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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:19

@AlternativePerspective Judaism lets you as I have already explained.

OP posts:
Wannabegreenfingers · 25/10/2020 21:19

This whole thread is bizarre and really difficult to read. Is English not your first language? - completely misses the point!!

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:19

Im guessing it’s the church or venue that only allows ten?

TitianaTitsling · 25/10/2020 21:20

But our baby was planned so you've already said.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:20

current regulations mean there can only be 15 total including the couple. Us as a family are 5 (us 2, 3 DC) so that leaves us with 10.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:24

I don't think it's that hard to understand. But in a nutshell, we're only allowed 10 guests (due to current regulations), my DPs DS (who's had odd behaviours around us) would take 4 out of those 10 guests. I'm only allowed two guests and given her behaviour I think those places are "wasted".

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:24

so 10 extra guests.

5 from your side, 5 from his.

you choose yours, he chooses his,

simple.

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 21:25

@Weddingin2021

I don't think it's that hard to understand. But in a nutshell, we're only allowed 10 guests (due to current regulations), my DPs DS (who's had odd behaviours around us) would take 4 out of those 10 guests. I'm only allowed two guests and given her behaviour I think those places are "wasted".
Don't invite the kids.

10 guests =

His Mum and Dad
His brother and partner
His sister and partner
Your Mium and partner
Your sister and partner

Do you only have one sibling?

00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:25

if he uses 4 of his allocated 5 on his sister and her family, then that's up to him, surely?

lyralalala · 25/10/2020 21:25

If you have more siblings then drop the siblings partners

LIZS · 25/10/2020 21:26

But 5/6 minths down the line regs will probably have changed again. Is the angst now worth it. If your dp thought it was years before you could marry is he as keen to do so sooner, or maybe he sees a blessing as less binding if you are not legally married too.

earthyfire · 25/10/2020 21:26

By not inviting her you'll just make the situation worse. You sound a little envious of the relationship she has with your DP ex.

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2020 21:28

I'm sorry but I get the impression he doesn't really want to marry you either OP.

Look at the facts here. He's told you he thinks his sister has a problem with your relationship and then followed it up with 'but she should still come to the wedding, as family is family'.

He's mentioned this now because you've had your 'Eureka' moment which means he can marry you sooner than 3 years time.

Are you sure he's not trying to put you off getting married? I mean lets face it, he chose to have 2 children with a woman he claims he never loved, went on to marry her and then fucked off 6 months into the marriage.

He's already had another kid with you and bought a house. It doesn't strike me as though marriage is particularly high on his agenda.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:28

Loving this thread op. You’ve us all in the edge of our seats trying to work it out.

Ok so from what I can tell, your partner was was previously with his ex for ten years.

They have two kids. One who is about 14 one who is about 8.
He left her four years ago, six months after marrying her.
Six months after this you met him. She was already engaged to a bloke at work.
You now have a one year old with him
You’re getting a Jewish blessing next year.
There is allowed to be fifteen guest in total
You, him and the three children is five
His parents makes seven
His brother and partner makes nine
His friend makes ten or eleven if that includes a partner.
You have four places left,
He wishes to invite his sister, her partner and her two kids.
You say this is unfair as you have no relationship with her and want the four places for more meaningful people.
You wish to know if this is unreasonable or not.

Is that right?

AlternativePerspective · 25/10/2020 21:28

Yeah xposted with the comment re you being Jewish.

Not sure what the baby being planned has to do with it though.

If you seriously believe that he had two unplanned children with this woman and then a wedding which he didn’t want and only six months later managed to summon up the courage to leave her then you’re being very naive.

I suspect there is a lot more to this that he’s not told you, and that one of the reasons why your SIL doesn’t speak to either of you is because she doesn’t feel it’s her place to tell you the truth about who he really is.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:29

Yes I only have one sibling and a 15 month old nephew. So in all honesty I'd like him to come? There's my DM and my DF and a couple of friends I'd like to invite.
But it does get muddy. I'm happy with eloping but he isnt...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:31

But earlier you only refer to your mother and a friend, not your siblings or father Confused

Boulshired · 25/10/2020 21:31

I have a wedding invite for January, but it makes it clear that things may change due to Covid. You are making problems that do not need to happen. I am concerned with 10 guest his family have taken priority and you are the one stressing.

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:32

You've got it right @Bluntness100 apart form the "friend". There's no friend. I wish I could invite a friend but if his sister comes, then we've it have two seats left so to speak. (The maths are correct though).

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:33

why can't you just have 5 guests each?? Confused

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:34

Yes, @Bluntness100 that's right! I make mention of my DM and a friend because that would be most meaningful to me. I do have a DF and a a DSis but I'm ok of they don't come, but I'd like to have more that two people on my side. My sister would take at least three seats so it's a never ending "not enough seats" situation

OP posts:
00100001 · 25/10/2020 21:36

just invite five people each.... why does it have to be any more complicated than that??

windturbines · 25/10/2020 21:36

Sorry if I've missed something, but how can she have been with him ten years and have a fourteen year old together? What?

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 21:36

Well I think it’s not fair, he cannot have all the guests and you can’t even invite your mum. Is he seriously suggesting that? That you have no one there?

Original poster
Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 21:37

@windturbines because they separated when he was 10? Almost 4 years ago

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