PIL huge dissapointment

[Ilovepancakes6]

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

MN is overly chilled out in my opinion. I’d be pretty pissed OP!

I mean you’d broken a bone and needed emergency treatment. Their priority was going to the pub. I would not get into a row over it but you best believe they’d be getting a frosty cold shoulder from me for the foreseeable future.

You don’t need to say anything really, it’s obvious they know they behaved badly and will no doubt be sensitive now to how you react. Just don’t make them feel better about it and let them stew in their awkward uncomfortable guilt.

To those saying ‘why didn’t you just put the toddlers in the car?’ It’s the middle of a lockdown, the OP was no doubt in a lot of pain and had no idea how long the visit would be. Bringing along small children tanks your flexibility completely.

I wouldn't waste energy being livid but I wouldn't do anything for them ever again - they can be DHs problem from now on. Not a gift, not a favour, I wouldn't cook for them, nothing. They obviously don't see you as a priority so why should you care about them

This thread is one of the weirdest I’ve ever seen on here

It’s absolutely weird to decline to help a family member because you are going to the pub. Christ, it’s weird to decline helping a friend or neighbour in that situation because you are going to the pub.

I’m with you @Ilovepancakes6 - I’d be seriously pissed off. Never ask them for anything again and remember it if they ask for anything. Going forward they’d get civility from me and nothing more

I had a broken leg and needed to lay across the back seat of car to hospital, otherwise would have taken kids with us.

I’d be livid and upset too. I’d expect my family to help and likewise I’d help out my family out. I’d be even more pissed off because they went to the pub. They could easily have sacrificed that! YANBU.

@Ilovepancakes6 ouch. That is excruciating. And YANBU to be angry and upset. Their priority was the pub, over helping out in an emergency.

I think you are within your your right to be pissed off, I would be.

God there are some weirdos on this thread! Of course they should have helped, selfish arseholes!

@Ilovepancakes6 a broken leg is a big deal! I'd be really sad, disappointed and angry that any one who is meant to be family did not rush to help.

This thread! Has the fact that covid ensures patients have no guests and even die alone turned your heads? This is not normal. Even strangers might get tested better than this.

Alternate reality.

That's awful OP. I can't imagine saying no to a request like that. Th way should be ashamed of themselves. All the people saying it's only a bone break and can be managed with paracetamol are in the same category as PILS and a miserable selfish bunch.

What the ever-loving fuck am I reading here?

Even without the update, even if it was a break in her pinkie toe. Even if the ‘pub night’ was actually the publican handing over the keys to your PIL’s new business venture. Even if it was their first chance out of the house to have a drink after a 9 month lockdown (as it happens to be here, where I live). Even without Covid being a factor with hospital visits...

It is reasonable for OP to expect quasi-immediate help with the little ones or a lift for herself from close family. End of.

I’m all for ‘we can all live harmoniously with different opinions and norms’ but this thread is my line in the sand.

OP, feel free to use your ‘leg pain’ to prohibit any further help their way. Since that’s how their idea of family rolls. Jeeeesh.

Honestly the responses are baffling. Have any of you tried to do anything quickly with two under 3s lately?? The poor OP had a broken bone and wanted some minor practical support whilst in pain and the family she reached out to didn't want to push plans out by less than an hour.

Not surprised you feel let down. I think though it's just one of those disappointing truths you've uncovered - they have different priorities and will put themselves first, no matter how much they say or like to think they'll be there for you. Sadly you need to expect less of them going forward to save yourself future disappointment.

Hope the leg is feeling better, it must be so hard to manage two small ones with a broken leg!?

Bloody hell. My parents offer to have the kids at the drop of a hat so I can go round Tesco without them. They come round several times a week sometimes if work is busy or the kids and me are meant to be in 3 different places. Sometimes they have them for a few hours just to give me a break. When our kitchen was unusable for 6 weeks, we had dinner there every night. They moved hundreds of miles to be near us after ex fucked off and left all the parenting to me. I can't imagine them ever saying no to a situation like the OPs.. Especially not to go to the pub. I agree re not holding grudges as it does no good and you've said they felt bad but YANBU to be upset.

@mum11970

I can’t believe you wanted to ruin your pil plans just because you didn’t want to put the kids in the car. Sounds like taking the kids would’ve been the quicker option too. A broken bone isn’t generally excruciatingly painful and is usually managed with a paracetamol, unless you’re going to drip feed it was a nasty break and was through the skin.

This is one of the silliest posts I have ever read on MN. OP breaks a bone and her PIL went to the pub instead of helping but OP is a selfish cow for trying to ruin their plans? Right.

I'm with you @NiceGerbil. My parents were cold and uncaring too and you'd hope that most weren't that way but MN shows me repeatedly that there are loads of out there. Sad and I am glad my own children will never feel I don't care about them when they're hurt or struggling.

None of this makes much sense. And yes, I am very familiar with many broken bones, treated every permutation available.

If it’s that bad that you can’t travel safely in a car (more chance of dying in an accident on the way and are not properly secured as opposed to dying from a broken leg) then an ambulance takes you. We don’t want to treat a car accident victim who has gone flying, we’d rather just the broken leg thanks. I’ve had a few of mine as adults who have broken limbs including a knee and a leg, along with arm and clavicle and no way would I allow lying down across the back or unsecured in the front - in that case they can be bused in but as it stands I’ve just got them to go sitting upright, everyone’s survived. If it was in and out in 3hrs it was not bad.

If it was me no way would I have phoned anyone, sounds like a 25min run in at most to the hospital if your DH was only going to be gone for 45 in total. At present he can only drop and run anyway. I wouldn’t have put anyone out for that let alone people with plans let alone livid with anyone for thinking it could be easily managed yourselves.

To the poster who was shocked at being given paracetamol, you will be in for a big surprise if you visit A&E with a standard break, you will be lucky to get any more than that as it’s pretty standard.

MN is another planet. The OP broke a bone. She was probably in a huge amount of pain and needed her husband not to have care of two toddlers while she was seen to. Her PIL were being selfish arseholes and she is rightly livid. No, they didn’t have to come. But she doesn’t have to show any consideration for them in the future either.

Oh and OP, it would be a long while before I was on friendly terms with them again.

YANBU, I knew there had to be a reason that you couldn't just put the children in the car, I did wonder if you needed to lay down across the back seats.

I think you should keep this in mind, that when you really needed them, when you were going to hospital, that they chose to go to the pub instead. Going forward I would treat them with the same priority as they showed you. Disappointed with your Dh's it is fine. Clearly it is not fine with you and nor should it be fine with him.

My PIL got in a car at 10pm to drive 1 hour to my house when I needed to go to hospital as Ds1 was asleep upstairs, my Mum couldn't make the same journey as she was babysitting my sister's children, my sister was at a concert. It is what you do when you are needed.

I hope you are healing well

My parents and PIL would on paper do anything for us. In reality, MIL is disabled and FIL is a grumpy arse who complains about everything. My own mum has her own MH issues and is genuinely useless in a crisis. Given enough notice she can help look after the DC now they are old enough to only require moderate supervision. She also can't drive. My dad is generally able to assist, but isn't in the best of health these days so I'd avoid trying to ring him at night etc.

So yes, they do care etc. But in these sorts of situations, usually we would just crack on with things ourselves.

If they had been/were going to the pub, I would have assumed they had been drinking. Is this why they didn't come perhaps?

They obviously didn't get that it was an emergency and that you actually had a broken leg. They should have offered to help and know this and that is why they feel bad. I would let it go. There is nothing to be gained from causing a row. I think that they are fully aware that they have not covered themselves with glory here!

Sad and I am glad my own children will never feel I don't care about them when they're hurt or struggling.

There’s a line between not caring and assisting when someone (and especially your children no matter their age) is genuinely hurt and struggling versus expecting them to adult when they should be reasonable expected to do so. The greatest gift a parent can give us to equip their kids with the skills to do this, not enable uselessness - and then be there when genuinely needed.

That’s crap behaviour. I’d drop anything to help my kids as would my parents.

I don’t have a particularly close relationship with my family but I know they’d help if asked.

I wouldn’t hold a grudge but I’d never ask them for anything again. They felt bad so know they were in the wrong.

You can't have toddlers racing around a&e for 3 hours give your heads a wobble mumsnetters.
Id tell the inlaws to drop dead from now on. Clearly the pub is more important than a crisis. Tossers.

My parents would, and have, dropped everything to be there for me and they live 2.5 hours away.

But my mum used to say that she was always surprised that so many of the women with younger kids said their parents never helped them out with anything. So that does seem to be more the norm than not.

But while upset is normal, life really is too short for being livid or holding grudges. There is nothing to be achieved by that.

@HoppingPavlova - have you broken a bone recently (rather than just treated them). Round here, the wait for an ambulance for a broken ankle in a Sunday afternoon was over 4 hours.

We didn't drive the person to hospital as we could see from the angle of the foot and leg that it was a very very bad break, but if it was cleaner, absolutely someone would have driven rather than wait for ages for an ambulance.

We were told a 4 hours wait for an ambulance is good btw for non life threatening injuries. It can be substantially more.