To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

They don't have to do everything together, but this is a lack of empathy and kindness from a 7 year old, I would try and find an activity all of you can play together as a family to help show dss see how to play and have fun with his brother

Surely it's normal to think that a younger child (whatever the family dynamic) who wants to join in is a pain in the arse?
I thought my younger brother was an annoying twat for years, but would have been fine with a baby/toddler who couldn't 'spoil' my game.

Normal behaviour. Lots of siblings don't actively like each other.

Especially with such a large age gap.

I wouldnt force the interaction but I would have a word with him about appropriate manners.

Its enough to say "no thank you I dont want to play" he doesn't need to state outright he doesn't like him

You cant force him to like him but you dont have to, and shouldn't, tolerate any meanness on his part.
I would feel hurt/sad too.

I don't think there's any point in demonising as a 'bully' a young child who's unimpressed by his younger stepsibling with additional needs. Lots of children of that age would experience their younger NT siblings as a total pain, and there are lots of complicating factors here -- they're stepsiblings, your DS is autistic and non-verbal.

How long have they spent time living together, and how much time does DSS spend at your house? Is he happy there?

Agree 100% with FizzyGreenWater, 7 is plenty old enough to understand and I would have zero tolerance of this too. What horrible messages is it giving to your daughter, as well as your son, OP?

Your son is presumably the child of your husband so he should be right there defending him and explaining how everybody fits into the family. That's what mine would be doing. Your post makes me very sad for you, OP, what an awful situation; it can't continue.

@PlanetMJ

Well I think DSS at 7 is old enough to understand that this is horrible behaviour. My 5 year old understands about being kind and making sure nobody gets left out when playing. They also understand that little kids are little and sometimes annoying but we still have to be nice to them. If DS was continuously interuppting DSS's games that would be different and some frustration understandable, but not these mean comments. Kids get taught about bullying at school and this smacks of bullying to me.

I agree with this. Yes - 7 is young, but he needs to learn that they are all part of one family now, and he has to at least be kind to the younger one and play with him occasionally.

I'm not saying that he has to spend all of his time with him- of course m=not! But that if he plays with him he (younger) will learn and will soon become a better playmate.

He probably likes the baby better because she is less boisterous, and because he can control what she does and doesn't do with the toys,

But certainly, if he's playing an energetic boisterous game at home, then his little step-brother must be allowed to join in. reading/ computer games etc - different and more personal.

My children had similar age gaps with my none verbal ds at 3 and no way would they have treated him like that. I found them to be really caring for their little brother.

This isnt normal sibling behaviour because he's purposely being mean and old enough to know better trying to take things off of him to give to another child to make him feel left out as well as declaring the fact he doesnt like him.
You shouldnt ever put that sort of behaviour down to siblings just not liking each other. 🙈
Hes 3 for god sake!
My dss is very jealous of his younger brother in his own family household. He is horrible to him they have a similar age gap to ops kids and its been going on for years.
My partner has notified his mum after all the things he tells us he does to his younger sibling without his mum knowing, she lets my dss get away with it, hes only getting worse with age.
Teaching kids kindness to younger children is really important, it helps build their character. Unfortunately if you dont bother and let them mistreat younger siblings it only gets worse and doesnt make them very likeable children.
I would definitely encourage more play between your ds and his sister as other posters have suggested too op.
As well as sorting out dss spiteful behaviour.

But certainly, if he's playing an energetic boisterous game at home, then his little step-brother must be allowed to join in.

I disagree with this. Regardless of what the game is, if a child wants to play alone they should be allowed to.

However, he absolutely shouldn’t be allowed to exclude his brother whilst letting his sister join in. That is just mean. I would expect the father to step in and explain about kindness and not excluding people.

As pp said please be an advocate for your ds. He doesn’t need anyone putting him down and being mean to him least of all in his own home where he should feel secure and loved.
The way to do this is to educate and guide your stepson. Your dh needs to be on board.

7yo will often find a 3yo frustrating to play with. They're not big enough for the 7yo to play properly as they would with friends, but a 7yo often doesn't have the control to play at half speed as it were.
Whereas looking after an 18 month old can be "aw they're so sweet". And they automatically bring their behaviour down to deal with "the baby".
Actually I'd rather look after an 18 month old than a 3yo

I'd ask the 7 yo if there's a reason why he doesn't like playing with him. It could be, and this is something I've seen a number of times with siblings, that the adults expect the 7 yo (because they're so big in comparison) to play gently, let the little one win, and give way to the 3yo because "they're so little, you know." And then if the 3yo gets upset-even if it's their own fault, the 7yo gets the blame. "Oh you could have just let him play his way for a little while."

The person's suggestion of playing an especially fun game with the 3yo. Either the 7yo will want to join in, and they will know that them joining in with a 3yo and mummy game can't exclude the 3yo. Or they'll stay playing with the 18 month old, and then the 3yo gets some special 1-2-1 mummy time. Win all round.

@missyB1

As pp said please be an advocate for your ds. He doesn’t need anyone putting him down and being mean to him least of all in his own home where he should feel secure and loved. The way to do this is to educate and guide your stepson. Your dh needs to be on board.

Oh please, older siblings not wanting to play with younger ones is a tale as old as time.

Not wanting to play with an annoying 3 year old doesn't make the 7 year old mean, or a bully

Have you explained to DSS about Autism and how it affects DS. He doesn't always understand how to play or similar.

I have a 7 year old who has been told about her older brothers Autism and she seems to get it most of the time. It's really helped her understand some of his behaviour.

Lots of actual siblings don’t get on, both through childhood and adulthood.

Your DSS didn’t ask for a blended family and doesn’t have to like your child. Be polite yes but not forced into playing with them etc if they choose not too.

@aSofaNearYou

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend

Personally I would have taken the toy off DSS after saying that. He needs to understand that this is not an appropriate thing to say.

He’s only 7, in his life his mum and dad have separated, his dad has found a new partner and had two further children. It’s quite a lot to process.

Where are the adults in this? Are they helping to bridge the gap. Maybe ds felt dss was interrupting his game? Maybe he’s unsure of his place in the family, maybe he feels replaced by ds.

This is something you need to fo gently with. Don’t take his toys away. He will turn further away.
You and dh need to work on this relationship, can you/dh do some nice things together.
Can dh take ds under his wing and give him a role in supporting dss. Explain the situation, encourage him to take a big brother role, while making dss feel secure in his relationships with all of you.
The family dynamic will play a huge role in how this develops, but brandishing his a bully or punishing isn’t going to get the results you want.

He might not want to play with him and you cant force him as such but its rude to say i don't like him etc . And at 7 he is old enough to have that explained and your dh should be stepping in and having a chat maybe also explaining that your ds has some additional needs etc so he understands that he may not always engage the same as his little sister etc but that he really looks up to his big brother and he still should share regardless , so taking balloon off for example isn't sharing .

I dont rhink you should dismiss this as kids being kids. He needs to be pulled up on it. He obviously knows that your ds is different that's why he is doing this. And if poor ds is treated this way at home, what chance does he have outside of home. Nope. this needs to he dealt with now.

@FizzyGreenWater

It really isn't fair to expect a 3 and a 7 year old to play happily together if one of them does not want to.

DSS saying 'No thank you I don't want to play with the little ones, can I spend time with my Dad/watch my DVD/read my book please' = absolutely fine.

DSS saying 'I don't like YOU ds, you're not my friend' and taking the balloon off him to give to a 15 month old that he 'prefers' to play with = totally not ok bullying nonsense which needs to be cracked down on pronto.

This. Don’t expect a 7yo to like any younger children.

But I would definitely expect a 7yo to know better than to say something unpleasant. Suggest you and DH have a proper chat with him about differences, empathy and manners,

Ooh! Much of that hurts. Which kid get protected, which one has more rights than the other? Sickening!

DSS should be told, like every other older sibling (I am one) that younger sib needs to be accommodated sometimes and that it isn't nice to say what he said. What he did and did not ask for is no different to every other kid. He gets to learn a bit, grow up a bit as he experiences stuff that challenges his solipsism. At 7 he should get it...

DS needs additonal help. DSS is either part of your family or is always an invited guest - your DH, and his ex, need to work that one out and act accordingly!

There is only a 4 year age gap between your dss and your ds. For a child that age, a half sibling to adapt to is tough, and rejecting them is part and parcel of rejecting all the changes imposed on them.

The second child to come along is easier to accept, as by then the trauma has passed more.

YANBU. My 5 and 3 year old know already that saying things like 'I don't like him' and 'he's not my friend' are hurtful and unnecessary. In fact their kindergarten is very very clear that that sort of behaviour (taking toys away etc) is not allowed and we have carried it on at home. You can be annoyed with a younger sibling (goodness knows I did) but being mean and deliberately excluding them in favour of the other is wrong. A 7 year old is old enough to get that. He may have issues understanding his brothers condition, that should come with time, but he needs to at least be kind. You don't have to like family but you should be respectful and civil.

I say this as someone who has a 4 year younger sibling with special needs. I found my sister annoying at times but there is no way my mum would have allowed me to behave like dss. I think when the younger ones are in bed or out the way; you and dh and dss need to have a sit down chat about appropriate behaviour to other family members. You need to get on top of this otherwise this will get worse and worse nd both your sons will suffer for it.

I understand that you feel sad but remember your step son is only seven and seven year olds say what they think. He may well change his mind so I wouldn't worry.

I would be sad in your situation too, OP.

Your DSS needs to be kind to everyone in the family, but he also deserves some autonomy over his own feelings. You can’t (as you’ve acknowledged) make him like your DS.

But you could perhaps help him find ways he can connect? Do you ever take DD off and have DP play with his two sons together (I’m assuming DSS is half brother to DS)? Finding ways they can all have fun so that DS might learn to appreciate his brother more?

Perhaps have DSS take a leadership role with DS and teach him how to do something (stacking the dishwasher, say) - but make sure you’re nearby to oversee so you can catch any nastiness if it’s too much for your DS.

Hopefully over time, as he matures, he’ll come to appreciate his brother more. You can’t, however, rely on DSS becoming DS’s friend. That isn’t fair on him, however sad it is for DS.

DSS replies "but I don't want him to play. I don't like him and he's not my friend"

A NT 7 year old saying this to any 3 year old is not ok. I hope you told him that at the time.

Tbh (whilst I know this isn’t the “right” thing to do) I’d be inclined to tell the older child you play with both children or none. You don’t get to exclude one in favour of the other. Rinse and repeat. You want to play with your sister then you don’t exclude your brother. End of. No alternative.

Is your 3 year old his half brother?
And what and the 18 month old - half or step?
I’m wondering if there is an element of the 7yo liking the 18mo if they are a half sibling and the 3yo is not?

Anyway... his dad needs to step up and tell the 7yo to be kind. I don’t think it’s fair to force the older once to include the younger one all the time - but some of the time. The main issue for me is being kind - never rejecting his play advances in a nasty way. But he can’t be expected to play all the time with a child that he doesn’t enjoy playing with, much as that is harder for you - and extra upsetting because of your son’s autism. Remember if the 3yo isn’t his father’s soon too, it’s like a friend of yours turning up with a 3yo in tow and just expecting the 7yo to be their playmate. Not fair.