Mum says she wishes she never had children as 'life was better without them'

[toothfairy73]

I have just seen this headline in a Newspaper. A anonymous mum has written this letter stating the above.

apple.news/A7zR8oawtR6OFxqP2tijb6g

What are your thoughts? I'm sure we have all had moments where we miss our old lives. It sounds like it is written by someone deeply unhappy and in need of some support. AIBU to think this is someone who is desperate for a bit of time alone and some support?What do you think?

This is such an interesting thread! I'm surprised by how many are saying they regret having children, or wouldn't have them again, given the choice to go back. I'm mid-30s and DS is 10 months. He's what people would probably describe as a difficult baby, e.g. the breastfeeding was horrendous and he's never slept longer than 2 hours in a row his whole life, but I adore him. If I had my time again I'd have started much younger and had more, I'm a bit sad that I'll probably only manage to have 1 or 2.

I’ve found being a mum much harder than expected, but don’t regret it.

However

• I only have one
• DC has been relatively easy, ok sleeper etc
• I have a supportive DH
• We have supportive grandparents, who are local and willing to help
• I had a career I could return to part time that can be done flexibly
• We are not short of money, so for example, I sometimes have a half day off work when DC at nursery / with grandma. No added stress of money worries and get time to myself
• DH and I both in good health & fitness
• We have a nice house, in a nice area with lots to do for kids and a nice garden

I imagine without those things it would be much much tougher

There was also a poll on Loose Women a few months ago, and I think it was around 30% who said if they could go back, they wouldn't have had them

And that’s just the people willing to admit it to themselves. It’s probably at least double that figure.

This thread makes me so sad. It's definitely fairly common to wonder how life would be if you weren't a parent. There are so many factors but........ I didnt ever want children, I didn't consider myself maternal. I liked having freedom, travelling, a social life, ect.
My mum always said to me, you need a career so you could support yourself as a single parent because that's a fairly outcome. She also said should I choose to have children I need to pick the father of my children wisely because we will be tied forever... 🤦
Well I met the man of my dreams, we got married and had a fabulous childless life until our boy arrived 4 years ago.
Life is different but not worse, we have fun, have lovely holidays, famy days out and my husband is a wonderful father, so I choose well.

I find it incredibly hard and if I had my time back I'd never have kids. And that's not to say I don't love the kids I have, I do dearly.
But I never in my wildest dreams signed up to do it alone: and all the stress of doing so has caused a chronic illness. I look at my friends who can go be spontaneous and have fun and wish I could be like that. I've been a parent my whole adult life. It's hard and sometimes I think unfulfilling and the most thankless job I've ever had.

My mum always told us she wishes she’d never had us, wish she’d had us adopted, kids ruined her life etc. I used to think why did she have kids then? Take responsibility for your own choices

I don’t regret my kids, they are amazing
However had I known the anxiety and exhaustion they brought beforehand I may have chosen not to have them. My situation is influenced by having a child with a disability and no family support whatsoever. It’s been really, really hard.
I am determined that if my kids choose to have kids I’ll support them 100% as the isolation of being unsupported is actually really traumatic.

As a child of someone who wishes she'd never had children, i can tell you it's awful.. I'm now 57 and being 'blamed' for being alive has really impacted my life, and affected all my relationships.
My thinking is, i didn't ask to be born, it was her decision not mine.
As a lone parent to 2 now grown up boys, they have always been my no.1 priority, even when times were really really bad, i'd never ever blame them for being around or ruining my life. I know too well how it feels!

@Annabanana455

I’ve found being a mum much harder than expected, but don’t regret it.

However

• I only have one
• DC has been relatively easy, ok sleeper etc
• I have a supportive DH
• We have supportive grandparents, who are local and willing to help
• I had a career I could return to part time that can be done flexibly
• We are not short of money, so for example, I sometimes have a half day off work when DC at nursery / with grandma. No added stress of money worries and get time to myself
• DH and I both in good health & fitness
• We have a nice house, in a nice area with lots to do for kids and a nice garden

I imagine without those things it would be much much tougher

In other words you waited till you had an education, marketable skills, work experience, a financial cushion and a stable, time-tested relationship with a man of integrity. If everyone did all of the above there would be fewer miserable mums.

jellykat so sorry. My mum said she'd always wanted a boy but ended up with me! It's awful. I adore my children and can't imagine ever resenting or regretting their existence.

@Whatshouldicallme

I am getting to an age where I really need to decide but feel totally ambivalent. I've always pictured myself having children "one day" but now I'm getting older and still feel it should be at least another 10 years away. I'm totally content carrying on with my life as it is. I still have lots of things I'd like to do before I have a child. I'm terrified I will feel this way, but also terrified I will later want a child and it will be too late.

Better to regret the absence of a child than the presence of one.

You can make a positive difference in the life of children not your own. And enjoy them.

The trouble is financial cushions and marketable skills in an ever-changing market are harder and harder to come by. As someone with no wider family support who's watched their work sector be destroyed by politics, and had to watch the house prices quadruple in 2 years 20 years ago, I often wish I hadn't bothered. Kids are wonderful and all that, but they trap women, in what is a bad economic time. And it's going to get worse! Hurray, can hardly wait.

@imfatletsparty

"Well yes quite! they may say that, but were the OK with their mums having them?. If not then they ought exit this world!! harsh i know but.."

I didn't know people have a choice in being born or not?

Any time there's a suggestion that not everyone needs to reproduce, someone trots out that "good thing your parents didn't think that way" mindless gibberish. usually followed by the veiled suggestion that the non-breeder needs to off herself. Absurd and frankly a bit sicko.

Also I am the child of parents who were bitterly disappointed they didn’t have a boy. They probably didn’t regret having kids as they just continued their usual lifestyle and I basically brought myself up.
As a child I felt hugely unimportant and unloved
I think really even if you do regret kids, but life and nurture them it’s ok. It’s sometimes the case that people who say ‘my kids are my world’ who aren’t doing a great job.

Yipitsme Your comment is heartbreaking. My kid is disabled but not to the extent of many, I don’t know how people do it when their child is like that. I also feel bad for the kids living like this, it’s not good for either party, but what can we do?

I am another one that would really encourage women to think carefully before they have children.

I think hearing women saying "it is just what people do" and then go on and have children, does not cut it anymore.

You need to put serious thought into whether you would actually be able to care for a child or not. Before you have children.

Because if you have a child, and can't care for it, it is not one life you are ruining (yours), it is two lives that you will be ruining.

What upsets me is that I see so many threads on here about women who regret becoming mothers, and not one of those mothers talk about how hard it is for the child in that situation.

I see women on this thread saying that their mother regretted having them.

I am another person who grew up in the same situation. My mother regretted having me and my brother. To grow up with her for 18 years, with her screaming and shouting at us, and insulting us was sheer hell.

Think about it: a child in that situation has to live in an environment where some one much bigger than them, hates them, and screams and shouts at them for 18 years. It is like being in a torture chamber.

People get better human rights treatments in prisons.

All these posts on this thread saying "I regret being a mother", not one post is talking about how difficult it must be for the child. It makes me really annoyed.

why didn't you THINK more, before you had children.

It is me. I have one and would never ever have another. Maybe some ladies have great joy from it all, but I have yet to experience it.

@Hollowtree3 so just to ask you, why did you have that child?

@Sarahpaula I don't think my children have a clue. They are loved and well cared for. I would never tell them.

I also hear so often people calling babies a blessing or a miracle...fwiw, I absolutely adore babies but it's not a miracle...it's the result of unprotected sex...and whilst you will adore your child, children are a burden as much as they are a blessing.

Women really need to think more before having children.

Think about the child.

Too many children are growing up in absolute hellholes.

My mother screamed at and abused me for 18 years. She verbally and physically abused my brother. She hated being a mother.

We said to her so many times "why did you have children!". It was her choice. She said "oh that is just what people do - have children"

it wasn't my choice to live in hell and a torture chamber for 18 years.

Both me and my brother have attempted suicide as adults numerous times. Only that I know that attempting suicide is very physically painful - stops me from trying again. If I could painlessly die, I would.

Well yes quite! they may say that, but were the OK with their mums having them?. If not then they ought exit this world!! harsh i know but..

Thank you for this thread. Despite being fairly certain I don’t want children, I have been feeling the pressure lately. It’s helpful to know that it really doesn’t suit everyone.

I don’t want to risk the potential changes / damage to my body (it’s been through a lot in my life!) and also have a lovely, busy, and full life which I don’t want to compromise. Many call me selfish, but I just don’t think women HAVE to procreate?

Yes I think this. Would never admit it to anyone and certainly wouldn't tell them but if I could have my time again...

I love them so much now they are here but it hard work, expensive, and I am constantly worried about them and come to realise that I will worry about them for the rest of my life.

I can understand why women might regret having children. I work in a field where I'm in constant dealings with parents who are struggling, whether it be mental health, addiction, poverty, DV, SEN or generally shitty non involved parents (mostly dads but not always) etc. I'm in awe of how most of these parents cope in such awful circumstances. I would probably regret kids if this was my life too tbh.

I feel extremely privileged that I've never had to deal with those situations though so for me parenting is an absolute joy. I only have one dc though, after fertility issues then eventually ivf. We wanted a second but it didn't happen. Now I have completely accepted that for us one child has worked fantastic.

I had dc at 28 but I personally achieved most of my non parenting achievements in my 30's (masters/ phd/ good job etc). Having one dc has not been a barrier but I don't think I could've achieved those with 2. I don't think I would've even applied for a doctorate with 2 small children. My dh couldn't have coped with doing the bulk of nursery/ school/ parenting duties with no family nearby for those tough few years.

I am still very close to my group of 8 school friends (all late 30's). several are child free. They've brought children up in conversations and they say they are very happy with their lives at the minute. They say they don't feel a pressure to conform. I don't know if that's because they're high flying professionals with options??