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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

285 replies

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 19:38

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

OP posts:

CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 20:15

How exactly was he not a great guy in their marriage? Did he cheat?

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:18

No, he didn't cheat. But he never wanted to marry his exW. He left within 6 months of their wedding. He still regrets it to this day to mislead someone so much (including their DC).

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:19

Why did he leave?

Zeebeezee · 25/10/2020 20:20

Big weddings, small weddings, honestly what is it about SOME of them that cause so much unnecessary grief for everyone?

I'd go with a celebrant, the Bride and Groom, two witnesses and feck the hell right off personally. I'd tell everyone about six months later too or maybe not at all either.

But at the same time, wish you well OP.

Times are different now with Covid, there are lots of rules... lol.

Leaannb · 25/10/2020 20:20

[quote Weddingin2021]@Leaannb you've summed it pretty well. Who's being odd? I've come to the conclusion that I want "good vibes only" at our wedding, something that ultimately given her behaviour I don't think she'll have.[/quote]
Once again she won't show up if she is as loyal to the ex as you say.

Whitehorsewaves · 25/10/2020 20:20

Did your relationship with your partner overlap with his marriage ending?

You will be the one blamed for all this, not him. Your relationship with his mother will sour and you will be talked about negatively between his mum and her daughter. As others have said, blood is thicker than water and all that. Whilst they might be nice to your face it may not be that way behind your back. Not saying this is right, but the reality of taking this step may cast a long shadow in the future with your inlaws. Plus when you hit bumpy patched with your future husband, this will also be brought up as ammunition against you.

I'd think this through carefully if I was you. Seems like very minor transgression on her part tbh to take such a drastic step.

mnahmnah · 25/10/2020 20:20

Be the bigger person, have the upper hand etc. Invite her. Otherwise you’re adding to the problem rather than trying to overcome it. My SIL has always behaved oddly towards me. I view it as her problem. I have only ever been friendly and pleasant.

giantangryrooster · 25/10/2020 20:21

You will be causing a rift with his entire family this way. I don't think your examples are odd behavior, if you don't socialize that much.

Don't do drama, invite her, who knows she will probably turn it down or stay for a short time only.

I think you are over thinking her behavior after your dp mentioned issues. It's one day, you can do this for family peace for years to come.

Cyllie33 · 25/10/2020 20:22

You’re obviously not close but I’d invite her. Don’t start a rift over your wedding by snubbing her. You’ll be the one that is causing issues then - with her but also with all of your in laws. Don’t deliver ultimatums to your partner over whether his sister comes.

Does he want her to be there? You haven’t said.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:22

Did your relationship with your partner overlap with his marriage ending?

Someone over lapped. Men don’t usually leave unless they have someone to go to.

Yennefer19 · 25/10/2020 20:24

To be honest YABU. People are allowed not to like you, she doesn’t seem to be creating any drama, she just chooses not to socialise with you which is the right way to go about it.

You don’t exactly seem to be the friendliest of people, you don’t have a good relationship with your own family and seem to be intent on causing bad relationships within your DP’s family just because your SIL isn’t falling over herself to be friends with you.

Is that you Meghan Markle?

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:24

He never loved her. I think that's it in a nutshell. She got pregnant within the first month of going out and tried hard to make it work. He's a very "comfort zone" type of man so I think even though he wasn't entirely happy he wasn't entirely unhappy either. In his own words he was a coward but it came to a point where he couldn't live in a lie so he left. I have questioned him ad nauseam about it and he hold that he's always been happy with me. There was no reason for us to stay together and the baby just came before the wedding. (He was very much planned).

OP posts:

CakeRequired · 25/10/2020 20:26

No, he didn't cheat. But he never wanted to marry his exW. He left within 6 months of their wedding. He still regrets it to this day to mislead someone so much (including their DC).

That's not the full reason. Got to be more to it than that. Did you get together with him after they separated, but weren't divorced?

stretchedmarks · 25/10/2020 20:27

Do you always attract this much drama, OP?

Invite her and leave it at that. She's done barely anything worth talking about and if she doesn't come, then that's what you want in the end, anyway? If she does I doubt she'll talk to you much. Which would be clearly good for you.

Just stop causing totally unnecessary drama. The only idiot at the end of it will be you.

katy1213 · 25/10/2020 20:27

IT's hardly surprising from what you've admitted about his behaviour that she sides with the ex - who is clearly a good friend - rather than with her brother.
And maybe isn't too invested in his second wedding if he walked out six months after the last one.
Leave him to invite his family as he sees fit. They possibly won't want to come, anyway.

Haffdonga · 25/10/2020 20:28

I'd ask your dp or his parents to pass on a message that you would love her to come if she really wants to, but please not to feel obliged as places are so limited that you can only fit in people who really want to come.

HelloDulling · 25/10/2020 20:29

You really can’t uninvite her. It’s a line drawn in the sand that will remain as The Terrible Thing forever.

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:30

So they were only together 15 months in total?

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:30

No, his exW was already engaged when we met. The DC and already met her BF when they met me. We as a family have a very fulfilling relationship. Yes, there are some time when there's the unnecessary drama but I think that comes with step-families in general.

My DP has even said it's not the first time she's behaved this way. She was distant to his exW many, many moons ago. But we can only have 9 guests so I want to have the closest people to both of us.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:31

There was no reason for us to stay together and the baby just came before the wedding. (He was very much planned

Whose baby?

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:33

No, they were together for 10 years total, only married for 6 months out those 10 years. So the wedding was some sort of breakdown on his end.

OP posts:

TitianaTitsling · 25/10/2020 20:33

There was no reason for us to stay together and the baby just came before the wedding. (He was very much planned).
Sorry this bit has really confused me!

Freddiefox · 25/10/2020 20:33

You are just making a drama out of nothing. So sil is a hot frosty with you. Can’t quite work out what she’s done other than had presents over to ex wife. Why shouldn’t she try to maintain a relationships with her nieces thought their mum.

Is that the problem? You are not in control. Sounds like a bit of a power trip for you.

Original poster

Weddingin2021 · 25/10/2020 20:33

Our baby.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 25/10/2020 20:35

@Weddingin2021

Our baby.

Then what do you mean there was no reason for you to stay together?

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