Row with DH over toddler clothes...

[WeeWelshWoman]

This morning, my husband wanted to put our toddler in exactly the same jeans and jumper he wore yesterday (changed vest and t-shirt). I asked him to at least change the jumper because otherwise it looked like we were sending our child out in exactly the same clothes two days in a row.

He got huffy and said it was insane when I said sometimes other mums/ nursery staff may talk and I just wanted the jumper swapped. That he could wear it on the weekend instead if it was ok.

My husband thinks that other parents never comment on children wearing the same clothes two or three days in a row. I disagree (memories from school and being bullied about it). I pointed out that as a guy, any negative comments would never be made towards him, but to me.

He says I'm putting my experiences on our son. I agree, to a point, but I want to stop this lazy just grabbing the nearest items that sort of look clean enough habit now, before it does become an issue.

For reference, I was a free school meals kid for most of my childhood. My husband is from a much pushed background and went to boarding school. I think this may have impacted his view on this.

AIBU to not want my son to go to nursery in exactly the same clothes two or three days in a row?

I'm not adverse to reusing clean clothes. I just don't want him visibly in the same outfit.

I can see both sides but I'm with you OP I put my son in clean clothes everyday. Trousers/leggings or a hoody that's been off and on might get reworn if we're pottering around indoors but I would never consider nursery clothes clean after a day of wear. In fact, my son's nursery has requested that, at the moment, due to Covid, fresh clothes be worn every day as a preventative measure. There's normally some form of mud/food/paint aon his clothes post nursery and he always comes home with a bit of a nursery smell - I think it's the food!
I do think our back grounds have an impact. Growing up, despite working full time, money was always tight for my mum. Shopping involved charity shops and sale rails. I know I'm terrible at always wanting my two to have brand new clothes and am reluctant to by second hand. For me that's a hang back of my childhood.

I thought that school/nursery children were supposed to wear clean clothes daily and have worn clothes washed because of Covid???
My school definitely had this written into the guidelines and my yr 11 daughter changes her clothes as soon as she comes in and I wash them.
Even without Covid, I wouldn't send a child into nursery in the same clothes on consecutive days but I might if we were just messing around at home I suppose.
My kid's clothes were never really clean enough!!!

[quote WeeWelshWoman]@Shoxfordian they probably don't at nursery, but they do later at school. I remember being bullied by girls who said their mums said I was too poor to have more than one outfit. I know he's a little away from that, but my DH is somewhat resistant to change, if he gets in to it's ok to wear exactly the same thing two or three days in a row now - he'll keep doing that all through primary school.

I just don't think asking to have a different jumper was a big deal. My husband and I also have different views on clean. He'll grab stuff that I can see is visibly stained and say it smells ok (not the case this morning). Or, 'it'll just get messy later'. I'd rather just have something clean from the offset.[/quote]
Most schools these days have uniform to avoid this kind of thing.

I think you're projecting too much of your own experience on your child and he's going to grow up caring too much what other people think. Do you want him to go through life being a people pleaser? No one cares if he wears the same jumper two days in a row - what nursery staff will be looking at from a safeguarding point view is clothing that's not been washed for weeks on end, or for signs the child is going hungry and is neglected. Clearly your little boy is none of those things, so don't worry!

YABVU

Your child is 2- nobody will be bullying him for wearing the same clothes 2 days in a row at that age. I doubt other parents will notice, especially if the clothes are clean- I certainly would not notice or care even if I did. Nursery staff might possibly notice, I suppose, but if the clothes are clean and he is well cared for then they will not care less. If they do, you have a more fundamental problem because you are sending your child to the wrong nursery

My children certainly wore (and still wear) clothes that are clean for more than one day. So do I, come to that. Why give yourself more work, waste water and electricity and possibly reduce the lifespan of your clothes by over washing them?

I think your husband is right are projecting your experiences into your child. You need to try to learn to manage this, or you will end up very anxious over unimportant things and pass those fears onto your child. I mean that as nicely as possible. I have a friend who was bullied at school, from what she has said it was awful, and now she has children it is causing issues for her and her children. She misinterprets all sorts of things as bullying, is hyper-vigilant for it and sees innocent misdemeanours or one off bad behaviour as malicious and will mark that child down as a bully to be avoided. Sometimes she will also try to get other parents to agree with her and gets angry when we don’t. It’s causing issues in our friendship. Many parents avoid her, i and other friends avoid doing anything with her and her children because of her reaction to little things, It’s exhausting for me at times, so I can only imagine how it must be for her. Her children are struggling with friendships, and I do feel it is at least in part because of her paranoia about bullying and the way she has taught them to be vigilant for bullying. They are not happy, confident children. I think, sadly, this is going to make it more likely they will be bullied (not that I am excusing it if they are unfortunate enough to the victim of bullying). I am not sayIn you are as extreme as this, OP, but you do heed to nip it in the bud. Care less about what others think would be my advice.

Also, if I was your DH I wouldn’t be too happy about being instructed to change a jumper that I had decided was clean (and you say it was clean, so he was right). If it is clean enough to wear at the weekend, it’s clean enough to wear today. It’s not lazy to put it back on. I think the way you refer to your DH and dismiss his views is somewhat lacking in respect.

Urm no being in the same ( clean) clothes twice would never be a child protection issue even with other factors it wouldn't be mentioned.

It’s unfair to say OP is projecting her insecurities, because she is simply responding logically to her experience. People who are less well off get judged for things that more well off people don’t get judged for. The only reason OP wouldn’t need to worry about this is if she now comes across as better off.

Women often get treated differently for doing exactly the same thing a man does. This is no different. It’s great if you grew up never being judged for things like this, but it isn’t in OP’s head.

TBH I really don’t think that most people would notice a child wearing the same clothes a few days in a row! Your concerns are the reason why it is so important that children wear uniforms to nursery ie t shirt with logo and full uniform at primary school .Really don’t worry OP .X

I'm with you OP and my husband sounds just like yours. Is this your first child together? He'll succumb to your way of thinking by child three I assure you!

I totally agree op and don't think you are being unreasonable. I also got teased at school for not having many different clothes and was poor. It means alot to me that my kids are well turned out. Your husband can't understand if he's not experienced that.

I thought that school/nursery children were supposed to wear clean clothes daily and have worn clothes washed because of Covid???

Our school have requested this. Having said that, if jumpers aren't dirty I just put them back in the wardrobe and they can wear them again a few days later (trousers never make it....).

Ours even requested that you cycle coats if at all possible.

YANBU. I remember being bullied for having the same clothes on two days running. He can wear the jumper another day.

YABU

It really doesn’t matter at nursery. I’ve never known other mums to talk behind others’ backs about what kids are wearing, but if they did I honestly wouldn’t give a fuck. Why does it matter so much what other people think? I know you were bullied as a child but you need to address that and not allow it to still be infiltrating your life and decisions years later.

Your DS will either be in uniform at school or will likely have his own view on what he will wear. Picking a fight with your husband over this (on the basis he might not change his view in the future is ureasonable.

Thank you @terriblelizard

I don’t think YABU, but mostly because all my son’s clothes come back from nursery absolutely filthy - there is no way I could reuse an outfit. He also drools a lot because he’s teething, which ruins his clothes!

Even if they aren’t dirty, I do understand you not wanting to use exactly the same outfit two days in a row.

If the clothes are still clean then I honestly don’t see the issue. No one else will either notice or care.

My toddler tends to have fresh clothes every day anyway but that’s because they’re usually filthy! She frequently rewears jumpers which tend to go on and off through the day so don’t get so dirty.

An older child in school requesting to wear a different jumper? Fine, let them choose how they present themselves. A child at nursery, no waste of time. No one is going to notice or care. I would love a jumper to come home from nursery without being covered in paint or snot or beans tbh.

Nobody would notice, as long as they’re clean and he has a clean vest, bib, socks and obviously nappy I think it’s ok.

However I put my DS in clean things each day, though - like you- I don’t wash the jumper if it’s visibly not dirty, we just wear it again a day or two later.

The class and sex difference in your post is really interesting - posh people don’t notice stuff like this. My background is working class/lower middle class - and my Mum would always notice and care about clean clothes, not looking scruffy etc, so I do understand. I think you can relax about it a bit though. You’re right re sexism - if anyone did notice they’d blame you, not him.

How will other parents know what jumper your child is wearing if you're dropping them off at the nursery doors and parents aren't allowed in at the moment?

And even if they could see, why do you think they care enough to memorise what every child is wearing?

A few thoughts on this.,,, (my kids are dd age 3.5 and DS age 4 months)

• I am very keen on not washing (still

Clean) clothes every wear. It’s a waste of money and time. It is worse for the environment and worse for the clothes themselves. I don’t want the kids to grow up thinking they have to constantly wash everything. If it’s not visible dirty and/or doesn’t smell, it doesn’t need washing (obviously pants and socks are an exception. And for a t shirt for example I’d have a cut off of about 3 wears for the kids). Dd accepts this rule with no problem.

• nursery is germy. And it does have a smell I agree! Ours have requested clean clothes every day because of Covid. Again dd knows this and accepts nursery clothes go straight in the wash. However this means she won’t wear any of her favourite things to nursery.... every thing she actually likes gets “I’ll save it for the weekend” so some of her faves never get worn because she wears the same outfit all weekend and goes to some effort to keep it clean (which I don’t approve of! I just want her to have fun and not worry about getting mucky, but she is very particular and strong willed about clothes as only a 3 year old can be.)

I kind of wish I had made a new clothes every day rule to keep her clothes in rotation, but I still stand by my first point that it is ridiculous to wash things that are still clean for the sake of it. So we are just riding out this phase, and sometimes mummy might hide some of the most used favourite things after they’re washed so that the other favourite things can get worn at the weekend! Oh the things we do as parents eh?!

Obviously he wont get bullied, it's not about that. It's a funny sense of pride you get when your children look smart. I couldn't stand it if the nursery staff or mums noticed and judged me. I know it sounds silly but I do get it op.

You are projecting your feelings into your son, and far to uptight about things that are unimportant. Relax, other parents aren't going to even notice what your son is wearing.

I also agree with @TerribleLizard

I'm amazed some people wear clean clothes every day by default! That's not very environmentally friendly!
I'll have clean clothes every day in the summer if I'm sweaty, but at the moment it's cold and I'm working from home, so not even going out, and I'm wearing the same outfit 2/3 times each (clean underwear obviously).

How many of these people saying OP is being irrational and it doesn’t matter were bullied for having old/not many clothes?
Of course it actually doesn’t really matter if this child wears the same jumper twice but perhaps try to understand why OP might feel this way

Tbh, I really think no one really check if children are wearing same thing 2 days in a row. They may notice if it was dirty and smelly, otherwise, no one cares. You are being too sensitive, and I'm with your dh.