Row with DH over toddler clothes...

[WeeWelshWoman]

This morning, my husband wanted to put our toddler in exactly the same jeans and jumper he wore yesterday (changed vest and t-shirt). I asked him to at least change the jumper because otherwise it looked like we were sending our child out in exactly the same clothes two days in a row.

He got huffy and said it was insane when I said sometimes other mums/ nursery staff may talk and I just wanted the jumper swapped. That he could wear it on the weekend instead if it was ok.

My husband thinks that other parents never comment on children wearing the same clothes two or three days in a row. I disagree (memories from school and being bullied about it). I pointed out that as a guy, any negative comments would never be made towards him, but to me.

He says I'm putting my experiences on our son. I agree, to a point, but I want to stop this lazy just grabbing the nearest items that sort of look clean enough habit now, before it does become an issue.

For reference, I was a free school meals kid for most of my childhood. My husband is from a much pushed background and went to boarding school. I think this may have impacted his view on this.

AIBU to not want my son to go to nursery in exactly the same clothes two or three days in a row?

I'm not adverse to reusing clean clothes. I just don't want him visibly in the same outfit.

[DameCelia]

I think what has bothered me is my husband's reaction. He wanted to argue the toss, instead of grabbing/ letting me grab a different jumper.

I think this is the relevant bit here @WeeWelshWoman.

Several things could be going on and only you and your husband can untangle them.

Maybe your husband feels you don't trust him to do things right with your child and this is the time he wants to push back against that.

Maybe he dislikes your worry about 'what will people think' because he was brought up to look down on attitudes like that.

Maybe he is aware that you have a lot of baggage from your childhood and he's worried that your child won't be allowed to live their own life because you'll be projecting your own insecurities on them.

Maybe he's fed up with how much the bills are and thinks cutting down the amount of washing is a good place to start.

Maybe he was having a bad morning and picked that issue to hang is annoyance on.

Maybe the fact you've posted about this on Mumsnet means you secretly know you may have views on this that most people don't recognise.

Maybe you've posted because you genuinely think everyone worries about what other people think if their toddler's wardrobe, and you husband's reaction is a complete shock.

Maybe a million other things.

The only way to find out is to talk to each other and listen.

[Babdoc]

I think you and DH could benefit from sitting down one evening after your child is in bed, and having a heart to heart about the subtext of this problem.
You could do with some of DH’s confidence and lack of worry about the opinion of other parents/nursery staff, and DH could do with some understanding of your background and the emotional damage you have sustained from childhood bullying, which is affecting your behaviour and attitudes with regard to your child.
Communication is vital, so you understand what is behind each other’s different approach, and can work together to deal with it. A bit of compromise and affection is all that’s needed.
In 12 years time, when you are dealing with the joys of a stroppy, smelly, sulky teenager, you may look back and laugh that you were ever bothered about which jumper he wore to nursery!

[firstimemamma]

"I just don't think asking to have a different jumper was a big deal."

Your dh could just as equally argue "I just don't think asking to have the same jumper was a big deal."

It's just a jumper really and stuff like this is a non-issue in our house where spot cleaning and wearing the same jumper twice is the norm. Our toddler is always clean and presentable.

[HappyDinosaur]

For nursery we just buy cheap clothes (Primark/Supermarket multipacks) and wash them after each day. Nurseries are quite germy and with coronavirus I wouldn't let my toddler wear anything twice. I don't think it has anything to do with money or looking posh or not though, I probably wouldn't even notice on someone else's child.

[Dishwashersaurous]

If it’s clean why not wear it two days in a row and then wash?

This is completely a non issue and your hangover from your youth

[Camomila]

I'm with your DH - when he was at nursery I'd change DSs vest/top/underwear but I'd put him in the same jumper and trousers for 2 days in a row if it was clean. Its a waste of water otherwise.

I used to be a nursery nurse and we wouldn't consider it worrying if DC wore the same outer clothes a couple of days in a row - they are coming to play/get messy anyway.

[MessAllOver]

DS has clean clothes everyday. They're seldom clean enough to wear again (usually paint/mud/food-encrusted).

We also all have clean pyjamas everyday . Not because I think there's anything wrong with wearing PJs again but because we like that clean pyjama feeling.

[WeeWelshWoman]

Thanks @Babdoc and @DameCelia I think this is it. I know I have baggage from childhood bullying. I was hoping for a bit more sympathy this morning.

Have had more of a heart-to-heart and think DH understands. I do know, deep down, worrying about toddler clothes is silly. I've mentally jumped ahead a few years. and with uniform, it is amoot point.

[Ohdoleavemealone]

Actually I think you were right. If he was home and nipping out to the park etc I wouldn't care but a lady on here a while back posted saying nursery had pulled her up on the fact that the child had worn the same clothes for 2/3 days and wanted to check he changed into Pjamas at bedtime and wasn't left in them for 3 days.

I think general people out and about won't notice but nursery staff probably will.

[Dishwashersaurous]

You husband is probably arguing to prevent your issues becoming your son’s hang up as he gets older.
It’s really important that you don’t allow your negative experience to colour your children experience

[Newstart20]

It's honestly fine to wear clothes two days in a row if they aren't too dirty. Often I rewear one outfit for days because its comfy or suited to the weather - just washing it overnight in between. I don't really care what others think of me, I doubt most people even notice perhaps beyond thinking it must be my favourite jumper/dress/shirt.

[RoseGoldEagle]

I think what has bothered me is my husband's reaction. He wanted to argue the toss, instead of grabbing/ letting me grab a different jumper.

But maybe it’s important to him that you don’t get into this cycle of feeling you can’t put DS in the same clothes twice when they’re clean and there’s nothing wrong with that? I’d feel the same as your DH to be honest, if my partner told me to take a jumper off one of my children purely because they’d worn it the day before, I’d tell him that was crazy and I didn’t want to make decisions based on what other people might think! If you think it’s dirty/it smells then I’d agree to put it in the wash, but if you’re happy for him to wear it at the weekend then the only reason is the ‘what others think’ one, and I can see why your DH might want to try and get you out of that mindset.

All that said, my nursery have asked for new clothes every day due to Covid, so you could just give that reason to DH, though I guess that doesn’t solve it long term

[RedskyAtnight]

Your toddler child will not be bullied for wearing the same clothes twice. Therefore the issue is all yours and not to do with the toddler/clothes.

If your child is bullied at school for wearing the same clothes (unlikely as the vast majority of schools now have uniform) then you need to take it up with the school.

Encouraging your child that he needs to worry about what other people think and what he looks like (beyond being clean and presentable) is putting your issues on him.

Many toddlers have a favourite top and wear it non-stop until it's prised off them to wash. That makes this even more of a non-issue.

[DameCelia]

But @firstimemamma you are able to say "It's just a jumper really and stuff like this is a non-issue in our house where spot cleaning and wearing the same jumper twice is the norm. Our toddler is always clean and presentable." Because you have social capital, as does OP's husband, OP doesn't because of her childhood. The two of them need to be able to discuss this, there will be plenty of hurdles in the future where a bit of communicating will go a long way.

[firstimemamma]

@DameCelia you don't know if we have social capital and know literally nothing about my dark and traumatic childhood.

[MJMG2015]

Two separate issues.

I think clothes are dirty after nursery, whether visibly so or not, so at the end of the day they go in the wash.

But what other people do is up to them as long as the child is comfortable & not obviously unwashed/smelly.

I don't think either of you are wrong as such, but your DH's attitude to doing something so minor that you've asked him to do & he knows why, is pretty nasty. Why upset you over something he could easily do?

[EvilPea]

I always put them in clean everyday.
More so now as it’s part of the covid back to school agreement.

[BabyofMine]

I’m on your side.
I saw a documentary I think it was about a drug-taking mother, it was a few years back, but someone who was under SS, one of the things they commented on when assessing whether she coping was that her baby had the same baby grow as the day before.
I honestly think nursery workers WOULD notice a child wearing the same clothes more than once and it would be something that can indicate potential neglect. Not on it’s own but as part of a wider picture. I think people are naive if they think people aren’t judged on things like that.
I personally wouldn’t use clothes more than once and I think your husband is just being lazy.

[DameCelia]

Ah @WeeWelshWoman well done, you're going to be fine.

[Mylittlesandwich]

DS now has a wee uniform for nursery which makes things nice and straightforward. He's only 11 months so nothing was clean enough to wear more than once anyway but I think I'd prefer it to be new anyway.

[RedskyAtnight]

I honestly think nursery workers WOULD notice a child wearing the same clothes more than once and it would be something that can indicate potential neglect.

Wearing a still clean jumper to nursery 2 days running is really not a sign of potential neglect.

[coffeeandgin26]

Yabu. I can't remember what my kids wore yesterday; a nursery worker probably isn't going to remember unless it's filthy. They have more important things to think about than whether your kid is wearing an outfit two days in a row.

[Conair]

As a nursery manger of many years. Yes we would notice but unless it was a filthy jumper worn several times it would be a non issue.

However I do take people's point about covid and some nurseries and schools insist on freshly washed clothes every day so you could give this as a reason for your husband.

[Pootleflump76]

We’ve been asked to send our DDs in clean clothes/uniform every day for nursery/school at the moment. If the jumper was clean I’d probably wait a couple of days before giving it to wear again so it looked like I’d washed it