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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

235 replies

AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 15:24

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

OP posts:
dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 18:46

@HollowTalk might not be nice but it's true

If he is non verbal and 3 years old he isn't going to be a great playmate to a 7 year old.

When I was 7 I wouldn't play with my youngest sibling. He was annoying and couldn't keep up with the games I wanted to play. Same applied to all my friends with younger siblings

Gogogadgetarms · 13/08/2020 18:48

@dwiz8 but he happily plays with his sister who is 18 months?!

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 18:50

[quote Gogogadgetarms]@dwiz8 but he happily plays with his sister who is 18 months?![/quote]
Yep. 18 month olds are cute and easier to play with than an annoying 3 year old

Also quite often you can 'play' with an 18 month old in a way you want, whereas to play with a 3 year old there is some back and fourth

It's ridiculous to sit there and expect a 7 year old to want to play with a 3 year old brother who is also non verbal which won't help the matter.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2020 18:56

@gobbynorthernbird

He was three when DH and his ex separated

So a year after his parents split he has a stepmum and a new sibling?

That’s a huge amount of upheaval for a child, maybe he associates your DS with that enormous change in his life.
AlternativePerspective · 13/08/2020 18:57

He was three when DH and his ex separated I hate to ask this, as usually I am a bit Hmm when this comes up, but were you the OW? Because it’s an awfully quick time between his parents separating and you having a baby, you must have got pregnant almost as soon as his parents separated.

And this could explain why your DH is so passive, if he feels guilty and realises the harm he’s caused to his DS by becoming involved with someone and having another child so soon after his separation. In fact he may feel that even if you weren’t an OW.

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2020 19:06

what would have been an appropriate thing for him to say? Or should he just capitulate?

Just that he didn't want to play, without the "I don't like him, he's not my friend". That is the part that is targeted and unacceptably rude to say to anyone unless provoked. I wouldn't expect him to want to play with him, but I draw the line at this level of aggro over toys. If a child can't be nice when playing with it then I take it away.

AskingforaBaskin · 13/08/2020 19:09

@aSofaNearYou

what would have been an appropriate thing for him to say? Or should he just capitulate?

Just that he didn't want to play, without the "I don't like him, he's not my friend". That is the part that is targeted and unacceptably rude to say to anyone unless provoked. I wouldn't expect him to want to play with him, but I draw the line at this level of aggro over toys. If a child can't be nice when playing with it then I take it away.

You are thinking of this as an adult. A child is being honest. Because we drill into them that honesty is above all else.

He doesn't like him and therefore doesn't want to play with him.
This is a fact. And he probably thinks that by being honest he is being good. Because children get praised for telling the truth.

He doesn't want to play with him.

People can't keep popping kids out expecting them to be the Brady bunch and pushing the older siblings to be caretakers to siblings they never asked for.

TitianaTitsling · 13/08/2020 19:11

*He was three when DH and his ex separated

So a year after his parents split he has a stepmum and a new sibling?

That’s a huge amount of upheaval for a child, maybe he associates your DS with that enormous change in his life.*

For some reason it won't let me quote but that is a massive upheaval for him.

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 19:14

@AlternativePerspective

He was three when DH and his ex separated I hate to ask this, as usually I am a bit Hmm when this comes up, but were you the OW? Because it’s an awfully quick time between his parents separating and you having a baby, you must have got pregnant almost as soon as his parents separated.

And this could explain why your DH is so passive, if he feels guilty and realises the harm he’s caused to his DS by becoming involved with someone and having another child so soon after his separation. In fact he may feel that even if you weren’t an OW.

I was %100 not the other woman no. DH was well and truly single when we met.

Both him and his ex moved on quickly because they had been living like friends for the last 18 months of the marriage.

There's no animosity between any of us, me DH his ex or her new partner.

OP posts:
TitianaTitsling · 13/08/2020 19:15

Both him and his ex moved on quickly because they had been living like friends for the last 18 months of the marriage.. Did dss know this?

AskingforaBaskin · 13/08/2020 19:20

None of you really had a right to not place the child at the centre of all your plans though.

gobbynorthernbird · 13/08/2020 19:23

None of the adults involved gave a shit about the effect that these huge changes would have on the existing child, but you expect a 7 year old to show more maturity.

Balkin · 13/08/2020 19:29

Gosh that's very quick to move on with you and have another child. Was your DS planned? I know that sounds like a rude question but you must have been pregnant pretty much straight away?

Anyway, I do think your DH could speak to him about being kinder to his brother. But there is also an element of siblings just being like this sometimes I think. I have 2 DSC who are closeish in age and they are always talking to each other like this 'go away', 'give it back, it's mine', 'leave me alone', 'Balkin, X breathed near me when I asked him not to' etc etc...

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2020 19:30

@AskingforaBaskin I'm not thinking of it as an adult, I just don't encourage children to be that brutally honest. I'm not sending them any mixed messages. If they say something like that I tell them it was unkind and that they need to consider the feelings of others. If a toy causes them to act in such an unkind way then the consequence would be that they wouldn't get to play with the toy.

AlternativePerspective · 13/08/2020 19:35

Well, irrespective of how you got together, it doesn’t change the fact that when he was the age your child is now all the adults in his life chose to steamroller ahead with new relationships and shiny new children without any thought as to how he felt, and now those same adults are expecting him to be the one who is nice. Why should he? When nobody has ever given a shit about what is best for him

He’s acting by example....

itsgettingweird · 13/08/2020 19:43

@AlternativePerspective

Well, irrespective of how you got together, it doesn’t change the fact that when he was the age your child is now all the adults in his life chose to steamroller ahead with new relationships and shiny new children without any thought as to how he felt, and now those same adults are expecting him to be the one who is nice. Why should he? When nobody has ever given a shit about what is best for him

He’s acting by example....

What explanation does that give for the fact he doesn't treat the other half sibling the same and actually likes her?

OP I'm from a large family and have loads of cousins etc. We all camped together as kids. Obviously we had friendship groups etc.

Any excluding based on just not wanting to play was jumped on immediately. If you didn't want everyone joining in you left the game.
However if you were trying to join in and take over or weren't being nice it was also made clear that didn't fly either and no one was forced to let you join in.

So I'd say to DSS. You can have your personal feeling about your brother. However - in this house everyone gets to share and join in if they are playing nicely. The only time anyone is removed is if an adult removes them for playing unkindly.
Please tell me if ds is unkind so I can sort it.

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 19:48

Oh here come the judgemental fuckers turning this into something else completely, I wondered how long it would take given the fact it's in AIBU Hmm

People can't keep popping kids out expecting them to be the Brady bunch and pushing the older siblings to be caretakers to siblings they never asked for.

Where did you pull that assumption from, your arse? Nobody, least of all me, has ever expected DSS to be a 'caretaker' to DS. What an ridiculous comment to make. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own child thanks, but if ever the need arises for a 'caretaker' it won't be a 7 year old I ask Wink

This is nothing to do with DSS not wanting siblings, he is besotted with DD.

NOBODY IS FORCING HIM TO PLAY WITH DS or take care of him IT JUST UPSETS ME WHEN HE'S UNKIND.

OP posts:
Balkin · 13/08/2020 19:50

Well I guess people are wondering whether the fact your DSS had a new sibling on the way pretty much straight after his parents split, has anything to do with how he feels toward your DS 🤷‍♀️

Illuyanka · 13/08/2020 19:53

Even he was single when you met your dh, it must have been quite hard for your dss to be separated from him, then have a half sibling living with his dad quite soon, getting all his attention.

gobbynorthernbird · 13/08/2020 19:53

Op, if you're coming on here because you believe that your DSS has behavioural issues then people might point out the really bloody obvious cause.

AlternativePerspective · 13/08/2020 19:54

What explanation does that give for the fact he doesn't treat the other half sibling the same and actually likes her? The older child is likely associated with his being unsettled due to his parents splitting then rapidly moving on and having another child. It’s likely that he disliked the child as soon as he came along and that hasn’t changed. Now that life has moved forward and there’s another child, that child isn’t associated with anything bad, but his dislike for the older child still exists because it always has.

It’s possibly even subconscious at this point....

Digestive28 · 13/08/2020 19:55

There are some lovely resources out there for siblings of children with autism, have a look at the national autistic website - it won’t solve it all but may be a way to start a conversation about how he feels

dwiz8 · 13/08/2020 19:58

@AlittleSad5

Oh here come the judgemental fuckers turning this into something else completely, I wondered how long it would take given the fact it's in AIBU Hmm

People can't keep popping kids out expecting them to be the Brady bunch and pushing the older siblings to be caretakers to siblings they never asked for.

Where did you pull that assumption from, your arse? Nobody, least of all me, has ever expected DSS to be a 'caretaker' to DS. What an ridiculous comment to make. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my own child thanks, but if ever the need arises for a 'caretaker' it won't be a 7 year old I ask Wink

This is nothing to do with DSS not wanting siblings, he is besotted with DD.

NOBODY IS FORCING HIM TO PLAY WITH DS or take care of him IT JUST UPSETS ME WHEN HE'S UNKIND.

Touchy

News flash, kids are honest, brutally so sometimes

Saying he doesn't like his brother isn't unkind. It's what he feels and is verbalising that to you when you push him to play with his brother, who he doesn't want to play with.

Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 20:01

So DS should pay the price, and be on the receiving end of DSS being unkind for the fact me and DH didn't wait years to get together?

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?

Ok.

Judge me and DH all you like, you're the only ones who are. DSS has never been pushed out.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlittleSad5 · 13/08/2020 20:02

I'm extremely touchy yes, look at some of those replies. I wouldn't dream of speaking to or about people in that way, for posting what I have.

OP posts: