To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

YANBU to be upset, but I don't think you should force the issue. Some times siblings just don't get on, and when you add step issues into the mix there is even more chance for jealousy and rivalry. It may not even be because of his additional needs, he might not just like him and I think it is every person's right to feel this way. He should be called out for saying this to his face though.

I would reiterate that the DSS should not be expected to be a companion or helpmate for your DS, and taking toys away from him (as some have suggested) as a punishment for not playing with him will be very counterproductive.

@Gogogadgetarms

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend"

A NT 7 year old saying this to any 3 year old is not ok. I hope you told him that at the time.

Tbh (whilst I know this isn’t the “right” thing to do) I’d be inclined to tell the older child you play with both children or none. You don’t get to exclude one in favour of the other. Rinse and repeat. You want to play with your sister then you don’t exclude your brother. End of. No alternative.

What an awful suggestion

Does your SS live with you? If he doesnt (and possibly even if he does) he may be hugely jealous of his dad playing daddy to another little boy.

If it is jealousy then this needs very careful handling unless you want to drive a permanent wedge between the 2 boys.

Thank you for all of your replies

To answer some questions..

DS and DD are both DH's children yes, so they are both half siblings of DSS.

DH did address DSS when it happened, in a gentle way, but only because I gave him 'the look'

He's not strict in the slightest (not that I expected him to shout or punish DSS - not at all) I just feel he could have said a bit more than he did.

When DSS took the balloon away from DS, DH said "No son you must share with everybody" rather than seizing the opportunity to have a proper talk about being kind to DS in general.

As the afternoon went on I addressed it myself (kindly of course) and said how whilst I'm sure DS may be a little annoying to him sometimes, DS loves spending time with him and it would make DS (and me) happy if he will be kind to him.

DSS knows that DS has autism but he doesn't fully understand what it is, just that autism is the reason DS doesn't speak and he needs some extra help with things.

@dwiz8

Yanbu to feel the way you do

But DSS doesn't have to like your DS, esp if, from what you describe he isn't a great playmate

I don't like one of my siblings, never have. Can't force people to like eachother, family or not

Have you ever thought that "he isn't a great playmate" is actually a very cruel thing to say about a child with special needs who wants to play with his older brother?

DSS does not live with us no. He comes every weekend but since lockdown and the school being closed he has been coming during the week too.

How often does your stepson come to your house?

Sorry - cross posted.

Does he stay overnights? Or just a couple of hours each time ?

Is there any possibility that DSS also has autism (as there’s a strong genetic component)? I only ask, because “I don’t like him and he’s not my friend” is the sort of thing my DS (who has ASD) might have said at that age. In his mind, it would just be an honest, factually correct statement and he wouldn’t have had the empathy to understand why you or your son would be hurt by it. (He’s 9 now and becoming more aware of tact and respecting people’s feelings, but it’s not always easy for him).

Also agree with other posters who queried whether DSS might be jealous as DS gets to live with their dad full time and he doesn’t. Your DD might seem like less of a “threat” because she’s still a baby. How was he with your son when he was tiny?

Sounds like he’s jealous. He could feel pushed out as he thinks your son’s taken the attention away from him. In turn he’s giving all his attention to the younger kid to reinforce his feelings.

He stays overnight on the weekend, when he comes during the week he's here noon until evening then goes home.

Is there any possibility that DSS also has autism

Actually, I have wondered this myself but DH won't hear of it. He also wouldn't hear of it when I raised flags about our DS when he was 9 months old - excessive stimming - but it turns out I was right all along.

He gets alot of attention when he comes round, DH does spoil him alot.

This is hard for you to watch OP - but remember that 7 and 3 year olds often don't play well together anyway.

When you are 7, 3 year olds can be a bit boring even when not very annoying. However, babies seem specially designed to be attractive and have the 'cute' factor that softens most of us.

Perhaps your DS is learning something about communication from the interaction with another person (DSS)even if that person is not always friendly. (Though my heart would hurt for him too when he is rejected.)

How old was dss when his parents separated and when you got together/ married? He was 4? When DS was born so tricky age?

"I dont like him and he's not my friend"

may be an honest answer, or a brother's answer. And he's right, they are brothers not friends. A very different relationship in both positive and negative ways.

For now OP could you /your husband scaffold games, so that dss is not playing with ds but both are playing with you?

In his 7 years on this planet, your stepson's parents have separated, his dad remarried, and had two additional kids who he lives with full-time. That's a lot for a little guy to have to deal with. So much of it isn't fair.

I think you just need to keep reminding him to be kind. He'll probably grow out of this.

@dwiz8 I’m teaching my children to be kind to others.
You clearly think it’s ok for one child to exclude another because they have ASD. I don’t.

@TitianaTitsling

How old was dss when his parents separated and when you got together/ married? He was 4? When DS was born so tricky age?

He was three when DH and his ex separated

DSS's behaviour doesn't sound very unreasonable.

What does DS have to offer DSS (from DSS's point of view)?
-DS takes away some of your attention (and lives with his dad)
-DS doesn't 'get' the games that DS plays and so probably spoils them.
-DS doesn't offer status-by-association as an older sibling might
-DS isn't 'cute' as a baby is
-everyone expects DSS to like him. (It is very annoying to have your friends chosen for you.)

Can you add some positives to counter all this? It isn't easy but might be possible.

-Could playing (even for a moment) with DS merit (MUCH) praise and attention to DSS's kindness? (I think it probably better not to EXPECT him to do or offer anything to DS. Don't make it a duty for DSS.; praise anything kind as special neighbourlyness)
-Could you sometimes team up with DSS as the older/cleverer ones who are together looking out for DS and being affectionately amused by his youthful errors. Sometimes be 'we' with DSS on the subject of DS. ( DS isn't 'your brother', he is 'ours'.)

Learning that the role of 'big brother' puts you up with the parents is a rise in status (like being the prefect/monitor/great-being-in-charge-of washing-paint-brushes in school :)) and this is attractive to most 7 year olds. Perhaps this might help?

I was always told to aim for amused tolerance between siblings and not to demand love. My own siblings are sometimes wonderful and sometimes very annoying. Nothing is constant.

@aSofaNearYou

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend

Personally I would have taken the toy off DSS after saying that. He needs to understand that this is not an appropriate thing to say.

I would have too.

[quote Gogogadgetarms]@dwiz8 I’m teaching my children to be kind to others.
You clearly think it’s ok for one child to exclude another because they have ASD. I don’t.[/quote]
No one has said DSS is excluding him because he is SEN issues

Most 7 year olds won't want to play with 3 year old siblings. Him being SEN just adds to it.

This is a difficult one.

On the one hand, it is important for DS to be told to be kind rather than quite that brutal, but sadly a lot of seven year olds just are that brutal.

On the other hand, a lot of seven and three year olds don’t play together well, and this does often follow as they grow up. The younger child looks up to the older one, but the older one is resentful of the fact that they’re there at all. After all, he was an only child and then his dad left, married someone else and had two more kids all before he was even six. That’s a lot for a child to take on and be expected to just deal with.

Also, and this is the hardest one, a lot of children find it very difficult having siblings with disabilities. It’s not necessarily PC to say it outright, but a lot of people will say that having grown up with disabled siblings they found it difficult. It’s nobody’s fault, but suddenly there is a child who has such different needs and take up so much more attention than they do, and make their lives so very different, that it does breed resentment. Of course as many of these children grow up they develop natural empathy and protectiveness towards their disabled sibling, but this isn’t always easy.

It’s nobody’s fault, it’s human nature sadly, and all you, and especially your DH can do, is to emphasise that he should be kind.

I wouldn’t be “clamping down” on anything at this stage, just acknowledge even that you know he finds DS difficult, but that he needs to think about what he says and how he says it.

He was three when DH and his ex separated

So a year after his parents split he has a stepmum and a new sibling?

So @ravensoaponarope what would have been an appropriate thing for him to say? Or should he just capitulate?