To uninvite future SIL to wedding?

[Weddingin2021]

After a very long conversation it has transpired that DP thinks his sky has an issue with us. She has some "split loyalty" issues and afaik she doesn't wants to upset his exW for being close to us. Their split happened years ago and she's always been weird but with wedding date upobus I've told told him that she either comes in "good faith" or she's not welcome. I understand the split royalty thing, but it's time to move on as I'm as part of the family as the exW was/is.

How is he making it my fault?

This thread has been a bit confusing but after reading all your responses to questions OP it does sound like your partner has a big problem with both his sister and the wedding. Nothing you've written makes it sound like she has a problem with you (she clearly likes his ex wife better but she knows her better so thats understandable) but she might have a problem with her brother or she could just not be that sociable.
It does sound like your partner is throwing obstacles in the way of your wedding tho - lots of over blown family drama, converting then not converting, wont elope. As he has form for going through with weddings he clearly doesn't want maybe there is something more going on. Especially as he doesn't seem to think that out of 10 guests you should have 5 each, which is clearly the obvious way to sort out such a small wedding.
For what it's worth, if my family lived abroad I'd wait until I was sure they could travel without 2 weeks quarantine etc before I married which would probably solve your guest list problems. You've already had a child together and are living together, postponing a year would be the easiest solution to this.

Yes, postponing could be an option, but quite frankly I'm happier with having multiple celebrations.

Putting the pieces together, I think he's always wanted to get married but I think he definitely saw it as a later thing. I at some point completely cooled down about the idea, said that I didn't see the point (although it was internalised resentment).

I know he's gone and told his friends and family by his own accord so I think part of him does want to get married. I think the fiasco of the previous one left some scars and explains why he reacts in certain ways.

He definitely has an issue with his sister which is a separate thing but it does permate into the wedding situation.

Putting the pieces together, I think he's always wanted to get married but I think he definitely saw it as a later thing. I at some point completely cooled down about the idea, said that I didn't see the point (although it was internalised resentment).

I know he's gone and told his friends and family by his own accord so I think part of him does want to get married. I think the fiasco of the previous one left some scars and explains why he reacts in certain ways

I call bullshit on his part. His actions and his words don't align. Combine that with his previous actions and excuses and he doesn't sound reliable.

Think about the options:
A) A man who strings along a woman for a decade, has two children with her and marries her when they're not in love but is quite happy to have an easy life and rob his partner of genuine happiness
B) A man who was in love for a decade, maybe wasn't bothered by marriage but did it anyway, but on separating after 6 months decides to lie to his new partner about how he never loved his ex anyway
C) Regardless of whether A or B is true (or a mix), he tells his new partner that he definitely wants to marry, they're different, he really loves her and is looking forward to getting married but then causes issues with the guest list and highlights family fall outs, seeks obstacles and suggests postponing the wedding

None sound very good.

Sorry OP, that sounded harsh on my part. You sound lovely and my gut instinct was worried you're potentially being played here.

Telling his friends and family he's getting married in a few months is no marker of actually wanting to.

He's put every possible obstacle in the way so far, as soon as you had your 'eureka' moment and realised you could bring the wedding forward.

He had absolutely no reason to tell you he thinks his sister has a problem with your relationship, while simultaneously telling you she has to come to the wedding.

Listen to what he's not telling you. He's already been through one wedding he didn't want to be a part of, don't let history be repeated here.

* Sorry OP, that sounded harsh on my part. You sound lovely and my gut instinct was worried you're potentially being played here.*

Unfortunately, I’m inclined to agree. He’s deliberately creating problems that don’t need to be there.

Op, if you think he definitely wants to get married, go suggest to him that you head off to the registry office at the nearest opportunity (think you've got to submit papers about a month beforehand?) with just you two, the kids you both have, and two witnesses. No extra family. Even just you two and the witnesses.

Let us know his reaction please.

He's said no to eloping because he says his family has to be there. (As in parents and siblings) he's ok with no extended family nor friends. Which leads us to today.

The wedding is not postponed (unless something major happens by Christmas). He also has reasons to not want to postpone it (his DBs GF has to ask for annual leave 6 months in advance and she's already asked for that weekend).

He find it odd that I'm totally cool with not having my family there, he sees it as a transgression and thus why we should wait until things are "more normal" so we can know if they're coming or not. I just told him that we could have a nice ceremony in the back garden of the house I grew in. So it does look like we'll have three very different celebrations. It's the only way we can both have what we want.

The blessing could happen on a separate date and the. I could invite all of the people who are meaningful to me

I think you should do this .

I know someone who had three parts to their wedding, which allowed them to have a number of guests at different parts.

There was the church... then the wedding breakfast and then an evening reception.

There was time between events so guests at one part, never saw guests at the next stage allowing cleaning and sanitising by the venue.

Yes for the blessing there would be 15+ guests so I think that one can definitely wait a bit longer (it would be open air, so maybe restrictions will also be more relaxed by then).

We can have the registry one for his family (and a couple of my friends)

And one with my family and everyone who means someone to me but for who international travel is a bit of an issue and then we're all happy.

Has anyone else noticed that on threads about something a female relative of a poster's partner (MIL, SIL, stepdaughter) has done wrong, it often emerges that the partner himself is waving red flags and said female relative is being scapegoated to distract from the real problems in the relationship? It's depressing.

I don't think that's the issue at hand.

In a nutshell numbers are obviously restricted, he has an issue with his sister. I don't want that "issue" hanging over us on our wedding day (it's his job to resolve not mine) if he doesn't then I don't think it's unreasonable to not want that level of awkwardness at our wedding.

The postponement was mostly because it turns out we can have the reception at home (like we originally planned) and don't want to spend on hiring a venue.

I think most people would actually want to postpone, but not me. To me having restricted numbers solves a few issues on my end.

I understand the not wanting to wear facemasks or having the room with people wearing them but I think that's also here to stay for at least a couple of years.

I'm fairly detached from my own family so quite frankly I don't care about fallouts . He does and I don't think that's unreasonable on his part.

He find it odd that I'm totally cool with not having my family there, he sees it as a transgression and thus why we should wait until things are "more normal" so we can know if they're coming or not.

He's just giving you another reason to put it off, isn't he?

Surely its her issue and not yours, just invite her she is family.

TBF that was a fairly recent change of heart. Up to maybe say six months ago I wanted at least my DM to be here, now I couldn't care less.

My perception of what I want and who I've wanted to attend has changed over time.

Beyond obviously loving him, the one reason I want to get married is because I feel uncomfortable not being married. It's not about the surnames, nor the financial security. I just don't like being an unmarried couple.

Also up to maybe two years ago I was adamant that I wanted a big wedding, and that's not the case anymore.

He's the one who said we needed to actively celebrate we're getting married rather than treat almost like a business transaction.

He also has reasons to not want to postpone it (his DBs GF has to ask for annual leave 6 months in advance and she's already asked for that weekend)

I hope his hasn't pulled a muscle reaching for this excuse OP. Are you sure you really want to marry this guy, like really sure, like really, really, really sure because he doesn't sound worth this drama.

Beyond obviously loving him, the one reason I want to get married is because I feel uncomfortable not being married. It's not about the surnames, nor the financial security. I just don't like being an unmarried couple.

I know it's a bit late now but given his history, wouldn't it have been wise to hold off having a baby with him and buying a house then?

To all intents and purposes he's already married but without the legal bit that gives you the security you need.

But I don't need any financial security. I didn't know I felt so uncomfortable about being unmarried until fairly recently.

I think part of him does want to get married

Whatever else you do, wait for someone who wholeheartedly wants to marry you, someone who longs to get married to you

Getting married is a really big commitment. If you don't need to marry for financial security, have you given any thought to what would happen if he left in a few months? No one ever wants to think about their marriage going wrong, especially when you are all distracted by the arrangements for the wedding.

What sort of financial settlement was agreed for his last divorce? How well did he come out of it ? Has he provided decent, regular maintenance for his children?

@Weddingin2021

But I don't need any financial security. I didn't know I felt so uncomfortable about being unmarried until fairly recently.

Why not? You have a baby together and you've bought a home together.

Please tell me you're on the mortgage?

Yea of course I'm in the mortgage. There was nothing to settle as they only had debts in common (well those got settled).

I'm the one who has more to lose with marriage so to speak, not him. I'm completely self sufficient.

Apart from the wedding bit, actions peak louder than words. I feel very much loved and like the centre of his world all the time. We don't fight, he's very hands on with the baby and the house. I think marriage is a touchy subject for him because of his past actions and the impact that it could have on his children. He's said it himself he feels that there's element of "shame" for getting married again when he didn't want to the first time and (according to him) it was very obvious too. He has mentioned that some people might find it too soon too. I don't think second marriages are that easy, some people are really not interested others don't see the point, etc. I've never ever doubted he loves me.

There was nothing to settle as they only had debts in common (well those got settled).

Sorry to press you, but that's sounds a bit like brushing the financial arrangements under the carpet. If there were only debts, how did they settled? Are you going only on what he told you, or have you seen the legal paperwork.

My DH's break up was reasonably amiable and a couple of years before we got together. I still asked to look over the paperwork and he was happy for me to see it. The actual facts are so much more empowering that any other explanation