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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 25/10/2020 21:03

It sounds like he has more family than you...and they're taking up the guest allocation.

It would be fairer to split the allocation...and he has immediate family (siblings/parents)... if there's no room for inlaws, they should stay home and look after nieces and nephews.

ButtonMoonLoon · 25/10/2020 21:04

This is all so confusing and very hard to keep track of.

How long have you and he been together?

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:04

He left her in feb 2017 and by the time you met him in Oct 2017 she was engaged to someone else? Confused

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2020 21:05

He had 2 children with a woman he never wanted to marry?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:05

There's 5 of us, his parents (2), his DB and GF (2), hid DS and DC and BF (4) so I've only 2 left to invite. My DM and and a friend, that's where the "unfairness" comes from.

OP posts:
MandosHatHair · 25/10/2020 21:06

Just because your DH divorced the ex, doesn't mean that the ex has to be disowned by the rest of the family. Your future SIL knew her for a decade and the ex is the mother of her nieces/nephews, of course she is closer to her at present then she is with you and it sounds like your DF was a shit to the ex tbh. You and your DF cannot dictate who SIL is friends with.

I think you would be making a big mistake uninviting her, it will cause a massive drama. You may think you have a good relationship with your future BIL and MIL but you soon wont if you don't calm down a bit.

Butiwantto · 25/10/2020 21:06

@Bluntness100
Is your name Sharon

This Grin

LIZS · 25/10/2020 21:07

I'm confused as to why it was so important he had to convert to marry you yet it was ok to have a child beforehand. Are you already legally married but planning a religious ceremony (you mention remarriage) .Could the distance be related to this? You seem to be taking his tales of entrapment into a ten year relationship at face value. Are your future sil and dsc similar ages and therefore have much in common?

Prettybluepigeons · 25/10/2020 21:07

convert to whaat ????

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:08

Yes @Bluntness100 that's right he left February she met her now fiance on May? Got engaged by September. I know they met at work. He's a nice guy (I've met him a couple of times) but obviously the marriage was pretty much dead.

OP posts:
Boulshired · 25/10/2020 21:08

You are taking the present situation as a snub to you, when it’s probably him she has a problem with. I barely speak to my brother, I have a close relationship to his ex. I have no problem with his new wife other than to get to know her I would have to put up with my brother and I do not want to stand by and watch him treat another woman like a piece of crap, so I keep my distance.

FantasticRik1 · 25/10/2020 21:08

Sounds like your SIL has a good relationship with the ExW, who is the mother of her neices/nephews. It makes sense to me that she would give presents via her, rather than you / DP.

You might also develop a good relationship in time, but that won’t happen if she isn’t invited to your wedding.

So... your DP has 2 children with his ExW and one with you? How long ago did they split, and how long have you two been together?

Really confused ...

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:09

Well she’s a fast mover...so she’s remarried now to thr new guy?

I’m also curious what religion you can have babies but not get married?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:10

I'm Jewish! My babies will always be Jewish (so it doesn't matter if I marry or not so to speak) . I hope that makes sense now :)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:11

Ah, yes it does...😃

LIZS · 25/10/2020 21:11

@Weddingin2021

I'm Jewish! My babies will always be Jewish (so it doesn't matter if I marry or not so to speak) . I hope that makes sense now :)
So why are you bothering now? Are you sure your dp wants to marry again?
AlternativePerspective · 25/10/2020 21:13

So, your DP is a shit who dumped his wife just six months into their marriage.

I suspect that your SIL doesn’t think much of him and rightly so. I also suspect the seeming issue she has with your relationship is that she expects him to do the same to you and that you won’t be on the scene for much longer so there’s no point getting to attached.

And what is he converting to which doesn’t judge babies out of wedlock but needs said conversion to be allowed to marry?

giantangryrooster · 25/10/2020 21:14

I feel I'm missing out, can anyone explain 'the Sharon', please Blush.

RoseGold7 · 25/10/2020 21:15

@Weddingin2021

There's 5 of us, his parents (2), his DB and GF (2), hid DS and DC and BF (4) so I've only 2 left to invite. My DM and and a friend, that's where the "unfairness" comes from.
Could you just invite his DSis and her bf, but not the DC? 4 is a big chunk of your limited guest list. Tbh it should be 50:50. Each invite the same number of guests. You shouldn’t let him invite more guests than you and vice versa.
Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:15

@lizs I think it was lockdown in a way. We also bought a house, and it just came to a point where I was not comfortable anymore.

Then the liberal branch announced they're happy to perform blessings that are closer to weddings it was like a Eureka moment.

We decided to set a date about six months ago. We've only got about 5-6 months left to plan and that's how we've started to be pretty pragmatic about who to invite.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:15

Op, you’re only allowed nine. And you have nine surely the sis and her three, make thirteen?

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 21:16

@Weddingin2021

There's 5 of us, his parents (2), his DB and GF (2), hid DS and DC and BF (4) so I've only 2 left to invite. My DM and and a friend, that's where the "unfairness" comes from.
Why are there only 9 guests?

How many siblings do you have?

If you can only have 9 guests then you should have - his parents, his brother, his sister, your Mum and your sibling(s)

No inlaws, no kids. Or you need to find a bigger venue/setting for your wedding.

HeronLanyon · 25/10/2020 21:17

Absolutely don’t do this. She’s entitled to have split loyalties, as you understand. The only way you’ll ever have a better relationship is to just carry on and don’t worsen things. Bloody hell uninviting her because ‘you only want good vibes’ does make you sound rather young. This is a second marriage for your dp - it’s likely to be a bit muddled for everyone no matter how happy everyone is for you both. Congrats. Have a good time. Let her be.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:18

Yes @bluntness we're only allowed 10 (sans us terrible at math tonight).

OP posts:
Prettybluepigeons · 25/10/2020 21:19

so it's not a wedding? it's a blessing in the synagogue?
are you going to actually legally get married ?