Row with DH over toddler clothes...

[WeeWelshWoman]

This morning, my husband wanted to put our toddler in exactly the same jeans and jumper he wore yesterday (changed vest and t-shirt). I asked him to at least change the jumper because otherwise it looked like we were sending our child out in exactly the same clothes two days in a row.

He got huffy and said it was insane when I said sometimes other mums/ nursery staff may talk and I just wanted the jumper swapped. That he could wear it on the weekend instead if it was ok.

My husband thinks that other parents never comment on children wearing the same clothes two or three days in a row. I disagree (memories from school and being bullied about it). I pointed out that as a guy, any negative comments would never be made towards him, but to me.

He says I'm putting my experiences on our son. I agree, to a point, but I want to stop this lazy just grabbing the nearest items that sort of look clean enough habit now, before it does become an issue.

For reference, I was a free school meals kid for most of my childhood. My husband is from a much pushed background and went to boarding school. I think this may have impacted his view on this.

AIBU to not want my son to go to nursery in exactly the same clothes two or three days in a row?

I'm not adverse to reusing clean clothes. I just don't want him visibly in the same outfit.

[AskMeOnce]

If the jumper was visibly dirty then YANBU

But if it was clean enough to wear again then your DH attitude is a normal one.

I think you are projecting experiences of your own childhood here, and maybe you need to have a little word with yourself about calming down and not stressing about the small stuff.

I think arguing with your DH about something so little is more damaging than your toddler wearing a 2 day old jumper tbh.

[Onxob]

How on earth was your toddlers clothes clean enough for a second day?! I don't think that's ever happened with either of my DC.

I think you're right OP. People would certainly notice and many would judge. Plus with covid you really should send them in clean clothes every day. My DDs preschool has written to families to request this so would certainly notice. Children get so grubby/sticky at that age unless it was an item of clothes they had only worn for an hour or two I'd definitely wash them every time.

[jacks11]

Also agree with others that if you bring your son up to place more value on what others think of him, his appearance and the way he dresses, than he places on his thoughts and feelings then you’ll have done him a disservice. Your DH is right on that. He could have been more diplomatic about it.

[Audreyseyebrows]

I agree with your Dh. You are projecting onto your child.
That’s the bit that needs to change before it becomes an issue, not the jumper.

Although I’m amazed at any child coming home clean from nursery. Mine were hooligans!

[timeforawine]

YANBU, my daughter has had a fresh outfit on everyday since she was born, even if the previous day's was clean it still goes in the laundry.
Though now she's in school she only has 2 cardigans for the week, though she rarely wears them in school!

[pastandpresent]

Hoppinggreen, I totally get what you mean, but Op's obsession is unhealthy. And it's better she realised that sooner than projecting her own experience to her children and making her children grow up with similar anxiety.

[Sarahandco]

I don't think you are bu, I think your childhood experience is influencing you and you should do what you feel is right. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with wearing the same thing twice if clean (in non-covid times)

I have to say my kids at that age had different clothes every day but only because they were never clean enough for a second wear!

[LastGoldenDaysOfSummer]

YABVU. If it's still clean it's fine.

Both DS's wore jumpers or trousers for 2 or 3 days in a row if they were clean. Neither got bullied.

[Standrewsschool]

If the clothes were clean, I would put them in the same jumper and trousers two days in a row.

[Isaidsausages]

Clean clothes for each day is much better. Nursery probably would notice. The fact that they are still clean is odd like a pp has said, my dc would be filthy by midday. Does your dh wear the same clothes to work 2 days in a row?

[SunshineLollipopsRainbow]

I completely agree with you. My little one wears a clean outfit every morning and clean pyjamas every night.

[Standrewsschool]

@Poppyismyfavourite

I'm amazed some people wear clean clothes every day by default! That's not very environmentally friendly!
I'll have clean clothes every day in the summer if I'm sweaty, but at the moment it's cold and I'm working from home, so not even going out, and I'm wearing the same outfit 2/3 times each (clean underwear obviously).

Me too!

[sashh]

I'm gobsmacked that you have a toddler whose clothes are clean enough to be worn two days running.

Until he decides from himself how about ds wears whatever the parent dressing him wants him to wear?

[RainingBatsAndFrogs]

Actually I was ‘commented on’ as a child and young teen because I wore clothes deemed suitable to pass down to my brother, and had only one ‘best’ outfit for all parties, social and family events etc, inherited from my cousin. All due to being lower income than people at school etc.

I thought the comments stupid and illogical then and I don’t pander time the views of people with questionable values now.

But 2 year olds do not bully over clothing choices and if you don’t trust nursery staff to be more professional than to judge, well....,

I get sensitivity and bad experience, but I think it is worth reflecting on it before asking other people to adopt behaviour that in the end IS illogical in support of sensitivity.

[lottiegarbanzo]

This is a deeply class-based issue. The 'correct' answer depends upon the area you live in now.

If it's WC / lower MC (like your background) then yes, people like you might be similarly obsessed with clothes looking new and pristine and might notice. If it's middle MC and upward no-one will care. They will be more concerned about quality and suitability than appearance and will happily wear hand-me-downs and send DC to pre-school in old, scruffy clothes, suitable for the purpose of playing and getting covered in paint.

At school he'll wear uniform surely, so he probably will wear the same jumper every day, same as everyone else!

[lioncitygirl]

Like you said - they might notice when your child is older - but not now. IMO- your projecting.

[Sauvignonblanket]

Sounds like I'm in a minority but it's my rule for pre-school and primary kids clothes to get worn for a second day if they're clean enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to notice, let alone comment. Better for the environment, less laundry for me and they last a bit longer. I wouldn't insist if they get self-conscious. I can totally see where you're coming from though.

[Isaidsausages]

This isn't about new clothes or nice clothes or style of clothes though. It is about starting out the day in clean clothes.

[GrumpyHoonMain]

So interesting how people react to bullying. Attempts were made to bully me about my clothes too - but I was taught not to let people hurt me, and so I attacked right back all guns blazing. I think rather than accept your DS will be bullied and it will be bad for him - teach him to be resilient and to fight back within reason. Self-defence classes, debate / theatre classes all help build confidence.

[Sally2791]

If it’s clean enough wear it. Try to stop worrying about what others may think

[Buggabooboo]

I think it's not a big deal for him to agree with you. Or rather, he can disagree but put on a clean top to keep you happy!
As a point of interest, our creche has asked for clean clothes each day as a measure against corona

[Isaidsausages]

Incidentally we have 2 of some tops and trousers and so it might look like dc wears the same clothes a lot, lol. They are clean at the start of the day because they are filthy by the end of a day plus i just think it feels nicer for dc if they start a day with clean clothes. Maybe that is me projecting, becuase i definitely feel nicer starting a day with clean clothes?!

[RonObvious]

I voted YABU, because objectively speaking, you are. However, I totally understand how you feel. I was very neglected as a child, and certain things now make me very uncomfortable, because it makes me feel like I am back in my own childhood, or subjecting my children to the same, It's a bit of a family joke that I get very nervous if we don't have plenty of toilet paper / washing up liquid. The sight of piles of clean towels in the airing cupboard makes me feel relaxed and secure. Keeping the children's bedding fresh and clean is hugely important to me - I remember how depressing it was sleeping without any sheets, duvet covers or pillow cases. Everything just felt grubby and sordid, and I don't want my kids to feel like that. It makes me oversensitive, but I can't change that. I think there are certain things, that may sound small to other people, but that are linked with bigger things in your mind. I think your husband could be a little more understanding - it's not that big of a deal to put a clean jumper on your son!

[Ignoringequally]

This is interesting and probably reflects mine and DH’s respective views too.
I didn’t have many clothes growing up so things were reworn multiple times out of necessity. I wasn’t bullied but it bothered me, I felt inferior.
DH grew up with a housekeeper and nanny. Never wanted for anything.
I would naturally put mine in a fresh pair of clothes every day regardless. His view is that if it isn’t visibly dirty it can be reworn. It wouldn’t even occur to him to wait a few days before putting it back on them.
However I think just wanting your DH to just do as you ask is unreasonable. I’m glad DH didn’t pander to my insecurities, as it would just perpetuate that cycle. If he is dressing them and the item is clean, he puts it on them. I have become less stressed about what other people may think.

[HannaYeah]

@Hoppinggreen

It probably doesn’t matter but given your history I can see why it might feel like it
However, it’s such a minor thing for your DH to do to make you more comfortable then he should do it. He doesn’t need to agree, he should just appreciate your feelings.
Maybe you could try some counselling to help with your issues though? I was badly bullied at Primary and it’s still with me over 30 years later

I agree with this. It’s a simple thing to avoid you feeling anxious.

If I explain It’s about my feelings to my that to my husband he seems to get it. If I make it about the thing that seems small or silly we argue. “Can you do this small thing for me, so I don’t worry about it?”