To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

I'm taking on board what people are saying, when it comes across as constructive criticism and not just daggers.. I am listening.

I'll never force DSS to play with DS and it's absolutely his prerogative to not like him or find him annoying, all I want is for him to be tolerant.

I'm not blaming DSS for how I feel as that's on me.

DH, his ex and I are all on the same page with regards to DSS feeling secure - he does.

However, we will continue to ensure that is the case.

I'd be inclined to say...

'You do not have to like him, nor do you have to be his best friend. However, you do have to treat him kindly, as you would like to be treated yourself, and that will sometimes mean playing with him, and it will always mean not saying unkind things to him, or behaving rudely or uncaringly towards him.'

Im 40, I absolutely do not always LIKE my sister, frankly much of the time she is an absolute twat. However, I am rarely horrible to her and I do love her!

all I want is for him to be tolerant

Siblings will not always be tolerant of each other. It is well known that siblings argue and fight and can dislike each other, not want to play together, get irritated by each other or annoyed, say horrible things to one another etc...

Yes say something to him when it happens but I think you do have to get used to a certain degree of sibling 'nastiness'. It is entirely normal, especially in young children.

@WiddlinDiddlin

I'd be inclined to say...

'You do not have to like him, nor do you have to be his best friend. However, you do have to treat him kindly, as you would like to be treated yourself, and that will sometimes mean playing with him, and it will always mean not saying unkind things to him, or behaving rudely or uncaringly towards him.'

Im 40, I absolutely do not always LIKE my sister, frankly much of the time she is an absolute twat. However, I am rarely horrible to her and I do love her!

Very well put. The next time something like this comes up I'll say that, or words to that effect.

Yes say something to him when it happens but I think you do have to get used to a certain degree of sibling 'nastiness'. It is entirely normal, especially in young children.

I see your point yes.

On the surface I know this isn't anything out of the ordinary for siblings, the reason it upset me as much as it did is because engagement is such a big thing for DS. We've never seen him attempt to play with any other child before so to us it was an incredible achievement.

I'm not putting any of that on DSS, I appreciate that those are just my feelings.

On the surface I know this isn't anything out of the ordinary for siblings, the reason it upset me as much as it did is because engagement is such a big thing for DS. We've never seen him attempt to play with any other child before so to us it was an incredible achievement

Yeah I can understand that. And don't get me wrong, I understand why you are upset. But I think as you say it's more because of your DS's struggles.

Try and see it for what it is, a young boy being irritated by his little brother. Happens all the time so try not to take it personally (for your son), pull DSS up and tell him to be kind but also understand and accept that this will happen sometimes (bloody often if ours are anything to go by!)

I said to ours the other day that they may be best friends when they are older and goodness me, they were absolutely appalled by the suggestion! 😂

Be tolerant serms a big concept for a 7 year old.
Maybe try some other approavhes
For exzmpke sit wiith dss draw a family tree
Who goes where?

Or ask him to draw your house aNd everyond in it.
Where does he put ds? Anx dd? Anx you and dh? What does he look like? Ask dss what ds is doing. Let him talk and show you how he sees it.

Play "my best day out" where do you go? Who with? If he leaves ds out you coukd ask oh where woukd ds be? Do you think he would like this? Why not? Who should look after ds?
You can listen to what dss is telling you in order to think of ways to address it.

Meanwhile how does ds communicate?

To add and reiterate, all I ever expect from DSS is tolerance. Nothing more
But you need to define, as a family, what this entail. Everyone needs to be resent and making him guilty or that he is mean when he is fed up is intolerant of his needs too.

You need to have more structure play. Rather than your dss playing on his own, then letting you DS go to him, annoy him, and then telling DSS off for not letting play, when he might have stepped out to have a break on his own, you need to designate times when they play together with you/oh involved and leading the play. This could be for 15/20mbs, and dss has to participate and be kind during that time.

When he plays alone and wants to be alone, he needs to tell your DS that he wants to be alone right now and you/your oh need to respect that by not imposing your DS on him at that time.

It sounds as if Ds and DSS are in good hands!

It sounds as if you treat them both well and they are growing up in a secure family. They are both very young and both have much to learn.

Luckily, they will be guided on how to treat each other by your example (and your gentle leadership).

For you though - I feel how tough some of this is to watch.

If only it was possible for us to completely smooth out the paths of our 'different' child. Being there as help and support is the best we can do.

(In my fifties and still learning about my siblings :) )

I don't think 4 year olds have any actual concept of having a brother (or sister). I mean, HOW it happens. At 7+, he is beginning to put 2 and 2 together and realise that you and his father made the baby, where as his dad and his mum made him. Again, you are ascribing adult understanding to a 4 year old child and 7 year old child. He didn't understand how exactly his brother came about, he probably thought you and his dad were giving him a brother, and maybe now he is realising how it happened, and his mother wasn't part of it. Yeah, perhaps I'm drawing a long bow. But I also think it is drawing a long bow to suggest a (then) 4 year old understands what is happening when it is happening so very quickly. The birth of his sister maybe clarified it in his mind.