To feel very sad that DSS doesn't like DS and

[AlittleSad5]

DSS(7) has just announced that he doesn't like my DS (3 and has autism) and he isn't his friend. When DS tries to play with him he tells him to go away, and favours playing with DD (15 months) who he loves.. even though DS can do alot more and in theory would be a much more fun playmate.

I feel ridiculous for being so sad as kids will be kids, but it hurts.

I worry for DS's future as he's still non verbal with no indication that he's going to be able to speak anytime soon, he's avoidant around children in general but absolutely loves it when DSS comes round and always tries to engage with him only to be shooed away.

AIBU to feel so deflated over this?

You also need to think and it’s not nice but how even Full biological siblings feel/felt the burden of having a non NT sibling growing up. It would be wrong to say is doesn’t affect them or that it’s not as bad because they are NT.

You see posts everywhere all the time from now adults who grew up with a young/older Disabled siblings and the expectations from the adults and the way things had to be changed for the sibling did impact them and the guilt they also carry for feeling that way while also being angry at their parents for certain things they believe should of been different to make it easier for them too and to not always be about the child who had/has a disability.

It’s so easy to become all consumed by what the one child needs or what you want for them that the others don’t get so much thought. Just like you love seeing DS finally want to play and interact with someone that’s fabulous but DSS is not finding it nice at all. Both boys feelings matter here DSS is not DS crutch but DSS is not to say he hates him but shouldn’t be forced to play with him as your then telling him DS feelings/wants matter more than his.

How many time’s do we see threads where parents are outraged that a teacher dares make their child play with someone who their child considered a bug a pain or they just don’t like. The outcome is everyone telling the OP to tel the teacher/school that they cannot force their child to play with anyone as a long as their child is not being mean IE the hate comment their child doesn’t have to play with anybody they don’t want too.

It’s very enjoyable am for you because your seeing DS finally open up to someone and being rejected for that hurts like a bitch I’d say but these are two little boys and both their needs and feelings matter.

At 7 years old he knows what being unkind is, and that's exactly what he is being. The 7 year old may be struggling with issues, it doesn't mean it's ok to be cruel. You need to find out what those issues are to help enable the 7 year old to behave appropriately.

He may need more time just with his dad aside from the other siblings, and it needs to be a priority to find out what the 7 year old needs to feel better about the situation.

I'm sorry that this has gone so pear shaped for you OP.

I was just coming on to say that it may also be a timing thing. My DC were a nightmare at that age (same age gap). Years 3 and 4 can be tricky.

My DS had some tough times at school when he was about 8 and as a result decided that he hated his younger sister. Cue lots of arguing and fighting.

But somehow it changed as they got older. Both got more tolerant and they're definitely a team now,

Give it time. See some of the SN threads on here. So many people are protective of their Siblings with SN.

Thank you for the subsequent posts, I'm still here.

It may not have come across from my posts but DSS feeling secure has been our priority from the start and DH has done his absolute best to make sure that happened.

When DH informed DSS of my pregnancy he was genuinely excited. I am and always have been on good terms with his mum and DSS feeling pushed out was something I worried about and did ask her about. DSS mum reassured me, several times, that he was ok with the pregnancy and excited to be a brother because he always wanted siblings. If DSS was struggling or felt confused/hurt then his mother would have said something, she's not somebody to beat around the bush.

Throughout the pregnancy DH had plenty of 1 on 1 time with DS, away from me, reaffirming the fact that he was and always will be a priority. DSS was genuinely excited and enjoyed being involved in the pregnancy / preparing for babies arrival.

DH still has plenty of 1 on 1 time with DSS now and they regularly go on day trips and do fun things without us, so he doesn't miss out on being able to do things for kids his own age because of the younger ones.

None of us adults involved believe this is as deep as unresolved feelings of abandonment. DSS is a happy and well adjusted child. If he gave any indication that he was feeling that way then it would be handled appropriately, we're not blind nor stupid.

This is simply a case of DSS not liking DS unfortunately. As others have said sometimes siblings just don't gel and get along.. and that's fine.

I don't think for one second he dislikes him because he's autistic as DSS just isn't that type of child, but DS' autism obviously adds another layer of complexities in that he can't talk or engage with DSS in a way that is appealing to him.

When I posted I wasn't looking for people to tell me that DSS needs to be punished or forced to play with DS, I was just looking for my feelings to be validated - the fact that I felt sad about DSS' feelings toward my little boy.

To add and reiterate, all I ever expect from DSS is tolerance. Nothing more.

I will look at the SEN boards as we navigate things going forward. To be fair I should have known i would get some harsh comments on AIBU, this isn't a nice place for step parents or second families as I've seen over the years.

Get involved sith SEN groups. Find other families with ASD. Look for opportunities where DSs can relate. Also you can "use " DS to get special access to activities or beat the queues at legoland for example. Show him advantages.

You can't force kids to like each other, however much it might convenience the adults. I feel sorry for a seven-year-old who wasn't asking for a 'blended family.'

This is simply a case of DSS not liking DS unfortunately

This might be the case now.

It doesn't have to be the case forever.

I think honestly you're reading way too much into it. Gently correct the behaviour, and leave it at that. I despair of comments from PPs who talk about DSS being a bully or nasty.

He's just a child who's had a massive amount of change in his life (& I do eye roll a bit OP at your description of his excitement at your pregnancy, new sibling etc. He was four) and finds his little brother annoying. It's not that uncommon and is unlikely to be massively related to DS's additional needs.

I feel sorry for a seven-year-old who wasn't asking for a 'blended family.

But not a disabled (and equally blameless) little boy who didn't ask for a blended family either?

Also you can "use " DS to get special access to activities or beat the queues at legoland for example. Show him advantages.

That did make me smile, I think that would appeal to DSS

I do eye roll a bit OP at your description of his excitement at your pregnancy, new sibling etc. He was four)

Oh but he was, truly. He always wanted siblings. He did nothing but talk about "when my brother comes.."

I do agree his dislike of DS isn't because of his disability, it's just DS' special needs means he isn't able to be a particularly fun or exciting sibling therefore they have even less in common than they would otherwise iykwim.

But not a disabled (and equally blameless) little boy who didn't ask for a blended family either?

Why do you keep saying 'disabled'?

I've a family member (8 yo) with ASD, dyspraxia & SPD. I'm familiar with some of the issues you describe but we'd never describe him as disabled.

Sure, it's your choice, your son etc. But in our family we wouldn't even consider it. It's just who this little boy is, and he's certainly got challenges but also particular abilities. (I appreciate there can be great variance in severity of conditions, however)

And regarding your DS not asking for a blended family - well you & DH decided to have another baby moments into a relationship when his DS already existed.

I know that sounds judgy, it's not really. It's not something I would feel comfortable with but your choice etc. However, you keep ignoring how hard things must have been for DSS. Even with all the adults trying to do everything right - and I'm not saying you haven't - it's really tough on him.

@AlittleSad5

I'm not saying he wasn't - but what does a 4yo do when he hears about a new baby? He may have been excited but he was going through massive change.

His dad moves out, meets a new partner, and has a new sibling within a year.

He may have demonstrated excitement but he still experienced massive change, which is still ongoing as he's another sibling.

Regarding his feelings for DS, it's very unlikely to be much more than he's not interested in a 3yo. Most 7yos aren't!

However, you keep ignoring how hard things must have been for DSS

Not at all, I spent alot of time worrying about that and doing what we could to make things as smooth as possible for him.

All of these things people are saying on here now, we have already thought about and navigated. DSS is a well adjusted and secure child.

I mention disabled because that is what DS is. It's not something we shy away from. It's blatantly obvious to all who meet him because of how his autism presents.

DS and DSS are both innocent and blameless yet alot of people here only have sympathy for DSS, because DS and I are a second family so our feelings aren't as important.

Yes DSS matters but so does my DS.

If you can't imagine how your dss must have felt, imagine it was other way round.
Now 3 years old ds of yours ( not far from when dss was 4) suddenly had parents separated and his father have new family somewhere else with new children. They are with dad all the time. You only see him once a week or whatever. Do you think reassuring and having one to one when he visit daddy's new family is good enough for your ds? Don't you think it won't affect the little boy?
Of course he needs to be kind, but you are only focusing on your ds's feeling, not much about dss.

I'm not making this into a drama because it's not that deep, I only posted as I was feeling deflated and wanted some perspective as to whether I was being unreasonable to.

I think having a severely disabled child (and the *OPs son is disabled so why would she not say so?) is pretty tough on the whole family.

But this is the brother DSS has. I agree with a PP- just because dss isnt keen now, that doesnt mean it need always be like this. If OP and her dh help build bridges there is no reason that the brothers should not be close later on, the relationship needs some careful handling is all.

OP I would recommend that you post on the SN boards here. Feelings towards a sibling with additional needs can be complex, then dss has the whole step thing going too. He may need some help unpicking and expressing his feelings. I'm sure there must resources out there to help.

@Illuyanka

If you can't imagine how your dss must have felt, imagine it was other way round. Now 3 years old ds of yours ( not far from when dss was 4) suddenly had parents separated and his father have new family somewhere else with new children. They are with dad all the time. You only see him once a week or whatever. Do you think reassuring and having one to one when he visit daddy's new family is good enough for your ds? Don't you think it won't affect the little boy? Of course he needs to be kind, but you are only focusing on your ds's feeling, not much about dss.

As I said in my previous post I have spent alot of time thinking about how DSS felt about a second family which is why we've all (DH, DSS mum and myself) pooled together to make sure DSS was supported and felt secure from the start.

It's also worth noting that he had no problem with him when he was a baby, he enjoyed him then.

That's the thing, you know. You all work together to make sure everything is ok for him. But you really can't understand how a child feel/felt for 100%. No one can.

OP, you seem to have had some harsh replies here. Of course you have every right to feel upset about DSS not liking DS. However, it is normal in families. In fact, I’m watching the same thing happen in my extended family.

Things to remember:

• at 7 DSS is still very young. Positive reinforcement will work really well. Praise him for kindness at every opportunity. It is hard sometimes for parents to see an oldest child as really young because they are comparing to a toddler. But from an outside perspective 7 is really still young and learning about the world.
• you can not force them to be friends. It’s obviously great if they are, but if you try to force it you could ruin any chance of them becoming friendly in later years.
• as hard as it is, pay close attention to the words you use. Saying stuff like “he just really loves you” could easily make DSS resentful. Whereas “it’s unacceptable to leave people out” switches the focus from DS’s feelings to DSS’s behaviour and is far more reasonable. Maybe even practice a few sentences so you’re prepared when you have DSS.
• pick your battles. If DSS wants to play alone that is fair enough (lots of introverted people really struggle with the general expectation that they should be happy to have companionship). However, it isn’t acceptable to leave one child out (unless that child is actually ruining the game).

You sound really committed to making your family work for everyone, so I’m sure you can find a way through this.

I have spent alot of time thinking about how DSS felt about a second family

Well you obviously didn't spend that long thinking about it seen as you had DS within a year.

Siblings are shits to each other sometimes, it's normal. Pull him up on it at the time but get used to it. He'll probably start to find your DD annoying too as she gets out of the baby stage.

7 year olds can be pretty blunt and they’re only little so they use the language that they have.

I would be very wary of attributing too much to what a 7 year old says.

Instead of dwelling on it, just work on the sibling relationship as you would anyway. Treat everyone fairly, listen to every side of the story and do not be seen to take sides, even if you want to.

A 7 year old is entitled to not like a sibling, they just don’t have the language or social skills to do what is socially acceptable. It doesn’t make them mean, it makes them 7. Use it as an opportunity to teach and nurture.

A three year old dodoesn't know how to process their feelings like i said you were a stranger to him, new step mother, new house, parents apart and a sibling, theres clearly issues.

I would also add, allow him to express his opinion. My DCs say some mean things about the other - as that’s how they feel! Sometimes it’s just in that very moment. Then later they say the opposite. It’s just about them expressing themselves and trying to get a reaction too.

@AlittleSad5

Thank you for the subsequent posts, I'm still here.

It may not have come across from my posts but DSS feeling secure has been our priority from the start and DH has done his absolute best to make sure that happened.

When DH informed DSS of my pregnancy he was genuinely excited. I am and always have been on good terms with his mum and DSS feeling pushed out was something I worried about and did ask her about. DSS mum reassured me, several times, that he was ok with the pregnancy and excited to be a brother because he always wanted siblings. If DSS was struggling or felt confused/hurt then his mother would have said something, she's not somebody to beat around the bush.

Throughout the pregnancy DH had plenty of 1 on 1 time with DS, away from me, reaffirming the fact that he was and always will be a priority. DSS was genuinely excited and enjoyed being involved in the pregnancy / preparing for babies arrival.

DH still has plenty of 1 on 1 time with DSS now and they regularly go on day trips and do fun things without us, so he doesn't miss out on being able to do things for kids his own age because of the younger ones.

None of us adults involved believe this is as deep as unresolved feelings of abandonment. DSS is a happy and well adjusted child. If he gave any indication that he was feeling that way then it would be handled appropriately, we're not blind nor stupid.

This is simply a case of DSS not liking DS unfortunately. As others have said sometimes siblings just don't gel and get along.. and that's fine.

I don't think for one second he dislikes him because he's autistic as DSS just isn't that type of child, but DS' autism obviously adds another layer of complexities in that he can't talk or engage with DSS in a way that is appealing to him.

When I posted I wasn't looking for people to tell me that DSS needs to be punished or forced to play with DS, I was just looking for my feelings to be validated - the fact that I felt sad about DSS' feelings toward my little boy.

Why post on AIBU to be affirmed? Such an odd thing to do.

If you don't want advice or comments don't ask if you're being unreasonable, then go off on one when people are saying you are.

If it's fine your DSS just doesn't like DS why post at all.