Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

^"Anyone who has one child and hates it is forgivable.

Anyone who carries on having them while hating it is bloody unfair on their children.

It's not like it is 1900...Contraception is about now, as is termination.

Why oh why do people have more children than they can cope with?
It just seems insanity.
And very unfair on the resultant children."^

I didn't hate it until I had two DC. With one DC there were bits I definitely didn't like but I believed Mumsnet mantras like 'this too shall pass' and 'if it was so bad, why would people go on to have two?' like the bad bits are fleeting.

Absolutely if I had known I would not have made that choice. But I did not know. And with hindsight, I'd have been happier with zero kids. But only with hindsight. At the time I was TTC I desperately wanted children.

I have 2 (12 and 2) and I would have at least 4/5 if I could afford to , but will probably only have one more for financial reasons Etc.

I think people wishing they could go back and not have kids seems the more common opinion I hear these days, I feel like the odd one out because I really wouldn't, not a single part of me wonders /dreams/ wants to run away, but lots of my friends (most of them) don't echo these thoughts , I think maybe it's because I had my daughter, I never really had the freedom as an adult without kids so I can't miss it ?

• had my daughter in my late teens

@Idontbelieveit12 I am thinking the same thing. I was married and had 3 children at 22, was financially secure, a SAHM and honestly life felt like one big holiday, obviously there were hard times but in general those were my best years. I only felt parenting for hard when mine became teens, absolutely nothing pleased them, school became more intense, weekends taken up with GCSE revision etc. I'm 40 and honestly I feel I've already lived (and left) my best life. I dread having to go.on holidays without my children, I hope they will always want to go on family holidays.

I think a mother's experience of parenthood is influenced hugely by how supportive or otherwise their partner is.

Ohalrightthen

I'd say thats only prudent as an older parent.

I was twenty two
We had life insurance to cover our mortgage but statistically were more likely to die in an RTA that year than have a child with a life long disability.
It didn't even enter our heads.

Why should it? Should we plan for every statistical anomaly?
What a joyless existence. Life is short and worrisome enough. Most children are born to young parents NT and healthy.

Yes there are outliers but that is true of every variable that life throws at us.

The truth is that those other variables are not up for public debate and judgement in anything like the same way that motherhood is.

Patriarchy
Blah fucking blah

When I suffered with PND after my DD was born I genuinely considered trying to give her away to a family member or leave her somewhere that she would be found. I regretted having her so much, it completely consumed me for the whole of the first year. I spent all my time wondering how I could reverse the damage I had done. I thought a lot about deliberately injuring myself so I wouldn't have to look after her. Also I had a very unsupportive partner. Those feelings gradually eased a bit and we bumbled along, had a second baby 4 years later, then the partner left me for an OW... and it was like a cloud lifted. I've found that being a single parent to my kids is exactly what I want to be doing. Somehow getting through the difficult sleep, feeding problems, boring mat leave and out the other side has brought out the best in me. I still have my snappy moments, and they see their dad often so I get plenty of breaks, but definitely no regrets any more. It seems the problem all along was him, not me.

My only irritation with half arsed parents is when they have lots of DC close together once they are 2 or 3 there out they rear each other with little parenteral input.
My neighbour has 6 under 8 she never even looks out to check on them.

@ChelseeDagger

Ohalrightthen

I'd say thats only prudent as an older parent.

I was twenty two
We had life insurance to cover our mortgage but statistically were more likely to die in an RTA that year than have a child with a life long disability.
It didn't even enter our heads.

Why should it? Should we plan for every statistical anomaly?
What a joyless existence. Life is short and worrisome enough. Most children are born to young parents NT and healthy.

Yes there are outliers but that is true of every variable that life throws at us.

The truth is that those other variables are not up for public debate and judgement in anything like the same way that motherhood is.

Patriarchy
Blah fucking blah

I mean, i was 26. Yes, when you're bringing innocent life into the mix, you do need to plan for statistical anomalies. They have to happen to someone. It isn't joyless, it's a safety net.

There are just so many aspects to this.

I'm fine with people saying they hate being parents. You feel how you feel.

But it's more complicated than that. One is that people forget how much they really wanted children. Like when you are on a diet but you are really hungry and eat a load of chips. But once the hunger is gone, you can't understand why you ate the chips.

Also I think sometimes saying you regret it is really letting yourself off the hook a bit for your decisions. Like not eating the chips when hungry, it is difficult to decide not to have children if you do have that urge. It's just too easy to have them, then say "oh poor me, I was tricked by society".

You are lying or kidding yourself if you claim you thought it would be so magical and easy. You didn't have access to the internet? Articles about how children suck are basically 50% of it!

i agree, there are so many articles, and forums online saying how hard children are.

There are also so many people in real life who say how hard it is to have children.

There should be so much thought put into having a child, because if you do not have enough money, help, and support , (some mothers can do it without any of these things, but you need to weigh up - will it be too difficult for you) - it is going to be really difficult, and it will not just ruin your life, but it will ruin another human being's (the child's) life.

Ohalrightthen

Most people don't though and haven't done so for time immemorial.

In the real world most people do not plan to be statistical anomalies..again see normalcy bias.

And despite your conscientious actions you can't blame those who don't align themselves with them and comsequently fall foul of fate.
Not when their peers overwhelmingly 'get away with it'

Life just doesn't work that way..

People say it's hard having children and it is, but the harder thing would be to do a pros and cons list, see there is more cons and so decide the remain child free despite that longing for a baby.

Optional - then actually travel around the world/climb Mt Everest/excel in your career and all the things you think you would have done.

@Sarahpaula

i agree, there are so many articles, and forums online saying how hard children are.

There are also so many people in real life who say how hard it is to have children.

If anything what's is hearing anything good about parenting.

*what's rare

yes I have definitely heard more bad things about parenting, than anything good.

I can think of many, many mothers who told me they hate being a mother.

I can think of about three mothers who actually talk kindly about their children

I don’t know why so many people assume that all mothers are happy to have had children. Lots of babies are unplanned. And planned or unplanned, bringing them up is hard. There are mothers who actively dislike their children. And there are mothers who love them, but who would also have preferred not to have had them, with hindsight.

I was never maternal, hated other people's kids and for that reason didn't get pregnant until I was 31, but it was the best thing I've ever done! Having kids has made me a much better, more selfless person and I just love being a mum! Don't get me wrong, it's bloody exhausting and hard work, especially as I work full time and suffer with Bipolar. But if I had to go back in time, I would do it again in a heartbeat! The idea of being childless is really upsetting to me, but I understand not everyone feels that way.

I think some of it depends what life was like before. For us we lived a quiet life out in the sticks, walks by, cycling, going off in our transporter for weekends away with the dog. When we had kids they slotted in and life carried on much as before. I can see if your life was altered considerably and becomes a boring Hun drum that that can cause regrets and also when children have needs you were not anticipating which limits how you live your life.

You might love them now you have them but it's not the same as believing it was the right choice.

My kids weren't the problem.
I was the one who gave up work to look after them because childcare for 2 cost more than I was able to earn.
I couldn't get back into my old career for years afterwards. My pension was shot to pieces. I'm earning far less now than I would have been if I'd stayed at work.
The worst thing though is how the XH's life remained fundamentally unchanged. He was a more hands on Dad than many at that time but his body didn't get wrecked. His pension wasn't hit and neither was his career. I suppose all that would have been fine if he hadn't used those advantages to fuck off out of his kids' lives permanently for someone 15 years younger and left me to pick up the pieces. It's not a DC problem it's a man problem.

On the upside, I've clawed my way back into my career by taking on really tough studying but you can't make up for the lost years. I really wish I'd thought twice about trusting a man enough to give up my career.

My DM once said something similar to me -
‘You wouldn’t be here if the pill had been available then’.
Nice

Yes - always nice to be told you were a mistake, isn't it. Thanks Mum.

I wish I had waited a few more years before I had my daughter (had her at 23) but I don’t regret her at all. I worry that we won’t be able to give her the childhood she deserves because we don’t have much money really, in terms of holidays and days out etc. but we are doing our best. I’m not sure if we will have another, because I want to make sure I can provide for my daughter rather than having another child for the sake of it. She has cousins who are close in age so that makes it slightly easier.