Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

I've never wanted children because I'm pretty sure I'd feel as a lot of you do.
I've definitely felt the pressure though, people telling me I 'have' to have them. I think the only person I've told that's respected my choice is my mother.

No regrets about having children at all. I really wanted them and felt a new level of happiness when I had them. I do regret not taking more time for myself, not cutting more corners and making life easier for myself when they were little though. I wore myself out trying to do it all and to be honest half of it they can’t remember! If I had my time again I would definitely have children (maybe more) but I would be much more open about needing support and set more boundaries to protect my mental and physical health. I wish we had been more encouraged to do this by HCPs who gave the impression that new mums should be frazzled and exhausted.

I would be dead if I hadn’t had my child. And possibly a great deal happier into the bargain.

@corythatwas

All these posts on this thread saying "I regret being a mother", not one post is talking about how difficult it must be for the child. It makes me really annoyed

Have you got ANY evidence that a single one of the mothers on this thread have EVER screamed or shouted at their child, SarahPaula?

If not, could you please remember that your family's problems were your family's problems and other parents should not be made to feel guilty about them!

I think you'd be hopelessly naive to think that the majority of the children referenced in this thread are clueless. Children are perceptive, and children grow up to be adults who are more than capable of putting two and two together. I bet you anything you like that the majority of the children you're all wishing you'd never had feel that, deep down. And if they don't now, they will in a few years.

@Sarahpaula

I am another one that would really encourage women to think carefully before they have children.

I think hearing women saying "it is just what people do" and then go on and have children, does not cut it anymore.

You need to put serious thought into whether you would actually be able to care for a child or not. Before you have children.

Because if you have a child, and can't care for it, it is not one life you are ruining (yours), it is two lives that you will be ruining.

What upsets me is that I see so many threads on here about women who regret becoming mothers, and not one of those mothers talk about how hard it is for the child in that situation.

I see women on this thread saying that their mother regretted having them.

I am another person who grew up in the same situation. My mother regretted having me and my brother. To grow up with her for 18 years, with her screaming and shouting at us, and insulting us was sheer hell.

Think about it: a child in that situation has to live in an environment where some one much bigger than them, hates them, and screams and shouts at them for 18 years. It is like being in a torture chamber.

People get better human rights treatments in prisons.

All these posts on this thread saying "I regret being a mother", not one post is talking about how difficult it must be for the child. It makes me really annoyed.

why didn't you THINK more, before you had children.

Thats a really unfair statment to families that have been given a situation which they wasnt expected like having a child with special needs.

I have 3....if i had my time again id have 1....im a lone parent and 3 on my own has been exhausting...the older 2 have just finished uni so are back living with me...its a nightmare and i cant see that i'll ever get my house back...they have little respect for my home and have turned it into a student house.

Because, SarahPaula, you are the one that keeps suggesting that the screaming and shouting you experienced as a child has any relevance to the posters on this thread.

You keep telling them again and again how horrible mums who regret their decisions are because shouting and screaming is bad for a child, and you never once stop to consider that maybe they are not shouting and screaming, maybe they are actually kindly people doing their best to make their children feel loved, maybe they are coming on here to seek support precisely so they don't lose patience in real life and upset their children.

I don't see anyone else on this thread making such a massive leap.

And for the record, I don't actually regret having my children- I enjoyed child-rearing, I was lucky, I had a lot of fun. I just hate seeing other parents laid into when they're feeling vulnerable.

You see I thin there was different levels of regret.
You can regret your old life or the missed opportunities. And still get on about your life, out your dc first etc....
You can regret having children and do the minimum So the dc is fed and clothe, looked after but in so ways ‘from a distance’ in a more detached way.

And then you can regret and be deeply resentful of your life and the very people who brought the change. Aka the children. I’d each time you have a struggle (and there are many opportunities with children!), the only thing that cross your mind is ‘this is the child’s fault. I hate them, I hate the life I have because of them’. The yes I agree the child WILL know, whether you’ve said it aloud or not.
I do t think that’s the case in the first two positions, even though the second can be damaging too.

All the posters on this thread are people that belong to the first category though. Yes it’s hard work, actually if i was to do it again, I wouldn’t and I regret to have done so. However, I still LOVE those children and care for them as any other other would.

FWIW, I also suspect that some parents are also both abusive towards their dcs and very happy to be parents (so no regret or resentment there)

I delayed having my one and only child until I was almost 43, by when I had done most of the things I wanted to do. When DC was delivered, it was an epiphany and I was pretty happy to work part time. But there was no opportunity to resume my career, because I had been freelance for years. I retrained as a teacher, but if you're 50+, no school wants to know.

All mothers shout at their children at one point or another.

It doesn't denote an abusive experience for the child.

@Duggeehugs82 but you always have a chance of having a disabled child, every pregnancy is a gamble. That's not a secret! People know that when they choose to have kids.

Ohalrightthen

Whilst that may be true its not usually the first consideration when TTC.
The odds are stacked against it and ita human nature to have a relative normalcy bias.

I would never say it but definitely feel it at times.
DC are selfish and thankless it swings in a round about within hours of thinking my life is shit I'm thinking I love the bones off them.

@ChelseeDagger

Ohalrightthen

Whilst that may be true its not usually the first consideration when TTC.
The odds are stacked against it and ita human nature to have a relative normalcy bias.

Surely that's just another vote for "actually fucking think it through before you have a kid" though?

@BewilderedDoughnut

You can't do it all in 4 lifetimes let alone decades.

But what I have done up until now I'm happy with. It's been pretty full which I've no need to bore anyone with.

Your life doesn't need to end with having a child. You can carry on exploring the world together.

I would probably have regretted having more children than the one I have which is why I only have the one

Yes life was better and more relaxed without them. I hate being restricted.
But then if I chose not to have any children what would I be doing now? Wondering what it would be like to be mother!
So either way you can't win.
For most women the natural maternal instinct kicks in at some point and that's when you decide you want a child. When you want a child that is all you think about. Then there are the social pressures of how your life should plan out- marriage children etc. So I don't think I would be happy either way!

@Gobbycop I can't keep exploring because of my dc needs (ASD). We can barely leave the house most days.

DS2 went out with a girl whose mum told her that they never wanted kids. She was packed off to boarding school in the same county and they built her a flat for when she came home at 18. They lived in a four bedroomed house with large gardens. She cried at Christmas when she came over on Boxing Day and saw my lovely family a bit squashed in our three bedroomed cottage and how we care for each other and we had bought her a present.

Who tells their child that? They thought my son wasn’t good enough for her after two years. He is a good son, he treated her very well. He has a good job, his own house and a lovely car. He is a very kind lad who has lots of friends. I couldn’t help but have a little 🤭smirk when her dad was in the paper for fraud he had made his money from swindling other people. They kept their smart cars and house because he had put them all in his wife’s name. I would rather earn mine honestly.
The daughter was lovely but very needy. She left my son for someone else then realised her mistake.

Ohalrightthen

Same as commuting every day though.
Most people don't die in RTAs. Normalcy bias at work.
So you get life insurance in case the worst happens.
So you make contingency plans in case your child isnt NT.

Nobody needs to drive.

Nobody needs to be a parent.

But shit still happens. C'est la vie.

Your life doesn't need to end with having a child. You can carry on exploring the world together.

Good point, well made.

What I just don't understand sometimes is the lack of empathy for children.

If you look at Mumsnet:

There are so , so many threads about

"I suffered really bad child abuse"
"My mother was a terrible mother"
"My mother was a distant mother.

There are so many threads on here from women saying that they had terrible childhoods, terrible mothers and awful lives.

So many.

Yet then you have threads like these, where women are repeating the exact same mistakes of their mothers.

If you know that a distant, cruel, uncaring mother does a lot of damage to a person's life, why are you then doing the same to your child? You know the pain it will cause them.

A mother does not have to scream and shout to hurt the child. There are plenty of threads on here from women who felt they had a terrible childhoods because their mothers were distant, unemotional, neglectful.

It is like the cycle of abuse keeps continuing.

To answer SarahPaula: I do not regret having my child. He is the sparkle that makes each day better. It was sometimes drudgery, but now DS is a young adult, and an interesting person, it's wonderful. He's away at university now but FaceTimes every three or four days to catch up for 35-40 minutes. We miss his company and his presence, but it's thrilling to watch your chick stretch his wings and grow in stature among his contemporaries. Suddenly, I feel that I did okay as a parent.

[quote Ohalrightthen]@Duggeehugs82 but you always have a chance of having a disabled child, every pregnancy is a gamble. That's not a secret! People know that when they choose to have kids.[/quote]
Its not a 50 50 thing, its much less. So no i didnt consider there would be a high chance of a sn child as they wouldnt be. Also there r vairing degrees. I also feel my feelings on it is valid. Of course i wouldnt choose to think this. But i cannot help feeling like this. And obviously there is nothing i can do now. Just try and live best life i can with my daughter.

@ChelseeDagger

Your life doesn't need to end with having a child. You can carry on exploring the world together.

Good point, well made.

Yes when u have a child that is able to do that, not every child is able.