Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I dont regret having them at all, but I do slightly hanker after the life I would have if I hadnt had them.

That said, my sister has that life. Expensive holidays, a beautiful large house, high disposable income.....and would give it all up to be able to have a baby. SHe doesnt have a romanticised ideal of motherhood as she has seen the reality of it with my family, and it breaks her heart that she will never get the chance to have it for herself.

So.....the grass isnt always greener and I have to remind myself of that.

@Justaboy

There was also a poll on Loose Women a few months ago, and I think it was around 30% who said if they could go back, they wouldn't have had them.

Well yes quite! they may say that, but were the OK with their mums having them?. If not then they ought exit this world!! harsh i know but..

Wut now? Did your mother consult with you before you were born to find out your opinion?

@Sarahpaula so sorry to read you post

@MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes

The trouble is financial cushions and marketable skills in an ever-changing market are harder and harder to come by. As someone with no wider family support who's watched their work sector be destroyed by politics, and had to watch the house prices quadruple in 2 years 20 years ago, I often wish I hadn't bothered. Kids are wonderful and all that, but they trap women, in what is a bad economic time. And it's going to get worse! Hurray, can hardly wait.

Yes, it is harder. There are billions more people on earth, all needing a livelihood. And clean air, water, food, fuel, housing. You think it's going to get easier as competition grows among more and more humans for those dwindling resources?

We need to change our notions of what makes up a "normal" life. Because sustaining an ever increasing number of nuclear families bent on self-replication is not a viable plan.

I absolutely adore my ds10 and my biggest regret is that I never had a second child. However, I share care with my ex so I get plenty of time to myself. I might feel differently if I didn't. It also helps that me and ds are very similar so we really get eachother. I cant imagine my life without him.

@Sarahpaula My sister made it look so easy and warm and lovely with with having two, but she was a primary 1 teacher also..... I am very different though I now see I want to read philosophy, and about medicine and science and just keep learning. childcare is so dull and relentless. Never ever ever again and I dont hold back telling others how it is in reality so they can choose. I know that a lot of women should choose not to have kids.

If I could do it again I would have at least one more!
I have loved being a mum. Yes there have been hard times but the absolute happiness and joy they have brought me has been worth it all.

This thread is really sad.

@formerbabe how dismissive. My child is not the result of unprotected sec- if only it was that easy! My child was wanted, wished for and I put my body through a lot to have them. And they are amazing and I don't have an ounce of regret in my body! My child is a miracle to me.

Perveen, I think I said it was going to get harder? What do you think we need to change our notions of a 'normal life' to? I agree we need lower population. FWIW I have 2 dc, 2 fewer than both my mother and grandmothers.

Sarahpaula I don’t think people are mentioning how the child must feel for a few reasons. One being that not all our children would even be aware of that, I do love my kids but I think one would have been more than enough and only because of the circumstances surrounding our second do I find some feelings of regret. Another reason would be this post is about how the mother feels, why shouldn’t it focus on that?

@Sarahpaula having now read your previuos post... not all mothers that regret their kids abuse them and shout at them. I have been in a support group for these mums and most feel very guilty for their feelings and totally try to make up for them!

At the end of the day we know it was our choice and we have to do the best for them no matter what we feel!

@Sarahpaula, it’s not because some mothers regret having children that they will automatically become abusive and make their dcs life hell.
I also suspect that the reason many mothers regret that choice is because of what they have gone through once they became mothers. Things that they dint expect.
It could be a very traumatic birth and suffering from PTSD/MH issues from then on
PND
A very unhelpful father or one that becomes abusive
Becoming a single mum with no support
A child with SN
The list is endless. And very few of those circumstances could have been been planned/guessed before the decision of having a child. It’s not just about they did it ‘because that’s what is expected’ (even though societal pressure is immense. Maybe less now, certainly very strong when I had mine)

I have five children and whilst I dont regret a single one of them I realise that I am very fortunate to experience a relatively, to me charmed form of motherhood.
I have built my career throughout my twenties and early thirties whilst my DH is a sahp.
I am an only child and my mum lives ten minutes away. My MIL although we have our differences adores her DGP and so consequently pre lockdown I had one night free per week for date night.
I had c sections, retained a slim figure and more importantly my health, though I am aware that this sentence may return to bite me on the arse at any minute!
All of my DC are NC.

So yeah of course I'm sailing through life. I'm lucky and my circumstances are such that my life works and I'm happy.

I'm aware that if any facet of my fortune collapsed I could very well regret my profligate reproduction.

There are so many variables on which your experience of motherhood depends, its not as if it is a prescriptive experience. No wonder some of us find it more enjoyable than others.

No smugness here but I enjoy it, I enjoy the challenge.

Maybe it's because I'm older and have already had a pretty full life (I'm 44) son is 10 months.

He's given me purpose, softened a hard heart and I love him and what he's already taught me.

I'd never knock any parent but I think there's something to be said for having kids later in life.
There's more risk yes, but for me there's less I miss because I've already had my fill of it.

@Roowig2020 they’re either the result of unprotected sex or Scientific/Medical intervention... reproduction is no miracle, however it happens.

I don’t want to be dismissive or appear to not listen, I hear what others are saying. However, my life has been happier with each child. One has autism but is still a joy. It’s hard to explain, but I feel settled happy and content with them. I don’t crave another life, they cheer me up.

Funnily though I didn’t really feel I wanted them before I had my first, I could’ve chosen childlessness easily. It just all cam together and I realised how much I loved it when they arrived.

All these posts on this thread saying "I regret being a mother", not one post is talking about how difficult it must be for the child. It makes me really annoyed

Have you got ANY evidence that a single one of the mothers on this thread have EVER screamed or shouted at their child, SarahPaula?

If not, could you please remember that your family's problems were your family's problems and other parents should not be made to feel guilty about them!

@Prettybluepigeons, I’m not sure the thread itself is sad.

But I think that, as a society, we need to start thinking more about why 30% of women regret becoming a mother. I suspect for a lot of them , it’s a mixture of having no support from their partner, seeing who they are disappearing (eg unable to get a promotion at work, unable to still do things for themselves whilst said partner keeps their hobbies etc etc).
And no protection if the relationship ends with the mother bearing the brunt of the cost (physical, emotional and financial) of having children.

I’m pretty sure that if we were able to solve those ‘small’ issues, many women would have much less regrets.

This is quite a nice thread to read when you feel alone in the hardship of raising small kids...

I am so happy and feel very lucky to have my two girls they bring me such joy but the work definitely out weighs the joys - my mum once said to me it's about the small moments with them which are lovely and amazing but there is more time spent doing the actual child rearing side.

Another wise mum of a friend of mine once said to me when I was pregnant 'congratulations but having babies and raising kids is a thankless task' at the time I was a bit what a weird thing to say to a first time mum but now I know exactly what she meant by that comment

I'd never knock any parent but I think there's something to be said for having kids later in life. There's more risk yes, but for me there's less I miss because I've already had my fill of it

There is so much out there to explore and experience how can you possibly do it all in 4 decades. I think there is more risk having them older. You have a more established life and more to lose!

I have found on here that there is a lot of women who do regret having children and say that no one told them how hard it would be. I also see a hell of a lot of threads on here, posts on social media etc saying that motherhood is so hard. So to me I was told how hard it was rather than what a joy being a mother was.

I'm only 14 months into motherhood and it's the best thing that has happened to me. I feel very contented. A lot of people say that they have saw a change in me for the better as I have (as my grandma says) 'come into myself' I did struggle to conceive and for as long as I can remember I've had this yearning to be a mother and that I couldn't see my life with out being a Mam. I did become depressed due to struggling to conceive and couldn't see how life could continue if we didn't become parents as I knew how much my husband wanted to be a dad and that he would be a lovely dad!
I hope I am able to conceive another child.
However I'm aware how blessed I am to have my daughter.
Threads like this make me feel very sad.

No way is motherhood all rainbows and butterflies but I couldn't imagine life without being a Mam.

@corythatwas why are you just speaking to me?

There are several women who have posted on this thread, who have written about the same thing that I have.

The pain and damage they felt, when their mother regretted having them.

Believe me, if your mother regrets having you , you know. She doesn't have to scream and shout.

It causes life long lasting damage to the child.

That is why I get angry at women that they don't put more bloody thought into what they are doing.

Even after you have a child, if you regret having the child so much, give it up for adoption!

@Roowig2020

I'm sure you adore and cherish your dc and consider yourself lucky.

But no, children are not miracles, they are either a result of unprotected sex or they are a result of scientific/medical procedures.

@Realii, you’re not dismissive.
It’s great to hear about women who found motherhood such an amazing experience.
It’s also good to hear about those who didn’t- because there is such a taboo around that.

Having said what I said, I do think that women should have a space to talk about how they are feeling, and about how difficult motherhood is. I do have empathy.

So I will put my own feelings away, and back out of this conversation.