To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

DSS replies, but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend

Again later on, DSS is bouncing around the living room throwing and catching a balloon. DS goes over and bats the balloon, all smiles getting excited, DSS says he doesn't want him to play he wants DD to play instead

DS gets hold of the balloon to take a turn and DSS takes it off him to give to DD

None of this is okay to be saying in earshot of DS DSS is 7 and is more than old enough to understand the words we use can hurt people and he should be remembering to be kind in the way he communicates. I would be very cross about this behaviour, DS shouldn't the made to feel less than in his own home.

OP - your DSS will learn eventually as there will be children who don't like him or want to play with him and he'll expect to be included. It's a painful lesson to learn and no, not all children like each other but it's expected - in a family - that sometimes you'll just have to heave-to and do something you'd rather not because it's the nice thing to do.

I also agree with PP about your DSS preferring his SS because she's a baby who can be 'bossed around' and manoeuvred. How does your daughter get on with your son and vice versa?

Taking away a toy will achieve nothing.
His father needs to invest a lot of time and thought in repairing the relationship between his boys. Does he spend much one on one time with the 7 year old?
And what’s the set up in his mother’s home ? Are their half or step siblings involved there too ?

@AlittleSad5

So DS should pay the price, and be on the receiving end of DSS being unkind for the fact me and DH didn't wait years to get together?

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?

Ok.

Judge me and DH all you like, you're the only ones who are. DSS has never been pushed out.

But it is your fault. Your DSS is 7, his behaviour reflects on what has happened in his life.

It's not uncommon or unkind for a 7 year old to not want to play with their 3 year old brother.

Saying he doesn't like his brother isn't unkind. It's what he feels and is verbalising that to you when you push him to play with his brother, who he doesn't want to play with.

Did you miss the rest of my post or have you just taken a disliking to me and want to zone in on the parts you can reference to make me sound unreasonable?

It's not about him not wanting to play with him, he will never be forced to. All I want is for him to be tolerant and kind.

He's taking toys away from him to give to DD. He's saying he doesn't like him to his face. DS might not be able to speak but he can understand others.

In any other situation this would be called bullying, and it has been by several here.

Yet I didn't say it was bullying, I just said it made me sad.

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?

Children of second families (your DS and DD) are seen as “lesser” and therefore how your DSS treats your DS is to be overlooked. You would not have received the same responses had your DSS actually been your own child. Posters would have been much more supportive.

He already was pushed out.

Look. Tell him he can't be mean. Tell him that he can just ignore him or go and play something else on his own. Make sure he always has his own space to go and do what he wants.

But he doesn't want to play with his half brother.
He may never want to.

He may never like him.

That's not DS issue. You have to work out how to navigate the needs of 3 individuals.

@AlittleSad5

Saying he doesn't like his brother isn't unkind. It's what he feels and is verbalising that to you when you push him to play with his brother, who he doesn't want to play with.

Did you miss the rest of my post or have you just taken a disliking to me and want to zone in on the parts you can reference to make me sound unreasonable?

It's not about him not wanting to play with him, he will never be forced to. All I want is for him to be tolerant and kind.

He's taking toys away from him to give to DD. He's saying he doesn't like him to his face. DS might not be able to speak but he can understand others.

In any other situation this would be called bullying, and it has been by several here.

Yet I didn't say it was bullying, I just said it made me sad.

I can tell you saying he doesn't like him won't be the worst words said between siblings growing up

Your DSS is 7, his life has been deregulated by you and your DS coming into the scene. It seems that no adult in this situation has taken the time to actually think 'why is DSS' doing this.

Maybe when you start thinking with your brain instead of just feeling so sad for your son there will be a breakthrough

@Digestive28

There are some lovely resources out there for siblings of children with autism, have a look at the national autistic website - it won’t solve it all but may be a way to start a conversation about how he feels

I think you missed this comment. I think it’s very relevant to your situation.

As for your dss, why don’t you talk to him about being kind when this happens? Your dh isn’t dealing with this effectively by the sound of it. “Oh dear. That’s not kind, I know you’re a kind boy”, could go a long way.

Children of second families (your DS and DD) are seen as “lesser” and therefore how your DSS treats your DS is to be overlooked. You would not have received the same responses had your DSS actually been your own child. Posters would have been much more supportive

As both a stepchild and step mum I wholeheartedly agree with this. Nearly always ‘second family’ children are scapegoated I’m the favour of the ‘first family’ firstborns.

Judge me and DH all you like, you're the only ones who are. DSS has never been pushed out. Of course he has. He was pushed out the instant you decided to have a baby five minutes after his family was turned upside down. He won’t have known his parents had a dead marriage. To him he will have had his mummy and daddy together, and then suddenly they weren’t and there’s a new baby brother, all before he had a chance to get used to the fact his mummy and daddy didn’t live together any more.

And it’s not about not waiting for years to get together, it’s about having a baby the instant you did get together. How soon was DSS introduced into this arrangement? Was it as soon as you got together? Or were you introduced with the added bombshell that there was also going to be another baby brother or sister?

"So DS should pay the price, and be on the receiving end of DSS being unkind for the fact me and DH didn't wait years to get together?

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?"

No it's not, OP. your ds doesn't deserve unkindness from anyone. But your dss is only 7, he has been through a lot. Way more than other children goes through. He may be sad, but what about what he must have felt? It must have been devastating for his little heart.
So, it may not be just 7 years old doesn't want to play with 3 years old. There could be more deeper emotional resentment than just age thing. Be kind. Try to see why he is the way he is towards your ds. Hopefully if he understand that he is loved by you and dh unconditionally may solve the issue soon.

@Bbang

Children of second families (your DS and DD) are seen as “lesser” and therefore how your DSS treats your DS is to be overlooked. You would not have received the same responses had your DSS actually been your own child. Posters would have been much more supportive

As both a stepchild and step mum I wholeheartedly agree with this. Nearly always ‘second family’ children are scapegoated I’m the favour of the ‘first family’ firstborns.

Absolutely not. It's always the fact that adults don't seem to realise they don't have the right to go off and recreate second families without standing up for the children they've created before.

People shouldn't be selfishly going off and blending families.

Children of second families (your DS and DD) are seen as “lesser” and therefore how your DSS treats your DS is to be overlooked. You would not have received the same responses had your DSS actually been your own child. Posters would have been much more supportive. it is different though. Because if the DH and his ex had had another baby together at the same time in the child’s life then that would have been the only difference. And the chances are he still might not have wanted to play with him. Sibling rivalry is real and people often don’t realise that until it happens.

But in this instance the baby is part of the split of this child’s family changing completely. Not only has his daddy moved out, but he’s now got a new step mum and oh look, she’s already having another baby. That’s an entirely different scenario to just a new sibling coming along.

Not he may be sad, you may be sad

@Vivi0

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?

Children of second families (your DS and DD) are seen as “lesser” and therefore how your DSS treats your DS is to be overlooked. You would not have received the same responses had your DSS actually been your own child. Posters would have been much more supportive.

Absolutely, and it's wrong.

He already was pushed out

No, he really wasn't. Relationships break down and It is what it is. DH has remained a consistent and committed father. DSS has received all the reassurance in the world that he is and always will be a priority, DH dotes on his son and so do I.

It's absolute bullshit that people are coming on here insinuating that it doesn't matter how he treats DS because it's our fault for bringing him into the world and making him DSS' problem.

I don't quite believe you're being serious, nobody I know IRL is half as callous and spiteful.

For the poster who asked.. there are no half siblings on DSS mum's side no, but she's in a serious relationship so who knows perhaps she will go on to have another baby herself.

If DSS was mean to that (hypothetical) baby then who's fault would that be? Hers, or ours again?

Apologies if my replies are a bit jumbled, I'm using my phone.

It's ok if DSS is unkind to DS, because that's our fault?

No, but it could be an explanation as to why.

Or, equally likely, he could just be being a normal brother and being a bit unkind to his sibling as brothers/sisters so often are. As I say, my two DSS' are always at it like this with one another, they often tell the other to go away, they hate them, don't want to play with them, are annoying them, whatever...

Your DH can pull him up on it and should tell him to be kind and try to explain why DS maybe doesn't understand some things but I think you need to get used to it to a certain degree. Siblings can be horrible to each other sometimes, step or not.

I have a 7 and a 3 year old.
DSS should learn that DS is his family, and at certain times he should play nicely with him. Other times he’ll need his own space.
My 7 year old sometimes finds my 3 year old painful, but is reminded that she is 3. It’s not acceptable to treat his sibling like this.

If DSS was mean to that (hypothetical) baby then who's fault would that be? Hers, or ours again?

No one is suggesting the mere fact you had a baby is an excuse to be unkind. It's the fact your DS came along immediately after his parents split, whilst he was probably still processing the whole thing. That may have had an affect on how he views your son. I'm sorry if you feel that is horrible but it's a valid suggestion.

It really doesn't make any difference if your dh made all the reassurance he could and said and did make dss a priority. The fact is the little boy was separated from his father, and he was living with his new sibling.
I don't understand why you can't see the broken heart and resentment your dss must have felt.

@AlittleSad5 your husband clearly isn't a committed father by the way you describe his parenting around this issue

Also your DSS wouldn't be acting this way if he felt included, safe and loved. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, clearly it's not having the desired effect

You're in for a rude awakening if you're moaning about a 7 year old telling his brother he doesn't like him. That's nothing.

@dwiz8 You have no idea what you're talking about and you're just a rude, goady twit.

You're making an assumption and you are wrong. DH, DSS mum, and I know DSS alot better than some random on the internet making a guess based on a thread made a couple of hours ago.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage or how old DSS was when I came onto the scene. That little boy has had a world of reassurance and knows he isn't last on the list. He was over the moon when DH told him he was going to be a big brother.

Its not siblings he doesn't like or want, it's DS personally.

He has had huge changes in his life and unfortunately the 3 year old is taking the brunt of his feelings. Maybe he simply really doesn’t like him or maybe he feels it’s safer to say he doesn’t like him where in reality he doesn’t like you, or his mother’s partner or the moving between 2 homes or a mixture of everything.
Would it be worth considering maybe something like play therapy for him?

OP I completely get where you are coming from and would feel similarly distressed by this.

I wonder if a book about having a sibling with autism or additional needs might help him to understand. I remember reading Red Sky in the Morning by Elizabeth Laird, as a child, which is about a child accepting and loving their younger sibling with additional needs. It might be that other books are available too.

I am a SALT and just wanted to say it is really encouraging that your DS is initiating with your DSS and trying to join in games and play with him. I know it must hurt to see that rejection but that motivation to communicate is there from your DS even if the words aren't yet- hopefully those will come in time.

Maybe you could do some really fun activities with your focus on your DS, that your DSS might want to join in too. For example, some of the activities from Gina Davies from Attention Autism like a lemonade volcano or similar. She has a Facebook page with videos of fun ideas. Your DSS could maybe help out by getting the equipment you need ready.

All the best to you OP.

[quote AlittleSad5]@dwiz8 You have no idea what you're talking about and you're just a rude, goady twit.

You're making an assumption and you are wrong. DH, DSS mum, and I know DSS alot better than some random on the internet making a guess based on a thread made a couple of hours ago.

This has absolutely nothing to do with my marriage or how old DSS was when I came onto the scene. That little boy has had a world of reassurance and knows he isn't last on the list. He was over the moon when DH told him he was going to be a big brother.

Its not siblings he doesn't like or want, it's DS personally.[/quote]
Clearly he doesn't feel like he has the reassurance he needs

Children act based on what they feel.

Why even post on AIBU if you only want people to agree with you?