Hmm, it’s a complex one. I don’t regret having my dd and if I had my time again, I’d do it the same..but..it’s bloody hard work and I think I was happier before..albeit in a different way. We had her later (pregnant at 39) due to infertility issues, so we had many many years together. We live abroad and our life was basically just pleasing ourselves, day in, day out. Hours spent lying on beaches and drinking wine, swimming in sunset oceans, lie ins, travelling around the world..I don’t think I realised that would all end..all of it. We don’t have any family here and friends have their own dc, so we haven’t been alone in two years, no break. I so envy friends with parents nearby who sit for them every weekend, some even having the kids stay over..a night alone, a lie in and sometimes up until lunchtime alone..we can only dream. I think it would make a huge difference. I so miss my alone time, reading a book, drinking wine in the sun, listening to music, I honestly never believed that wouldn’t happen again..and I know it will, right? But it could be years. I often feel nothing is about me anymore, I was so in my own head before.
I previously worked all my life 8-7, planning at home after work and some weekends..I thought I was tired, I had no idea what tiredness was!
I’m sad our relationship has changed too, we can barely have a proper conversation these days..then I feel terrible saying all this, thinking all this, because I adore her, it makes me cry when I think of it. I so wish I could stop thinking of my old life, stop wishing for it sometimes..it’s like my private, guilty secret I can’t tell anyone.
Then I’ll have days when I’m so bloody happy, so fulfilled..it’s a rollercoaster for sure and a headfuck.