To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

[Weddingin2021]

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

He's managed to have a baby with you and buy a house and yet he's worried some people might think getting married could be 'too soon'?

Honestly, I wish you both the best of luck but I think even you know deep down that his heart is not into this wedding, just like it wasn't with his last wife.

Sad but true I think.

Yes, I've actually seen the paperwork

I've never questioned that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I can see that he truly try to comfort me whenever I question if he actually wants to do it or not. He's never dismissive in the slightest.
I was never really open either of how uncomfortable I was about not being married (I didn't know it myself) . Our views on marriage have shifted throughout the years but I think for now things are most certainly more on track than before.

I think if you un-invite her to your wedding then you have no chance of improving your relationship with her in the future - especially if her parents and other brother are at the wedding.

This could be the way to start getting closer for the sake of your future family relationships.

I honestly would get married with parents only for now and move celebration until it’s doable. It doesn’t matter if it’s in a year or so, the importance is not to go through this level of stress for the sake of a party

The wedding is the important bit, the rest will be lovely to look forward to

My DM has already said that she might or might not come (COVID dependant) but that we'll have one at home with her, my side of the family and my lifelong friends.

The one at the registry office will be mostly for his side and the religious one will be for our friends belonging to that "bubble". I think that way everybody gets something. All I do ask is to have solved whatever beef he's got with his DSis as I still want it to be a memorable experience in the beat of ways.

I think that's probably your best option - have one wedding for his family, and one for yours. Make it clear that is what is happening though otherwise he's likely to want to invite his sister to the second wedding as well!

Things that strike me about this:

1. Your SIL makes no effort with you and is close to your DP's ex.
   BUT equally your DP makes no effort with your SIL's new partner and is close to her ex.
   Very tit for tat of them both! Depending on who started it, it could be tricky to resolve! Also, your DP's boss (SIL's ex) might not give two hoots if he gets to know her new partner; whereas DP's ex might be upset if SIL gets to know you - another added level of trickiness.
   I think your DP needs to talk openly to his sister about this situation and ASK her why she's being so distant - is it because of his ex, is it because of her ex, is is because of her new partner or what?

2. HIs mother is likely to be pulling strings behind the scenes, because that's what mothers do (mine certainly did, anyway!) to try and get their kids to "get along". So maybe she's pushing him to invite SIL because it would be wrong not to (agreed) but he doesn't want you to know that she's pushing in case it puts you off his mother.

I think it's a tricky situation you're in because of the restricted numbers, but you seem to have worked a way out of it by saying you'll have your family at the blessing ceremony instead, which would be more meaningful to them anyway, I guess - you just need to get the "weirdness" resolved between DP and his sister. BUT that may not happen - it might be too entrenched now - so I think you need to accept that this is what you're marrying into and just let it wash over you.

Thanks Thumb! I think you got it very well.

The whole situation with his sister is very puerile. As far as I'm aware SHE started it, but who.knows. I don't think the sister's ex (his boss) cares about anything but.from what my DP has said, his DSis new partner does care. Again, who knows. You're also right that their DM is telling th.both that they have to sort it out. I think the weirdest part of it all is that the nieces haven't met their cousin.

The upside of having multiple celebrations (we were talking about having a fourth last night) is that of.pne ends up.being not ideal at least I have the other to look forward to.

I do want them to solve their issues. I don't want it to be super awkward especially when it just going to be hid family there (and maybe a couple of my friends).

The upside of having multiple celebrations (we were talking about having a fourth last night) is that of.pne ends up.being not ideal at least I have the other to look forward to If your OH is having trouble committing to one ceremony is it a good idea to have a fourth.
You both have very different ideas.

The problem has always been that he doesn't want to give his side of the family a "sub par" reception.

Because I can't have all of my friends and family (even before lockdown and vice versa if we had it in my home country) we've opposed to a big traditional wedding even if that's what I wanted (and add the religious element).

He's also always had an issue with his DC not being able to attend a ceremony abroad. He also (at least originally) saw having so many "celebrations" a bit odd.

As it's obvious that's there's no middle ground apart from that one he's happier with that solution. It has taken him six months to accept this. He always thought the registry office was a massive compromise on my end and that I would end up regretting. I think he finally understands that I would regret not being able to share a slice of it with my nearest and dearest just because we happen to live here and logistically it's a nightmare.

I think we're getting there. Seeing how happy his work colleagues are helped him see that we need more than one party.