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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

235 replies

AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:24

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 13/08/2020 15:27

Has your DSS explained why he doesn't like your son? How does your son interact with other kids, have you seen any behaviour that might explain why there are issues?

EKGEMS · 13/08/2020 15:29

Not at all. What does his father say to that? So do you speak up and say something? At seven you can explain to him simply that your son has an issue in his brain. I explained to my niece and nephews all under age ten about my son with severe cerebral palsy that he was sick right after he was born in his brain and that's why he's only able to say three words and uses a wheelchair,etcetera. They were just curious and had never been around a special needs child like him, although I would've thought before they came to visit mom and dad would've briefed them prior but it's my husband's family so go figure

Countrysidelife54 · 13/08/2020 15:30

Yanbu, dss needs to be pulled up on his treatment of ds there is a significant age difference there with ds only being 3.
Dss needs to be taught to be kind, to announce he doesnt like ds3 sounds mean and shooing him away.

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:34

@user1471457751

Has your DSS explained why he doesn't like your son? How does your son interact with other kids, have you seen any behaviour that might explain why there are issues?
The only explanation DSS has ever given is "I just like DD more"

I didn't press the topic with him as I didn't want to try and force a better relationship rather to let it grow organically.

Today though he's made it clear and said he outright doesn't like him.

DS doesn't interact with other kids at all, he will parallel play at nursery or the playground but never attempts to engage other children like he does DS.

An example of this would be today: DSS is dribbling a football around the yard and DS runs over to where he's playing and bounces up and down (that's his way of saying he wants to play too) DSS said "go away DS"

I said "he wants to play with you mate, he loves you"

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend"

Again later on, DSS is bouncing around the living room throwing and catching a balloon. DS goes over and bats the balloon, all smiles getting excited, DSS says he doesn't want him to play he wants DD to play instead.

DS gets hold of the balloon to take a turn and DSS takes it off him to give to DD.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:35

Cross posts, I've just seen there are more replies!

I'll be back shortly to answer more questions I just have to pop out.

OP posts:
dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 15:37

Yanbu to feel the way you do

But DSS doesn't have to like your DS, esp if, from what you describe he isn't a great playmate

I don't like one of my siblings, never have. Can't force people to like eachother, family or not

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 15:37

Hopefully he will grow out of it but I do think maybe your DH should speak to him about having a bit of empathy and not being mean to his brother

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 13/08/2020 15:39

Your DSS is still very young at 7 and perhaps just doesn't understand the difference in ages - between 3 and 7 is a big jump. Added on is the autism factor, difficult for many adults to understand never mind a 7 year old. Your DSS needs time and patience to get to know and learn how to deal with a 4 year younger autistic "brother".

AryaStarkWolf · 13/08/2020 15:40

@dwiz8

Yanbu to feel the way you do

But DSS doesn't have to like your DS, esp if, from what you describe he isn't a great playmate

I don't like one of my siblings, never have. Can't force people to like eachother, family or not

ffs we're talking about a 3 year old here, kids should also be taught not to be cruel
dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 15:42

@AryaStarkWolf nothing the OP has said indicates DSS being cruel

PlanetMJ · 13/08/2020 15:46

Well I think DSS at 7 is old enough to understand that this is horrible behaviour. My 5 year old understands about being kind and making sure nobody gets left out when playing. They also understand that little kids are little and sometimes annoying but we still have to be nice to them.
If DS was continuously interuppting DSS's games that would be different and some frustration understandable, but not these mean comments. Kids get taught about bullying at school and this smacks of bullying to me.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 15:49

Oh no no no.

He's 7, not 4.

I'd have absolutely ZERO tolerance for this kind of dynamic.

It's your DH's duty to step up for DSS too here, and make it clear that it's not ok to act like this - the taking the balloon off him and giving it to DD is verging on bullying behaviour.

Yes it's likely that his autism is the driver. Your DSS is seeing someone slightly 'different' and this is his response. Not Good.

It's a million miles away from 'You can't force someone to like someone'/not all siblings get on. He's significantly older than both of them, he is to treat them equally respectfully and you both KNOW it's not a case of him 'getting along better' with a 15 month old Hmm

Time to draw a clear line.

Your DH has a word about kindness and equal treatment... and what can be bullying.

You reinforce.

No getting away with anything. 'You like DD better, well I'm sure when DD is a bit bigger she won't at all like you not wanting her big brother to join in. That seems mean.'

Don't let this be brushed off, for your DSS sake most of all really.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 15:50

It would perhaps be different if you had a DD of say 6 and an irritating little brother dynamic with your DS, who eg kept interrupting their games.

But you know it's not that.

He's started to experiment with a little light bullying on a smaller and very clearly weaker child. Stamp it out NOW.

Countrysidelife54 · 13/08/2020 15:53

I also think dss is old enough to understand the way he is treating him is horrible.
I am sorry but you shouldnt let this continue it sounds horrible.
Your dss needs to be taught kindness.

HarrietSchulenberg · 13/08/2020 15:56

Is DSS the only child at his other house? I am an only child and at 7 utterly hated having to include friends' and cousins' younger siblings in our play, as did they. It was always, without exception, a parent-initiated interaction that only the younger parties liked. It really isn't fair to expect a 3 and a 7 year old to play happily together if one of them does not want to.

Vivi0 · 13/08/2020 15:56

This has made me feel so sad.

Your poor DS.

I have nothing useful to add beyond what @FizzyGreenWater has said.

Illuyanka · 13/08/2020 15:57

What does his dad say? He needs to have a word with dss about your ds's condition and being kind.

mediciempire · 13/08/2020 15:58

This would really piss me off. He should be able to feel loved and comfortable with his family not treated like he's being annoying for simply wanting to play. DSS honestly sounds quite nasty and like he's trying to isolate DS from DD.

GreyGoose1980 · 13/08/2020 15:59

I agree with @FizzyGreenWater. Kids should be taught it’s not acceptable to be unkind. Natural preferences can develop between siblings but the behaviour you describe is not on.

mediciempire · 13/08/2020 15:59

And big yes to his dad needing to say something!

LovingLola · 13/08/2020 16:01

How often does your dss come to your house? Is his father there to see the interaction between his sons?

Zilla1 · 13/08/2020 16:01

That must be most upsetting OP. All I can suggest is a conversation either with you (or DSS' DF depending on family dynamics) explaining how much your DS loves DSS and encouraging kindness with DS, even if by rewards to DSS that 'shouldn't' be needed but if bribes help DSS change their behaviour and make DS happy by DSS playing with him then it might be helpful.

Good luck.

Pobblebonk · 13/08/2020 16:02

DSS doesn't have to like his half brother, but he does have to learn to be kind and tolerant. Certainly time for his father to have a chat with him.

FizzyGreenWater · 13/08/2020 16:02

It really isn't fair to expect a 3 and a 7 year old to play happily together if one of them does not want to.

DSS saying 'No thank you I don't want to play with the little ones, can I spend time with my Dad/watch my DVD/read my book please' = absolutely fine.

DSS saying 'I don't like YOU ds, you're not my friend' and taking the balloon off him to give to a 15 month old that he 'prefers' to play with = totally not ok bullying nonsense which needs to be cracked down on pronto.

Leaannb · 13/08/2020 16:02

The more you push the more resentment that is going to happen. Just because you are family doesn't mean you are friends