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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

PIL huge dissapointment

390 replies

Ilovepancakes6 · 19/11/2020 01:12

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

OP posts:
Serin · 19/11/2020 08:08

"Broken bone related" can mean anything from open fracture to an itch down a cast!

MoonJelly · 19/11/2020 08:10

@IceFrost

They didn’t say they wouldn’t do it but already had plans so asked if you could find someone else first... you had a broken leg, you weren’t on deaths door.
MN is so weird. FFS, what normal parent would really demand that their DIL be at death's door before they would contemplate putting off a pub visit in order to help their son and grandchildren in an emergency?

And when they do demand just that, should they really be surprised if it had a bit of an adverse effect on their relationship with said DIL?

Meatshake · 19/11/2020 08:11

I think this would severely damage my relationship with my parents, they need to get a grip and think about their priorities.

Stupid thing is they weren't being asked not to go to the pub ever again, just to delay their night out for an hour or so whilst husband dropped off OP.

I know no one is obligated to do anything, but if you can't act like family in a mini-crisis then you don't get treated like family IMO. It's not just the Kodak moments, it's the other adversity and bullshit that binds.

There's some right nutters on here. 🤷

Aneley · 19/11/2020 08:11

Thankfully I don't know many families who would dismiss broken bone with 'take paracetamol' and whilst in severe pain have toddlers scream in the car at you for 45 mins to the hospital and back. My family would be there. And so would DHs. YANBU in my opinion.

However, I wouldn't hold a grudge. I'd remember it but they obviously feel bad about it and called to apologize so for the sake of family relations I'd try to get past it.

MoonJelly · 19/11/2020 08:12

@Serin

"Broken bone related" can mean anything from open fracture to an itch down a cast!
But she doesn't say "broken bone related". And she says it was a medical emergency. Do you seriously believe she needed to go urgently to hospital with her leg elevated due to an itch down the cast?
HeadNorth · 19/11/2020 08:12

@Serin

Oh, I see it was a broken leg? That they managed to assess, x ray and fix and then you were back home in 3 hours??? I spent 10 years in orthopaedics, that unit must be the fastest unit in the world.
Bollocks - they don't fix a broken leg on the first visit, they often put a temporary cast on and wait to xray again in around a week when the swelling has gone down to see if any bones have been shifted when the imflammation subsided.

Don't chat shit to put an OP down.

I am a horse rider from a horsey family, I have much experience of broken bones and would help out a fellow rider, let alone my child, over a trip to the boozer any day.

Meatshake · 19/11/2020 08:13

Fuckinell OP, just a broken leg? Walk it orf love, I've just ordered a pint o stella 🤣

On what planet is that normal?

Silverstripe · 19/11/2020 08:13

Could you possibly be a bit of a drama lama?

Could you possibly RTFT?

ElsieMc · 19/11/2020 08:14

Well at least you know where you stand now op. Not the worst I have heard, but selfish and unkind at best. Plans with friends? Surely family take precedence and you are also linking it to where your children stand in the scheme of things.

My dm was just awful like this so I understand. When I asked her to help out whilst I attended my post natal check up, I got as far as her door with dd when she turned me away in tears because she didn't want to do it. She had spent the previous 6 weeks or so telling me how to look after dd and what I was doing wrong!

It isn't worth a huge fall out. Im pretty sure DH knows how you feel but he has absolved them of any blame now so they need not feel any guilt.

Silverstripe · 19/11/2020 08:15

Bollocks - they don't fix a broken leg on the first visit, they often put a temporary cast on and wait to xray again in around a week when the swelling has gone down to see if any bones have been shifted when the imflammation subsided.

This was my experience with my wrist too. Was out within a couple of hours in a temporary brace, went back 2 days later to have it set.

timeisnotaline · 19/11/2020 08:15

@WitchOfTheWest

A lot of these responses are weird! I wonder what the reply's would have been if OP had written 'one of my PIL broke a leg and asked us to go and help but we said no cause we were going to the pub, WIBU?!'.

I'd be upset at their response too op. This is one to bank for if they ever need help!

Yes this. You could add it’s not like they have young dc they need to look after so this one is a no brainer. No idea why 70yo mil would call just for a bloody broken leg, that woman is so needy. Im not pandering to that, theres a seat at the pub with my name on it.

This thread is batshit, it should go to classics as evidence of peak mumsnet thou shalt not ask for help nor accept it save it for when genuinely needed (what, like a nuclear bomb strike?)

I don’t think any posters contemplated the op might need help into the hospital that couldn’t be done with small children. I’d write my pil off if they went to the pub instead. It’s not so much holding a grudge as recognising I am nothing to them, so I should act accordingly.

badpuma · 19/11/2020 08:16

@Serin

Did you break a bone OP? You just say "bone related"? Theres a massive difference between, say, breaking your femur and breaking a toe? Or maybe you didnt break it at all? Maybe you already had a cast on and it was just a bit tight? Who knows? Your post doesn't actually specify. You could be one of those people who expects others to drop everything and come running, because you have stubbed your toe. Do you ring them often for help? That your husband thinks they have done nothing wrong is interesting as well. Could you possibly be a bit of a drama lama?
Her second post gives more information. I know it's a lot to expect people to read both, but it does sometimes help.
Simplyunacceptable · 19/11/2020 08:16

I can’t imagine putting the pub before my children, however old they were. YANBU OP, they were selfish.

OverTheRainbow88 · 19/11/2020 08:16

If they didn’t come as were covid worried I would understand, going to the pub is bloody rude.
I wouldn’t bother with them much anymore either

saraclara · 19/11/2020 08:17

@Serin

Oh, I see it was a broken leg? That they managed to assess, x ray and fix and then you were back home in 3 hours??? I spent 10 years in orthopaedics, that unit must be the fastest unit in the world.
I was home in three hours in similar circumstances. Back the next day for the permanent cast, but yep.

Anyway OP is there more than meets the eye to the pub visit? Friend visiting from far away or anything? That's the only scenario I can think of that would make them hesitate.

MoonJelly · 19/11/2020 08:17

@Serin

Oh, I see it was a broken leg? That they managed to assess, x ray and fix and then you were back home in 3 hours??? I spent 10 years in orthopaedics, that unit must be the fastest unit in the world.
A&E is extra quiet these days. People tend to avoid going there unless they absolutely have to, hence people are reporting unusually quick service.
Hocuspocusandfairies · 19/11/2020 08:17

I completely understand. I had a similar issue a few years ago where I had a miscarriage and MIL was going to sit with the kids so DH could come to the hospital with me but she changed her mind at the last minute. I ended up going alone and it was very serious. I can't forget and to this day it causes problems with DH and I as he can move past that but I can't.
Hope you're feeling better OP

C8H10N4O2 · 19/11/2020 08:19

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too.
A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin

Someone's been overdosing on the Monty Python

MeowMeowLikeACow · 19/11/2020 08:19

What sad lives some people Mumsnet must have: Those who think this behaviour is normal and those who are determined to find holes in OP's story.

YANBU OP. It must have been very upsetting for you.

OverTheRainbow88 · 19/11/2020 08:21

@Serin

My husband went in to a&e, had an X-ray, stitches and tetanus jab in 50min last week

LG101 · 19/11/2020 08:21

If I had broken a bone and was in loads of pain, trying to get lots of small kids out the door if they are tired / need nappy changes / need snacks or dinner. Of course it would be easier to leave them at home.

My family are very similar and I feel like they don’t care. I can’t change them but i have decided I will be there for my kids more when they are older.

I hate this “I’ve done my time raising kids shit it’s not my problem”

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 19/11/2020 08:25

I wouldn’t bother holding a grudge- people that dense probably wouldn’t notice anyway. I would however remember this the next time they need help with anything that isn’t urgent (like needing to go to hospital) and not be in a massive hurry to help out or return their calls.

Gunpowder · 19/11/2020 08:28

My DPs would be round in minutes in this situation, so would my sisters. Dunno about MIL but we don’t talk to her anymore. (There were a lot of additional problems), I know I would have asked friends for help over her.

In your situation I would be hurt and upset too. YANBU to feel like that! However, ultimately you can’t change people or make them want to help you. I think you either have to accept them for who they are and lower your expectations of them in the future; decide you can’t live with it and distance yourself (whether that’s emotionally or by not seeing them as much/at all); or be honest and tell them that actually it was really hard and you would have appreciated their help hugely and so you feel a bit hurt, (next time please will they think again, you promise not to ask unless it’s an emergency.) They sound like they regret it rather than being defensive. I think there’s hope. Flowers

LlamaofDrama · 19/11/2020 08:29

My ILs wouldn't second guess the request, they'd know we'd asked because we wanted them to help. So would my DPs, and so would my sister. Without a second thought. And actually, so would several friends. As I did last week when a friend needed taking to the hospital to her daughter.

In my life people help other people. It's just what you do. I'd be very hurt if people that I thought cared about me and my family couldn't change a plan to help when needed.

Inkpaperstars · 19/11/2020 08:31

For goodness sake it was the pub, not their other child's wedding they were missing. I would be very unimpressed OP. I can hardly believe it!

They are free to do what they want of course, but this is revealing and for me would affect the relationship.

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