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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/10/2020 19:46

He 'thinks' she has an issue? Has she said anything to you or been horrible? If not then of course she should come to the wedding, she's his sister ffs.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:50

She's not been "horrible" but her behaviour is odd to say the least. She always makes excuses to not see us, gives birthday/Christmas presents for DC to exW rather than us, in more than three years of us being together she seen us 4 times and she lives locally. The list goes on ..

OP posts:
BangBux · 25/10/2020 19:52

YABU. It's HIS decision whether she's invited or not because she's HIS family and would be there as HIS guest, not yours. How would you feel if your DP told you that you couldn't have your family members there?

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 19:53

Is she good friends with his ex and does his ex have issues with you both?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:55

Well I wouldn't mind it... Neither of us have particularly close relationships with either of our sisters. I'm very detached of my own so I genuinely don't car if she's here or not. Plus she's only having her because she's family.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 19:56

The thing is op if she’s never did anything other than be distant by uninviting you draw the war lines and cause a family rift.

Nottherealslimshady · 25/10/2020 19:59

I'd talk to her about it, not confrontational but mention it seems she doesn't feel comfortable with you and you're worried she feels loyalty to his ex wife and its blocking her having a relationship with you. See what she says.

Leaannb · 25/10/2020 20:00

She lives locally and has seen you 3 times in 4 years and has a split loyalty issue. This issue is so severe that she won't even give presents to the kids through you bit through the ex wife...Go ahead and invite her. No way in hell will she show up in support of him marrying you

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:00

@Bluntness100 she does have a "close" relationship (although I don't know to what extent). I fully understand it. His exW is the real aunt to her daughters and I have no issue with it. But after last night's conversation he's made it sound like she has an actual issue with OUR relationship. (She's never been impolite just odd/distant).

OP posts:
Whitehorsewaves · 25/10/2020 20:01

you're going to cause a family rift in which you will be the bad guy in the eyes of his family. Is that really what you want? if you want to isolate him then crack on.

I'm guessing there's a back story to the split with his ex then.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:02

@Leaannb you've summed it pretty well. Who's being odd? I've come to the conclusion that I want "good vibes only" at our wedding, something that ultimately given her behaviour I don't think she'll have.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 25/10/2020 20:02

I think that’s picking a fight. Invite and let her come along. If she doesn’t, it’s her decision. Be more detached. You can’t even know each other that well if you’ve only met a handful of times.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:04

Your partner has caused an issue here, did he expect your reaction would be so harsh as to disinvite her? Is this what he wants?

Does the ex wife have an issue with you both?

HostessTrolley · 25/10/2020 20:05

I’d speak to her, either in person or by message. I would try not to barrel in with ‘do you have a problem with me?’, but try to go more along the lines of ‘I was wondering how you feel about coming to our wedding..?’ and see how it goes

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:05

No, she's a complete stranger to me. But given the very small number of guests allowed (and she'd come with 4 total) I'd rather have more meaningful people at our wedding. Ultimately he was the not great person in his previous marriage but it has nothing to do with me. I have a very good relationship with his DM and DB.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:06

i think that’s picking a fight

Of course it is. It’s going to cause a huge rift. When actually all she’s done is be distant.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:07

I have a very good relationship with his DM and DB

Not for long you won’t have.

MzHz · 25/10/2020 20:07

I doubt she’ll come. But if you don’t invite her YOU will be giving everyone a reason to have a pop.

So do the usual thing, it’s an invitation not a summons and all that and if she comes she comes.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:08

Op i assume why you’re posting is because your partner doesn’t agree with you.?

KarmaStar · 25/10/2020 20:09

You select your family members and your dp selects his surely?
Dictating who can come from his side based purely on your perceptions is unfair.
Have you made any effort to get to know her?you write as if you don't like her.
You will never heal any differences between you if you uninvite her and the resentment will spread and grow causing rifts in the family.
Do your best to have a positive outcome for everyone involved.

DeciduousPerennial · 25/10/2020 20:10

I’m confused. Is she his sister or SIL (i.e. his brother’s wife)?

I can’t help feeling like there’s a huge drip feed coming about the way the relationship with him and his ex ended.....

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:11

@Bluntness100 yes for the most part she's only been distant. But the last two things have been fairly odd.

1- it was my DSDs bday, her grandmother sent her money and she had some presents or her. She ended up giving them to the exW. For whatever reason then she decides to give some hand me downs to us (but not even directly).

2- the baby just turned 1. She had the presets for him. Again instead of handing them over she'd decided to give them to her exH who will eventually see my DP at work. We live locally. The normal thing would be to pop over and hand them over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:13

In the end he's undecided. He couldn't care less, but he's of the belief that family is family. I don't think family should just get a "get out jail card".

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:13

Ok. But you can’t uninvite her because she doesn’t give you presents directly.

Op, if your partner isn’t aligned with this you’re shortly going to find blood really is thicker than water. This is the kind of rift that will go on for years.

Invite her, if she doesn’t come fair enough, they have nothing on you. You’re the bigger person. By not inviting you’re the enemy.

That is unless your partner doesn’t wish her there, but I don’t think that’s the case, you’ve learned she might have an issue and you’re going to war.

demelzalala · 25/10/2020 20:13

Your boyfriend probably loves the idea of women all fighting over and around him and has made it all up to shit-stir.

LTB.