones surely is a natural and obvious thing to do.

Don't hold on to the annoyance it's not good for you. But patk it to remember in time to come. Treat as you've been treated