Row with DH over toddler clothes...

[WeeWelshWoman]

This morning, my husband wanted to put our toddler in exactly the same jeans and jumper he wore yesterday (changed vest and t-shirt). I asked him to at least change the jumper because otherwise it looked like we were sending our child out in exactly the same clothes two days in a row.

He got huffy and said it was insane when I said sometimes other mums/ nursery staff may talk and I just wanted the jumper swapped. That he could wear it on the weekend instead if it was ok.

My husband thinks that other parents never comment on children wearing the same clothes two or three days in a row. I disagree (memories from school and being bullied about it). I pointed out that as a guy, any negative comments would never be made towards him, but to me.

He says I'm putting my experiences on our son. I agree, to a point, but I want to stop this lazy just grabbing the nearest items that sort of look clean enough habit now, before it does become an issue.

For reference, I was a free school meals kid for most of my childhood. My husband is from a much pushed background and went to boarding school. I think this may have impacted his view on this.

AIBU to not want my son to go to nursery in exactly the same clothes two or three days in a row?

I'm not adverse to reusing clean clothes. I just don't want him visibly in the same outfit.

@TerribleLizard

It’s unfair to say OP is projecting her insecurities, because she is simply responding logically to her experience. People who are less well off get judged for things that more well off people don’t get judged for. The only reason OP wouldn’t need to worry about this is if she now comes across as better off.

Women often get treated differently for doing exactly the same thing a man does. This is no different. It’s great if you grew up never being judged for things like this, but it isn’t in OP’s head.

I don’t think anyone is saying this is in OPs head.

But, OP is allowing her childhood bullying experience to dominate day to day decisions many years later and cause disagreements with her DH

She is using a crystal ball to imagine not only what other parents are doing (talking behind her back?) but what her husbands approach will be in a few years time (he won’t change).

Much healthier for the OP to address the (totally understandable) anxiety that the bullying brings out, otherwise it is going to cause her a lot of stress at the school gates and in her marriage in the years to come.

Just read that you had a talk about it. That’s great!

I'm very much working class and I don't give a toss what other parents think of me.

They would get very short shrift if any "comments" were directed towards me.

If the clothes were clean yabu and your DH was right.

I am not sure your husband's reaction was about wearing something two days in a row (suspect he didn't notice) but is it possible he took it as criticism of him - ie you didn't dress our son properly?

My dd3 is just four. She is obsessed with the same outfit. I wash it at night if it’s filthy so she will get dressed easily the next day - as in as soon as she wakes up she gets dressed then comes down stairs. This makes my life easier.

If anyone remarked on it I’d question why the hell it was their business tbh.

I agree with you, I wouldn't re use an outfit two days running

Yabu nobody notices. It's why school uniforms are a good idea (if basic and cheap)

I'm with your husband on this one.

This a sign of u security which is why people with more money are more likely to dress their kids on cheaper clothes because they don't have a need to be validated about their financial worth.

It's all about confidence. As such,I'd be more likely to judge someone on lower income dressing their kids with expensive outfits than the other way around. In reality, I don't really care, clothing is so overated.

@lottiegarbanzo

This is a deeply class-based issue. The 'correct' answer depends upon the area you live in now.

If it's WC / lower MC (like your background) then yes, people like you might be similarly obsessed with clothes looking new and pristine and might notice. If it's middle MC and upward no-one will care. They will be more concerned about quality and suitability than appearance and will happily wear hand-me-downs and send DC to pre-school in old, scruffy clothes, suitable for the purpose of playing and getting covered in paint.

At school he'll wear uniform surely, so he probably will wear the same jumper every day, same as everyone else!

I’ve got to agree with this.

I grew up in a council estate. Mothers took great pride in making sure their kids were spotless and not a hair out of place at school.

I was shocked when my dc started at rural independent school as a lot of the kids looked like they had just fell out of bed. Hair sticking up/matted, shirt not buttoned up properly, holes in jumpers

We’re now at a town centre prep where every thing is sensible...

You’re right. He needs to wear clean clothes for nursery at least. If he goes in the same clothes that are dirty they’ll likely record as a concern.

Same jeans is fine if they’re unmarked but he shouldn’t be coming home clean from nursery 😂

I came from nothing and my parents managed to work and get me to boarding school.....in my experience the super posh rich kids are filthy, and so are their houses!

If it's clean it doesn't matter. If it was such an issue why didn't you just change the jumper yourself?
The staff don't sit around talking about the fact this child wore the same outfit for 2 days. I bet the parents don't either, I never remembered what other children were wearing the day before.
Sorry, I get it's to do with your past but you're being unreasonable and possibly creating issues for your son if you carry on.

Why would you add to the laundry? If the clothes are clean enough to wear another day let him wear them and congratulate yourself on less work.

He's a toddler, his under clothes are clean every day - who cares what anyone else thinks if he has the same jumper for two or more days?

Jumpers are the things reused most often in our house. My DC has carried the same jumper in her bag all week... Finally deigned to put it on today, so will put a clean one in her bag tomorrow... We generally have a jumper/cardigan hanging around having been worn for 10 minutes before we've warmed up/the heating has kicked in.

This is why I'm glad that my daughters nursery has a uniform, she wears the same 'outfit' everyday and it takes all the worry (I too was mercilessly bullied throughout school so I can understand where you are coming from) out of it, I just go to my big pile of uniform and bung it on her. Job done.

She doesn't normally keep her jumper/cardigan clean enough for a second day (paint, glue and mud is a regular fixture in my laundry pile) and her leggings and polo shirt are a write off but if it was clean enough I'd definitely get a second wear out of it.

I don’t think anyone but you notices or cares what your kid is wearing. YABU.

Seriously, OP, people don't notice or care about things half as much as you think they do.

DH one time dressed DD1 from the "too small" clothes pile I'd put aside for nursery. She has also gone in her PJs after refusing to get dressed or to allow me to.

I think the different backgrounds is relevant. I always put my kids in new Next / M&S etc.
My husband hates this and would prefer to dress them from charity shops or his old clothes from the 1980s.
We're from similar backgrounds to you. I've seen it in other people too, posh people wear old clothes and actively distain/ despise new clothes. This is more obvious with their attitude to children's clothes.

I'm with you on this although I am aware I probably over think these things. To be honest DD is in such a state after nursery that nothing is reusable anyway. Leggings, bodysuits and top layer go straight in the wash every day. A cardigan or jumper over other clothes for warmth but not necessarily worn for the whole day I would/have sent her in on consecutive days though. I apply the same rules to my own clothes too although sometimes my trousers go more days (less often at the mo courtesy of aforementioned toddler!).

He doesn’t need to agree, he should just appreciate your feelings.

I disagree - he's an equal parent and should be challenging behaviour that has a negative impact on his child. In this case the issue is that OP has negative connotations based on childhood experiences - it's not that wearing the same clothes 2 days running is a particular problem.

I'm a Brownie leader. We used to to have a girl whose mother was so concerned about cleanliness that she used to wash her hands pretty much every time she touched anything. She also used to do things such as refuse to climb over stiles (both too dirty and too dangerous in mother's opinion). Her father openly admitted that he'd gone along with the mother's behaviour for a quiet life, but wished he'd challenged it as he could now see it had such a negative influence on their child.

@Coldwinds

My dd3 is just four. She is obsessed with the same outfit. I wash it at night if it’s filthy so she will get dressed easily the next day - as in as soon as she wakes up she gets dressed then comes down stairs. This makes my life easier.

If anyone remarked on it I’d question why the hell it was their business tbh.

If I like an item of clothing or shoes I buy more than one of them. Sometimes I buy various colours but often I buy the same colour. I have gotten amused by people thinking that I'm wearing the same item without washing it for a week.

My DD, who is 2, likes wearing the same jumper/cardigan/shoes days in a row. I guess I'm going to have to do the same for her....

@BabyLlamaZen Totally agree with you! DH has a real thing about how DD must always looks nice but if the jumper from the previous day is clean (once in a blue moon with a toddler!) I have no issues with her wearing it again, but DH wouldn’t be happy with this. DH is from a low income background and interestingly his mum makes a big deal about what she wears and how she looks is so important (she forgot her straighteners when she visited and refused to go out because she couldn’t straighten her hair! Her hair was fine but she needed it straight!)

If clean no problem. What about situation where you have bought 3or 4 pairs of pants the same or tops. Do you number them so everyone knows it is not the same item of clothing two days running? Different thing if child wears same soiled clothing each day.

As a teacher I know that in school and nursery they would make a note (regarding safeguarding) if the child was coming to school in dirty clothes rather than the same clothes. (This wouldn't however be acted upon unless it became a pattern).
With this in mind I’d be like you and change it to another jumper, wear that one on Saturday if it’s got another day in it before it needs washing.

I don’t think the posh but scruffy thing rings true. You always hear on here that rich people are plodding around looking a mess. Some do but I think it is a fallacy that gets trotted out too much. Most of the children at the local preps and senior independent schools look immaculate. At any class with pre-schoolers, most of the children are in JoJo or Boden. They might look a bit scruffy or covered in mud but those children aren’t in threadbare clothes. I think hair is more of a divider.